retarded – Mother, Inc

This is what it feels like to be electrocuted

October 9, 2009

I’ve never taken an IQ test in my life. Ever. The reasons are twofold. *Everyone* knows that IQ tests are not the most reliable gauge of one’s intelligence. And by everyone, I mean the stupid people. If I had an IQ score of 175, I’d be saying that IQ tests are THE ABSOLUTE MOST RELIABLE source on the face of this planet. And the second reason is because I’m secretly afraid that I’ll end up with a score of 40, which places me in the top 1% of the most retarded people in the world.

That’s why I don’t do it. And technically, I *could* have an IQ of 175 and be an extraordinary genius. The odds of that are not high, but I’m an optimist like that.

Yesterday, I think my worst fears have come true. I’m actually retarded in the most severe way. I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to roam the streets. The neighbors have been renovating and my house has been covered with a thick layer of dust, so in a bid to win the most awesome mom award, I decided to vacuum the floor so Tru won’t eat more dirt than usual. And thanks to a series of retarded actions, I ended up getting electrocuted. You heard me. E-L-E-C-T-R-O-C-U-T-E-D. Like fried by electricity.

1. Don’t ask me how it happened, but the plug of my vacuum cleaner has taken such a beating that it looks like this.

I risked getting electrocuted AGAIN just to take a photo for you. Because I'm a blogger who cares. That's why

2. My mom always told me, “turn off the switch before plugging in any electrical appliance”, but did I listen? No. Obviously.

3. The plug was hanging loose, so I thought, “Ok, just use both my BARE HANDS and push it back in”.

4. As I touched the bare wiring of the plug with my bare hands, I got shocked with like 100 volts of electricity, and the impact of it threw me back several steps and next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

5. I should be dead right about now but I’m not. Obviously. Although my hands are twitching involuntarily and they have lost all feeling.

Yeah, I’m pretty much screwed. And definitely retarded.

After I got electrocuted, all I could think of was oh God, please don’t let me die because I’m too young to die and the husband is going to come home to find a dead wife and 2 screaming kids, one of which witnessed his mother being fried. And what about my hair? People are going to come to the wake and laugh hysterically because I look like Einstein, except blacker.

Seriously, THANK YOU, GOD. And all of you, listen to your mother and don’t touch an open plug with your bare hands because you might not survive to tell the tale.

by Daphne

kids inc

Kiddy rides

July 2, 2009

Bob the Builder ride? No, you can't!

You know what’s the biggest rip off for parents these days? It’s those darn kiddy rides you find in shopping malls. I’ve got to hand it to the folks who came up with the idea, because it is the single most ingenious idea in human history (to slowly siphon off your retirement funds). It’s like a drug that hypnotizes all kids and turns them into raging kiddy-ride maniacs who MUST ABSOLUTELY sit on a useless machine that goes nowhere for 60 seconds.

As far as I’m concerned, the whole idea is retarded. First of all, the rides look mutated and ugly as hell. Just last week, I was at the mall and there’s this ride that’s supposed to resemble Barney the Purple Dinosaur, but it looked more like a T-rex that got caught in a nuclear explosion. The trademark cheery grin was replaced by a grimace that pretty much says “It’s dinner time”.

I mean, if I was creating a useless ride, I’d put a little bit more effort into replicating actual characters. But then that’s the ingenuity. The draw is not in the characters, but the ride, so who cares about resemblance?

And technically, it can’t be called a ride, since it doesn’t go anywhere. It’s more like a stationary piece of plastic that plays gaudy music and moves on the spot for a minute or so. To top it all off, every ride can cost anything from $2 to $5 (for the really big ones). Now, I’m all for splurging on the kids, but I can’t help feeling like I’m suckered every time I have to shell out 20 bucks for a 15 minutes on the kiddy rides. I’d much rather bring him to the theme park or the zoo instead.

I thought I’ve been doing a decent job at keeping Tru away from the kiddy rides, but as every parent will eventually realize, there’s no avoiding them. Every mall I go to, there’s always one at waiting to ambush me. So the other day, we thought since Tru hadn’t been exposed to the wonders of a kiddy ride before, there’s no harm letting him have his first ride. BIG. MISTAKE.

2 rides in, he refused to get off the accursed machine. He was grabbing on to the steering wheel and we had to pry his tiny fingers off the thing and he started throwing a hissy fit. To his credit, the tantrum stopped after 20 seconds, but it was a sneak preview of what is to come.

I’m going to draw up a map of all the shopping malls in Singapore with the kiddy rides all marked with an X, so I know what to avoid the next time I go shopping. That would make my life so much easier.

by Daphne