It’s amazing how being awake at 3 in the morning can give you immense clarity on things. Here I am half asleep and stoned out of my mind, hoping I don’t somehow spasm and drop the baby while I feed her. With one hand I’m holding her bottle, and with the other, I’m stroking her head to induce sleepiness so she will fall right back asleep after her feed (I’m a genius like that).
And as I’m holding her, it hits me that I now have a little girl in my arms. Ever since the delivery, I’ve been so caught up with the baby blues and the crying and exhaustion that I haven’t had time to really take in the awesomeness of it all.
With Tru, I feel awfully proud all the time. Like he’s the coolest, cheekiest, most charming boy I’ve ever seen, and I can’t help feeling like one proud mama. He’s all ruddy and scruffy and I know that someday soon, he’ll be too big to my Mommy’s boy. Which is fine by me, cos who wants a namby pamby boy anyway? I’d much rather he goes out to explore the world and come home regaling stories of his adventures.
But now, holding my baby girl, I feel incredibly overwhelmed. She’s so girly and sweet and she’s got this lovely way of looking at me like I mean the world to her. She’s got daddy’s eyes, Tru’s nose and mommy’s drop-dead gorgeous everything else. She’s going to grow up to be a heartbreaker, and we’ll have to have to fight off boys till she’s 25. Or 45. Whichever comes later. Girls are different because she will always be Mommy’s little princess. Even when she’s all grown up and has her own kids, I would still shower her with hugs and kisses and we’ll have long chats over coffee by the fireplace (I’m thinking Lake Tahoe). I’m looking forward to those.
I often wondered before she was born if I would have enough love for the both of them, and whether I’d be able to divide it equally between them. Now I realize that you somehow find it within you to love them more that you ever thought possible. So I’m losing my sleep and a little bit of my sanity. I have been showered with all sorts of bodily fluids. I’m carrying the kids so much that I have lost all feeling in my arms (and they are also scarily muscular). But I’m their mommy, so I’ll suck it up and keep going in exchange for some hugs and kisses.
So before the madness begins again, I have to capture the moment and write this down. It’ll be all hands on deck when they wake up in the morning, so for now, I’m savoring the moment for just a little longer.
