The biggest relationship secret ever, unveiled.

For those that are popping by this blog over the weekend and expecting just the random musings of a dad of two with absolutely no take away – eat your heart out, because what I’m going to share with you is something that is going to change your life irrevocably and immeasurably for the better.

I’m not talking about good advice here. I’m talking about a movement. A campaign. A paradigm shift that is going to shatter your predispositions toward  logic, justice and women.

This is post is really meant for men. If you are a woman reading this post, and are in any sort of a relationship – you need to share this with your partner. Email them this post. Put it up on your Facebook. Retweet it. Shout it out on the streets. We’re talking about millions of lives here.

I am putting forth a hypothesis, no, a definitive truth,  that will shorten the duration of quarrels, prematurely terminate conflicts, and ultimately effect an increase in the life expectancy of men to finally match that of women.

Here’s how it goes.

Men should sincerely apologise to the woman with the greatest remorse possible in every single conflict.The apology must be made regardless of the reason nor the circumstances leading to the conflict.The apology must be heartfelt, sincere, non-patronising and suffer the dual tests of continual agitation & abuse .

In other words, the man must just say sorry.

Just say sorry.

Repeat after me.

Just say sorry.

Before you start hurling inflammatory comments at me (watch it fellas, this is a mommy blog after all) – i have already prepared an FAQ to address those concerns you may have. Now put the gun down, young man.

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1. What should I “just say sorry” if it wasn’t my fault in the first place??

A: Whether it was your fault or not is really subjective.  There was no overarching, neutral and benevolent authority that chronicled the details of what happened that led to the conflict and then decided that it was my fault.

The famous Johari Window talks about a potential blind spot every person may have, whereby your faults are known to others but not known to self.

It is probably your fault.

2. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Everyone was appalled at what you did. There’s no way on planet earth I can apologise for that!

A:  Remember the time when I asked why you loved me, and you sang that incredibly cheesy song about letting the reason for love be love and it wasn’t even quite right because if I asked why you liked bacon potato chips would you have said “i love sour-cream and onion Pringles, just because.”?

3. Uh, I’m kinda confused. Look, I do love you, but that DOESN’T MAKE WHAT YOU DID RIGHT!

A: People value many things in this world. Amnesty International is commendable in that it values justice and honours symbols of freedom in oppressed countries, like Aung Sang Suu Kyi.

Modern society came to a point where it eschewed dogma and started to value logic and rational thinking. As a result, civilisation advanced in many forms, be it arts, culture but in particular, science and technology.

4. What has that got to do with ANYTHING?

A: I need you to value me above justice. I need you to adore me above freedom. I need you to cherish me more than logic and rational thinking.  I need you to love me because of me.

5. That doesn’t make sense.

A: I need you to love me more than your love for sensibility.

6. Look, YOU are the one that made the mistake. YOU should be the one to “just say sorry”. Why should it be me?

A: We bleed every month and get utterly terrible cramps through no fault of my own.  We are expected to stay in shape but if you eat and get fat, you are just being a “regular dude”. We need to strip and squat down to pee while you just “whip it out”. We  cover the choicest parts of our body to prevent you and your menfolk from grabbing at them. We have to spend hours powdering and grooming our faces to prevent our “out-of-bed” look from dispersing crowds as though there was a zombie invasion when we go onto the streets. We squeeze out an entire human being from within ourselves through an opening no bigger than the size of a ten-cent coin.

Moreover, women have been marginalized through the ages – the pain of  thousands of  years of suffering weigh heavily on my soul, as though they were my own.

7. Wow. Alright, I get the point. It’s my fault, and I want to “just say sorry”. What exactly do I apologise for?

A: If you raised your voice at me, you need to apologise for that. If you didn’t but you ignored me or were cold to me for any duration longer than 30 seconds, you need to apologise for that.

If you didn’t raise your voice at me, nor did you ignore me – you need to apologise for not saying sorry earlier.

8. This is one of the craziest things I have ever heard. Are you sure it’s going to work at all?

A: I may take advantage of your expected subservience in the face of total indignation but that is merely temporal. Chances are –  but I’m not promising anything here – that a couple of years down the road when I have cooled down sufficiently, I may accept some responsibility for what happened. Or I may not. It really depends.

9. That’s amazing!  Sign me up for the “Just Say Sorry” Campaign!

A: Sign yourself up. And get your dude friends to sign up as well. Visit www.justsaysorry.org to make a pledge.

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Oh by the way, this is a chain letter type of post. If you have read this post, you need to send it to at least five other people, or they may get “accidentally” run over by the love of their (albeit short) life  in that harmless looking pink Vespa.

Remember, Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned.

Just say sorry!