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kirsten

kids inc

Anyone knows how to cure Bag Lady Odor?

September 3, 2009

It’s not for me, obviously, because I smell wonderful all the time. But seriously, I need a cure for a severe case of bag lady odor. And I need more constructive comments than moth balls and talcum powder.

See, it’s actually for my baby girl. My beautiful baby girl, whom I love to bits. Who also smells like a bag lady every morning. And not just any ordinary bag lady but the kind that has been living in an attic for the past 25 years surviving solely on the fungi she grew in her armpits. Yeah, *that* kinda bag lady.

It’s bizarre, really. Every night she goes to bed all clean and smelling like rainbows and strawberries. Then 7 hours in her cot (in an air-conditioned room, mind you), she wakes up and… BAG LADY. It’s not even the smell of body odor after a vigorous workout, which would be perfectly normal seeing how she squirms and grunts all night. But it’s the unmistakable smell of an 85-year-old lady who’s lived in an attic. I kid you not.

I suppose it’s not a big deal because it does go away after a shower, but for a little lady, that’s just not cool. I mean, ok, if it’s just a phase that goes away after a while, that’s fine and Mama can find a way to not pass out while picking her up in the morning. But what if it never goes away and even when she’s 25, she still has to rush to the toilet every morning to ward off the bag lady odor. I feel for the dude who becomes my son-in-law and wakes up on their honeymoon to his grand-aunt Ingrid.

I tried googling it, but nobody seems to have that problem, so I guess I’m all on my own here. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Oh wait, Kirsten, if you’re reading this and wondering why no boy is asking you out, Mommy tried her best and it’s just incurable. The best shot you got is hoping that these nice people will find a way to make the smell disappear.

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motherhood

10 things I love about you

August 13, 2009

To my princess,

A month ago, I was screaming my head off in the delivery ward being all unglamorous and trying to push an entire human being out of my body. In the moments of respite between contractions, I would close my eyes and imagine how life would be like with you in my arms, to hold you and smell you and get to know you. Right now, those moments seem like a lifetime ago and I can’t imagine life without you in the picture.

It’s been an entire month of unspeakable insanity but in the midst of the sleep deprivation, postpartum depression and accursed hormone fluctuations, I’ve had the most wonderful time just looking at you and loving you.

On this first month milestone, here’s Mommy’s list of the top 10 things I absolutely LOVE about you.

1. The way your tiny little mouth breaks into a giant smile after you finish your milk. I had no idea your mouth was capable of opening that wide to accommodate that grin. And who cares if it’s gas, it’s nice to be smiled at anyway.

2. Your lovely baby smell right after a shower (even though it doesn’t last long – but that’s fine, I dont take that well to heat myself).

3. For not blinding and killing me with your poop. Have I said that I was eternally grateful? Yes, I am.

4. How you let me hold you for as long as I want without squirming or trying to break free. I’ve never had that with your brother.

5. The way you settle so comfortably on my chest. It’s the only way to calm you down on those particularly fussy nights.

6. Your chubby cheeks that’s always threatening to eat up your entire face. Also, sorry I bit your cheeks so many times. I can’t help it. I’m taking medication for that.

7. The way your itsy bitsy fingers grab on to my shirt/bra/hair/skin so tightly just as I’m attempting to put you in your cot. “No, mommy, nooooooo”

8. How you pout your quivering lips right before you break into the scream of your life like a prelude of what’s to come. That totally cracks me up.

9. Your ability to sit in the baby chair for extended stretches without fussing while your brother takes his turn at tormenting me.

10. The look of adoration you reserve for your daddy and me. That, to me, is worth all the madness in the world.

You, baby girl, are the beating of my heart.

With all the love in the world,

Mommy

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literally a crappy post, motherhood

Wholly Crap!

August 11, 2009
Yes, it looks way cuter than it actually is.

Yes, it looks way cuter than it actually is.

So, my kids have developed a new game, which is to see who can produce more poop in a day. It used to be that Kirsten was hands down the champion in that division, since breastmilk makes her defecate 6-7 times a day, which she tries to reserve for the times her diaper is off. Occasionally, when she is all out of poop, she can produce foam from her ass. Oh, trust me, I didn’ t think it was possible either, until I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.

Ever since Tru started taking the ancient Chinese herbs, his bowel movements have also been miraculously multiplied. I’m attributing it to the detoxification process. Instead of the usual package he delivers once a day, it has recently gone up to a record 6 packs of poop. All I can say is that I hope this detox is doing some good to his system. Or else I’d be cleaning extra crap for no reason at all.

So the other day, in the midst of the mayhem that goes on in my house, Tru somehow managed to smear his crap all over the back of his romper. It also had to happen when I was momentarily otherwise engaged with feeding the little one so I could only watch in horror as he made patches of crap stains all over my living room with his ass. See, I’ve heard of finger painting but this is a real first. I was all like “Tru, Nooooooooooooo, don’t sit down!”, but of course the shock from my outburst had him landing flat on his ass. He then got up, crawled a few steps and sat right back down again. Rinse and repeat. Until my living room was covered with a layer of ass-shaped crap designs. If you ask me, it trumps his last masterpiece.

Not to be outdone, Kirsten had her own version of crap-smearing. After numerous accidents on my bed, I’ve shifted her nappy changing area to the couch in the living room. The good thing is that I don’t have to keep changing bedsheets but the flip side is that my faux leather sofa is now infested with all kinds of bodily fluids. From experience, I’ve learnt to anticipate the jet stream of poop that flies out during her nappy changes, but after 5 minutes and nothing, I thought it wasn’t going to happen. But just as I swiped the diaper from under her bum, lo and behold, a fresh stream of mustard mash gushed out and almost hit me in the eye. It’s only thanks to my ninja reflexes that I’m still alive at this moment. Inevitably, the shit hit the fan (except that it was the floor, stool,  remote control, and some parts of my body).

I suppose it could have been worse. Tru could have been around when it happened (he was sound asleep) and he would have had a field day grabbing it and smearing it liberally on multiple surfaces. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I used to be terrified of cleaning crap but 2 kids in, we’re now practically best friends. Like real tight.

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