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matt damon

kids inc

Flatout the best bear ever

Buying soft toys for Tru is like trying to strike the lottery, which is why I don’t do it. He’s extremely picky when it comes to soft toys and there is a club started for all the stuffed animals he has since banished to the far corner of his cot. Whenever he gets a new toy, he examines it thoroughly for a few minutes and gives it a look of disdain before tossing it away like its infested with lice.

To date, no soft toy has managed to make it into his good books, and he insists on carrying this huge blankie everywhere he goes (which I wanted to cut up into little pieces, but decided against in case he hates it and I’d have to sew it back together like some mutilated patchwork quilt). To save myself the hassle of lugging it around, I’ve tried to replacing it with many alternatives, only to have them all meet with the same fate.

As an early birthday present, my sis got him the coolest bear ever, a Flatout Bear, which is get this, made from 100% sheep skin. The husband was all up in arms against the idea. “Some poor sheep got killed to make a bear?” I do see the irony, but SHEEP DON’T HAVE TO DIE FOR THEIR FUR. Or skin. Or wool. Or whatever else you call it. They have to suffer the humiliation of prancing around au naturel for a while, but it sure ain’t dying.

So this bear which was originally a sheep, is the latest accessory carried by all the celebrity tots. There’s Matt Damon, Hugh Jackman (Wolverine has got a soft side after all), Jennifer Garner and Nicole Ritchie’s kids all seen with the FOB.

And aunts are supposed to splurge on ridiculously frivolous presents anyway, so Tru received his FOB yesterday. (My God, it’s SOFT!) I’m not kidding, it’s the softest bear I’ve ever touched and without the artificial synthetic feel. I thought of stealing it from him and rubbing it against my face (which i totally did when no one was looking).

It seems to have made it to top of his stuffed toys list, and he’s been carrying it around ever since. It still hasn’t usurped the Blankie’s stranglehold throne, but it’s getting close. By the time his birthday comes around, it should become top dog / bear.

Unless of course, I decide to keep it for myself instead.

p.s. To the makers of FOB: I should be paid for this, so if you’re reading this and decide to reward my efforts, I’d like one in each of the colors. Or a life-sized one would be nice.

Funny or So I think, lists you should paste on your fridge, unqualified parenting tips

Taken – The Ultimate Parenting Guide

Had a hot date with the husband to watch Taken a few days back and I must say, it was surprisingly good. Taken is your typical, no nonsense, action movie where Liam Neeson went around beating the living daylights out of everything that moves. The intro was a little slow, but once the fun started, the action sequences were tight and somewhat realistic, so all in all, it was thoroughly enjoyable. (I have a weakness for these swashbuckling, one-man-show CIA super agents)

Thanks to Luc Besson, Neeson’s character is like James Bond, Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer all rolled into one incredible fighting machine. I particularly loved the sequence where he stabbed 2 metal sticks into the Albanian mafia dude’s thigh (who abducted his daughter) and proceeded to electrocute him senseless.

But underneath the carnage and destruction, the movie actually has many important messages that parents should drill into their kids. It’s like the ultimate parenting guide (or propaganda). When Kirsten turns 16, I’m gonna make her watch this with my own running commentary in the background.

Lesson 1: Going on a road trip across Europe with friends will result in abduction.

I’m pretty sure at some point she’s going to want to travel with her friends to whatever is the next big travel destination in 2018. I’m going to instill a rule where there will be no traveling alone until she turns 24 or gets married (which should not happen before she’s 24 anyway).

It’s a catch 22. If she goes with a bunch of girlfriends, there’s no way any of them will be able to put up a fight in the face of imminent abduction. (Don’t believe the Alias female Kungfu fighter nonsense) A bunch of adolescent girls on a holiday is like spreading honey on your chest. You can’t be surprised if a swarm of killer bees sting the crap out of you.

But if she goes on a trip with some adolescent male friends (we all know what teenage guys have on their minds 24/7), I can bet my life that there will be some hanky panky going on when she’s halfway around the world. Not an appealing prospect as far as I’m concerned.

Lesson 2: Don’t talk to strangers, especially if they are handsome and French.

Handsome guys are usually up to no good, so avoid them like the plague. If you must talk to boys, choose those ugly-ass ones with pock-marks, buck-teeth and giant, geeky specs. Better still if they are with their mothers and speak only Mandarin.

Lesson 3: Don’t make the sexytime unless you want to get sold off to prostitution and die.

I couldn’t help but notice that the two girls ended up with very different fates. Amanda, the promiscuous one, ended up DEAD after OD-ing on drugs. Kim, on the other hand, who showed some restraint in having her cherry popped too early, was rescued by her super spy of a father who went on a rampage across the whole of France.

amanda-kim2

Kim was saved thanks to the fact that she was certified 100% pure (exact words from the movie), so if you’re reading this eventually, Kirsten, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE THE SEXYTIME until you get married. Your father will hunt down the unfortunate chap who is responsible for the deed and after he’s done, the poor fella will wish he was the Albanian dude who got electrocuted.