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kirsten

Funny or So I think, lists you should paste on your fridge, unqualified parenting tips

Taken – The Ultimate Parenting Guide

April 29, 2009

Had a hot date with the husband to watch Taken a few days back and I must say, it was surprisingly good. Taken is your typical, no nonsense, action movie where Liam Neeson went around beating the living daylights out of everything that moves. The intro was a little slow, but once the fun started, the action sequences were tight and somewhat realistic, so all in all, it was thoroughly enjoyable. (I have a weakness for these swashbuckling, one-man-show CIA super agents)

Thanks to Luc Besson, Neeson’s character is like James Bond, Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer all rolled into one incredible fighting machine. I particularly loved the sequence where he stabbed 2 metal sticks into the Albanian mafia dude’s thigh (who abducted his daughter) and proceeded to electrocute him senseless.

But underneath the carnage and destruction, the movie actually has many important messages that parents should drill into their kids. It’s like the ultimate parenting guide (or propaganda). When Kirsten turns 16, I’m gonna make her watch this with my own running commentary in the background.

Lesson 1: Going on a road trip across Europe with friends will result in abduction.

I’m pretty sure at some point she’s going to want to travel with her friends to whatever is the next big travel destination in 2018. I’m going to instill a rule where there will be no traveling alone until she turns 24 or gets married (which should not happen before she’s 24 anyway).

It’s a catch 22. If she goes with a bunch of girlfriends, there’s no way any of them will be able to put up a fight in the face of imminent abduction. (Don’t believe the Alias female Kungfu fighter nonsense) A bunch of adolescent girls on a holiday is like spreading honey on your chest. You can’t be surprised if a swarm of killer bees sting the crap out of you.

But if she goes on a trip with some adolescent male friends (we all know what teenage guys have on their minds 24/7), I can bet my life that there will be some hanky panky going on when she’s halfway around the world. Not an appealing prospect as far as I’m concerned.

Lesson 2: Don’t talk to strangers, especially if they are handsome and French.

Handsome guys are usually up to no good, so avoid them like the plague. If you must talk to boys, choose those ugly-ass ones with pock-marks, buck-teeth and giant, geeky specs. Better still if they are with their mothers and speak only Mandarin.

Lesson 3: Don’t make the sexytime unless you want to get sold off to prostitution and die.

I couldn’t help but notice that the two girls ended up with very different fates. Amanda, the promiscuous one, ended up DEAD after OD-ing on drugs. Kim, on the other hand, who showed some restraint in having her cherry popped too early, was rescued by her super spy of a father who went on a rampage across the whole of France.

amanda-kim2

Kim was saved thanks to the fact that she was certified 100% pure (exact words from the movie), so if you’re reading this eventually, Kirsten, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE THE SEXYTIME until you get married. Your father will hunt down the unfortunate chap who is responsible for the deed and after he’s done, the poor fella will wish he was the Albanian dude who got electrocuted.

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Funny or So I think

The Name Game

April 6, 2009

I’m having a massive dilemma, so much so that I’m grabbing my head while meditating on the floor (lotus position, say ohm…) as I type. I was so sure that Kirsten was THE CHOSEN NAME for my little munchkin. But something has been troubling me of late, and I will have no rest till I come to terms with it.

Well, so it’s like this. I’ve been infatuated many times in my life, and fallen so head-over-heels in love that my head spins and I can barely catch my breath. But I’ve never felt like this before. I am completely besotted with the deep-badass goddess of fug that is TILDA SWINTON (trust me, you WANT to click on the link). She brings me unspeakable joy and makes my life complete. May she live forever.

And to pay homage to her genius, I’m willing to offer one of my offspring to be named after her greatness, in hope that a sliver of her brilliance will be somehow passed on to my baby girl.

Therein lies my dilemma. Much as I love how Kirsten Kao sounds, TILDA KAO would kick its pretty little ass out of this galaxy. Think of all the goodness that lies in the name.

First, I’ve got the cheesy sibling alliteration name thing going. They will all have names beginning with ‘T’. Truett, Tilda, Travis, Trent, Tristan. I’ll have my own little terrific tribe of tiny tots. Everyone will be so envious.

I’ve also googled the meaning for Tilda, and it totally rocks. It means “Mighty in Battle”. What could be better than having my own warrior princess? Her battle cries alone will give Tru a run for his money.

Best of all, it’s not your usual Jane or Mary. (disclaimer so I don’t get hate mail: those are very pretty names) Nobody in her school (no, make it life) will be called Tilda, so she’ll grow up with a unique personality. She’ll never have to deal with just being another face in the crowd.

So I’m really torn. Should I stick with the safe and go with Kirsten, or jump off the deep end and follow my heart to go with Tilda? I’m leaning towards the latter.

Oh, but there’s just one teensy, weensy pickle. “Tilda Kao(s) come home” would be mildly amusing.

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POLL RESULTS: KIRSTEN (61%) TILDA (39%)

Drats, it wasn’t even as close as I hoped. All you people with your predispositions! Tilda day comes, I will wait patiently..

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kids inc

What’s in a name?

February 24, 2009

I am of the opinion that Shakespeare got it all wrong when he said “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” I’m guessing his idealism got the better of him. I, for one, am certain that names do matter. A lot. Chances are, Romeo and Juliet would probably not be the classic that it is if it were called Romeo and Julio (read Hoo-lyo). Snigger, snigger.

I’ve been putting off the whole name selection process for 5 months now, and I think it’s time. I mean, it’s the kind of huge decision that sticks with them for life, and I really don’t want to muck it up. Plus, it doesn’t help that their last name will be, wait for it… KAO. Cool last names like Smith or Williams can go with practically anything, but with Kao, that’s a different story. It’s a delicate balance between being unique and keeping it cool.

Take for example, a lovely name like Abarne. Pair it with most names and it works, but if I were to name my daughter that, her name in itself would be a knock-knock joke.

Knock-knock. Who’s there?

Abarne. Abarne who?

Abarne Kao.

Snigger, snigger.

As a rule of thumb, literary devices also don’t work in a name. Rhymes (Julia Gulia), alliterations (Peter Piper) and onomatopoeias (Ling Ling) are a no-go. If you haven’t already noticed, kids are brutal when it comes to name-calling and a badly chosen name would be like sending her bleeding and blind into the pack of wolves.

After mulling over it for a couple of days, the list was narrowed down to Ava, Emma and Kirsten. Emma Kao got voted off first, because it sounded too much like “I’m a Kao”. Ava, I really liked, but of all the things in the world, it had to mean birdlike. And I hate birds. (There’s a story here which involves a crow getting lodged in a woman’s frontal skull, but I’ll save it for another time.)

So we’ve decided on Kirsten Kao. Yes, I know it breaks the alliteration rule, but if you say it enough times, there’s a rather nice ring to it.

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