life – Mother, Inc

love bites

What men really want

May 28, 2009

The husband sent me this pic with a giant header that says “This has to appear in your blog”, so I’ve decided to be all nice and obliging since Superdad has been saving my ass the whole of this week. And who doesn’t just LOVE a life-sized remote control with all the buttons for dudes to control women.

I’m all done with my bra-burning days, so hello, Stepford Mom.

I love that all the needs of a man can be filtered down to 3 simple words – sex, food and beer (in that order). All the others are inconsequential.

Take work for example. The whole point of working is to earn a bunch of dough so that they can buy food and beer and a fancypants sports car, which will lead to some smoking hot sex in the sports car. Or outside the sports car so the fancy upholstery wouldn’t be all ruined which would mean the end of all future prospective hot sex, cos the only sex they’ll be getting with a crummy, beat-up junk is from a toothless transvestite who just had a hair transplant.

And married men (especially fathers) need the remote more than their bachelor friends, since their only hope of having any food or hot sex (forget the beer) is if they cleaned up the house, fed the kids, bought some diamonds, gave me a bubble bath and a nice massage, by which time I’d be sleeping like a baby, except on good days where I’m not pregnant, or having PMS or feeling too fat.

I say it’s tough to be a dude. Problem is, most guys who don’t get the sex end up eating more food and guzzling down more beer to try to fill that giant void in their lives. But then they (i’m still referring to men here) end up looking like they’re 7 months pregnant and that also eliminates all hope they have for getting any sex in the foreseeable future. Vicious cycle.

Men are, in fact, the weaker sex. Hey, read the news.

So take it from a chick. It’s far easier to do the housework and run the bubble bath. At least there’s a chance (however slim) it might just be your lucky day.

by Daphne

motherhood

Motherhood 101

February 12, 2009

Lesson 1: Motherhood is a life-changing experience.

From the outside looking in, it didn’t seem so bad. I had diligently pored over the What to Expect series and offered my services as the occasional nanny to overly enthusiastic friends who were more than happy to pass on their little bundles of joy.

Even pregnancy had its perks. I wore the nausea like a badge of honor, and my large-ass stomach was a “get-anything-you-want-card”. No more standing in line or waiting for seats. Sometime in the fourth month, I realized that people are especially nice to pregnant women, and I milked it for all it’s worth. I even mastered a pose which worked like a charm.

Stand with a slight tilt backwards and hold your lower back with one hand. With the other hand, stroke your belly with a circular motion. Complete the look with a “God, my varicose veins are about to explode” expression and voila! Works every single time.

And I was feeling pretty good about my wealth of experience in the kid-raising department. Or so I thought.

I think it really hit me the first night Tru came home. I still felt like a pro in the hospital. For starters, he was sleeping most of the time. In fact, it was harder to wake him up than to get him to sleep. Hah, I should have seen through his sneaky little ways. When he actually did cry, I had a handy little device which summoned help in an instant.

“Nu-urse, I think the baby is hungry/tired/poopy…”

The first night back home, all I wanted to do was to stuff him back right where he came from. I wanted back my summoning powers. Nothing seemed to work, and after 3 solid hours of carrying, rocking and singing, I was about to join in the screaming.

Then all of a sudden, there it was. The sound of silence. Except for the ringing in my ears which didn’t go away for the next 3 months.

Like I said, motherhood is a life-changing experience. And when you’re in it, there’s no turning back, so every day, all that’s left to do is suck it up and keep going.

by Daphne