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superdad

kids inc

Labor Day

April 14, 2009

Was out with a couple of couply-parent friends over the long easter weekend and it has made me realize how life has changed with kids in the picture. I was hoping to challenge the cliche that life as we know it is over when kids arrive, and once in a while, it seems like there’s a glimmer of hope, but then it vanishes faster than a mirage in the Nevada desert.

It was the first time we’ve had an outing in months, and the original plan was to chill out at a decent cafe for a shot of coffee and some tiramisu like we used to back in the day. But now, instead of six young, hot singles, we were a party of six not-so-young, somewhat-frazzled parents with four (and a half) kids, three strollers, 2 diaper bags and a baby seat.

After standing in queue for 15 minutes, we thought we could squeeze into a 6-seater table tucked away at the back, but upon closer inspection, we decided there was no way we could have lasted five minutes in that cramped little space without being thrown out on our asses. So we decided to relocate (I’m sure I heard a sigh of relief from the nice lady at the cafe) to surprise, surprise, the Golden Arches.

Mackers was right down our alley, and we settled down comfortably, this time at a table actually meant for 10. The kids were certainly thrilled at the prospect of having french fries and chicken nuggets instead, and the distant call of Tiramisu was swiftly drowned out by the sound of screaming kids.
Straw-eating competition

Life is certainly different these days. But it’s not all bad. We used to pay $50 for an outing at a cafe, but at McDonalds, we even got paid for eating our fries and nuggets.

The kids got right to work cleaning the walls while we ate. I mean, they’ve got to learn to work for their supper in dire times like these. Besides, Chinese children are known for child labor. It’s our heritage, you see. We’ll send them to Nike by the time they turn 3.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98B-T955iE8

Ok, pardon the appalling quality of the vid, but to make up for it a little, there’s a running commentary from Superdad.

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Father Inc

Superdad Returns

April 8, 2009

Let’s talk about dads. In particular, SUPERDADS. It’s tough for dudes to navigate their way around this whole having babies thing. For women, the maternal instinct comes rather naturally. After all, we are the ones that carry the child for nine months and have to push them out of you-know-where. So it’s only fair that we pride ourselves in being the ultimate authority on what they need.

But as far as dads go, all they do is contribute some fine specimens of their little fellas, which let’s face it, hardly constitutes as a chore. Besides, guys are just not wired to go all goo-goo ga-ga on babies. Most guys carry babies like they’re lifting a sack of rice for all of two minutes, then promptly hand them back, citing reasons like “I don’t know how”, or “See, the baby is not comfortable”.

So after the little squirts are born, what’s a dude to do?

In the world of fathers, there are three main archetypes.

1. The sperm donors. These days, you can get them off Ebay for $29.95. All they do is contribute the DNA (hey, DNA is very important, too) and take credit for anything good the child does. Once in a while, they provide very insightful comments like “Honey, the baby is crying” before resuming their oh-so-important quest of fighting the baddies on Resident Evil 5.

2. The functional father. From my observation, most dads fall neatly into this category. To avoid being nagged at by the wife, they do their share of baby chores like making the milk and running the bath. But they’re smart enough to make a hasty exit once there’s poop or puke involved.

3. The Superdads. They form a league of superheroes that can singlehandedly take care of all of the babies’ needs. For all intents and purposes, they’re practically women. They can tell the difference between a fontanel and a fingernail, whip up a pot of baby food, and change a diaper with their eyes closed. And in order to attain the status of a true Superdad, they have to pass through the initiation rite of being pooped on at least once.

I dare say, I’ve had the good fortune of snagging for myself one of those Superdads, which is the sole reason I haven’t completely lost my marbles. Of course, it wasn’t always the case. They did get off to a somewhat rocky start, which led to a rather embarrassing 3-hour screaming fit during a wedding dinner. But they’ve come a long way, and truth be told, I sometimes have to bribe Tru with snacks to make him like me more.

I’m not complaining, though. We’ve got a spiffy little system down pat. Mommy does the weekdays from 9-6, and Superdad takes over in the mornings, evenings and weekends. And that’s just fine by me. Plus, now I’ve got the handy little excuse that I’m preggers and can’t overexert myself. It’s good to be pregnant.

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