roulette

I forgot how fun it is to take care of a newborn. I’ve gotten so used to Tru that I’ve taken it for granted that he sleeps peacefully through the night in his own room, feeds without fussing and does all kinds of cute stuff to cheer me up.

Is it bad that every moment of every day, I wish Kirsten will grow up sooner? It’s just been a week into her birth and I’m exhibiting all the signs of a sleep-deprived wreck.

My days and nights have been broken into 2.5 hour cycles of struggling to breastfeed (45 mins), bottle-feeding (30 mins), expressing milk (30 mins) and 45 mins to do whatever else need to be done at home. And there’s the insomnia. I’d try to lie down to catch forty winks intermittently through the day, but it usually takes me a good 30 mins to fall asleep. Then before I know it, Kirsten is screaming again.

When I’m awake, I hardly have the time or energy to spend quality moments with Tru and I feel awful about that too. He’s been a real trooper, entertaining himself and being real cooperative. Sometimes he would take a toy to me, indicating that he wants to play while I’m feeding Kirsten, and I’d be all frazzled like “Later, Tru, Mommy’s busy right now”. And right after, I would feel so bad that I’ll spend the next 15 mins bawling my eyes out. Even though he’s right there, I really miss my boy. I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m neglecting him.

Just last night, I slept a total of 90 mins because Kirsten was having a blast pooping on me and fussing and refusing to latch on again. Every feed its like a game of roulette, I have no idea if she’s going to latch on or suckle for 30 seconds before screaming or just start wailing the moment she touches my breast.

Now that the milk is in, I have no idea what else to do to make her feed direct from the breast. I’ll probably give myself till next Mon to keep trying. Its just too insane having to take so any extra steps expressing and formula-feeding and having to force her to latch on.

The depression is also causing me to lose all appetite, which is probably a good thing in the weigh-loss department. But I’ve gotta eat if I want to breastfeed, so I’m forcing down food even though I feel like throwing up half the time.

I need to sleep, but the end is nowhere in sight. I’m starting to hallucinate and become incoherent. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy to have 2 kids back to back. It seemed like such a good idea back then, and I was so sure I’d be able to handle it. But I’m up to my eyeballs as it is, and sooner or later, something’s gotta give. I just hope its not my sanity.