pregnancy

Blistering Barnacles

April 16, 2009

I’m having a meltdown. In every sense of the word. I think I know what’s accounting for the decline in birth rate here in Singapore. IT’S TOO BLOODY HOT TO BE PREGNANT. I’m telling you, the heat is insufferable, and it’s not like pregos have it easy as it is.

I can understand if the likes of Halle Berry rave about how wonderful pregnancy is. You’re living in LA, where the weather is a cool 16 degrees, and you actually have servants massaging your calfs and feeding you organic grapes while you lie on your deck chair overlooking Malibu Beach, complaining about not having enough screen time in X-men. If I were you, I’d have a dozen kids, just to make sure I trump AJ-Pitt.

But for mortals like me, every time I step out of the house, the sweltering heat makes me want to strip down and go skinny dipping. But then I’d probably be caught for indecent exposure and hauled off to prison. Remind me to install a private pool in my backyard before having another child. At least I’d be able to stay in the water all day.

I’m not surprised that pregnant women are so snappish all the time. They’re carrying a furnace around in their stomach, and combined with the heat wave, it’s like being in a giant microwave oven.

And there’s something about heat that makes people go crazy. When it’s nice and cool, things don’t seem so bad, but once you turn up the heat, brain cells are massacred by the millions and you start to have a meltdown over the most minute inconveniences. So the stereotype is true. Pregnant women are emotional and snappy. And it’s an entitlement, not a privilege.

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kids inc

Unlimited Power

April 15, 2009

Question: Why do guys always resort to brute force to solve a problem?

I have a theory. It’s all thanks to He-man and Conan the Barbarian. Notice that all the male-oriented cartoons all feature muscular alpha-males that have bulging biceps and tiny underpants.

Conan

In recent years, the metrosexual male has taken over, but despite their floppy hair and chiseled, feminine features, they still can’t escape their roots, which is to grunt and shout (i.e. the louder, the more powerful) while displaying their special powers.

Ben 10Pokemon

In the world of men, there’s always a BAD GUY to destroy and life would not be complete if we all lived in peace and harmony.

So it’s inevitable. Boys grow up with the misconception that brute strength is synonymous with masculinity. Tru is already showing signs of it at 10 months. His favorite past-time is banging stuff in the house. Like when I put him in his cot, he’ll have to bang the wardrobe and SHOUT AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS for a good half hour before he’ll settle down to sleep. It’s a manly pre-sleeping ritual he’s acquired.

Or he will grab a toy in each hand and smash them together repeatedly (with an evil grin) to get that loud smashing sound. He’s drawn to the sound of destruction. I think it’s a very primal instinct. I should stop buying toys and just give him two bottles to pound.

I’m thankful girls don’t have that problem. We are peaceable creatures and we like to avoid strife where possible. We’d be happy to hold hands and dance around the campfire before braiding each other’s hair and giggling ourselves silly. There are no evil forces in Strawberry Shortcake and life is beautiful all the time. It’s practically utopia all year long and we can prance around smelling roses and eating strawberries.

I’m hoping Kirsten will bring order to the house after she’s born. There’s too much testosterone in the air as it is.

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kids inc

Labor Day

April 14, 2009

Was out with a couple of couply-parent friends over the long easter weekend and it has made me realize how life has changed with kids in the picture. I was hoping to challenge the cliche that life as we know it is over when kids arrive, and once in a while, it seems like there’s a glimmer of hope, but then it vanishes faster than a mirage in the Nevada desert.

It was the first time we’ve had an outing in months, and the original plan was to chill out at a decent cafe for a shot of coffee and some tiramisu like we used to back in the day. But now, instead of six young, hot singles, we were a party of six not-so-young, somewhat-frazzled parents with four (and a half) kids, three strollers, 2 diaper bags and a baby seat.

After standing in queue for 15 minutes, we thought we could squeeze into a 6-seater table tucked away at the back, but upon closer inspection, we decided there was no way we could have lasted five minutes in that cramped little space without being thrown out on our asses. So we decided to relocate (I’m sure I heard a sigh of relief from the nice lady at the cafe) to surprise, surprise, the Golden Arches.

Mackers was right down our alley, and we settled down comfortably, this time at a table actually meant for 10. The kids were certainly thrilled at the prospect of having french fries and chicken nuggets instead, and the distant call of Tiramisu was swiftly drowned out by the sound of screaming kids.
Straw-eating competition

Life is certainly different these days. But it’s not all bad. We used to pay $50 for an outing at a cafe, but at McDonalds, we even got paid for eating our fries and nuggets.

The kids got right to work cleaning the walls while we ate. I mean, they’ve got to learn to work for their supper in dire times like these. Besides, Chinese children are known for child labor. It’s our heritage, you see. We’ll send them to Nike by the time they turn 3.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98B-T955iE8

Ok, pardon the appalling quality of the vid, but to make up for it a little, there’s a running commentary from Superdad.

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