Browsing Tag

dream

motherhood

One day at at time

July 17, 2009

I feel like I’m in a dream, or a stupor. I’m watching myself  morphing into this person I can’t even recognize and I’m on the outside looking in, not able to do anything about it. I’ve totally lost my sense of humor, everything sucks big time and I’m reduced to a crying machine. Six months later, this might actually be funny on retrospect but right now, it’s just plain sickening.

The crying bouts are back with a vengeance and the husband’s catch phrase these days is “want to cry cry”? Which sounds retarded, but it will somehow trigger off the tears and I’ll start bawling away.

Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m crying about, but I must say it’s kinda cathartic. It’s a vicious cycle; I become totally irrational and start worrying that I’m a terrible mother and my kids are going to grow up dysfunctional and I’ll become a psychotic monster of a mother who will end up frazzled and crazy. Then I get pissed off with everything and after that I’ll get all guilty and hate myself.

But right after, I usually feel a lot better. For like a couple of hours until the next cry.

Just yesterday, I was spending time with Tru and suddenly it hits me, so I start crying uncontrollably. I think he knew that I’m crying, so he peered intently at me for like a full minute, then he climbed onto my lap and nuzzled his head on my chest. I’ve been feeling awful about not being able to spend time with him the past 4 days while I was in the hospital and all I could do was hold him and cry for a good 10 minutes.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to last the next 3 months. What with the exhaustion and stress and pain and breastfeeding problems and depression, it’s all I can do to get through one day at a time. It’s so bad that I’m actually considering some anti-depressants or medication to help with the hormones.

Every morning I wake up telling myself I just need to survive the day and everything will be fine. Just one more day.

by
pregnancy, sexytime

Two is enough…for now.

June 18, 2009
jon_and_kate_plus8

Jon and Kate plus 8. I'll get there, someday..

With 2 pregnancies back to back, I’ve been pregnant for so long I can’t remember what it feels like not to be pregnant. To wear regular clothes and dye my hair and bend over to cut my toenails without passing out. And I’ve been telling everyone who will listen that I NEED A BREAK. My body is screaming out for some respite and I have this nagging suspicion that it will go on strike if I have a third kid. Like completely break down and refuse to work.

Just the other day my mom (who adores kids) told me flat out that if I had another kid, Grandma won’t be coming to the rescue. There’s no way she’s watching 3 kids while I head out for my weekly movie breaks.

And I ended up having this totally weirdish conversation with her in the kitchen. Cos it’s always awkward talking to your mom about the details of your very active sex life.

Mom: You should consider some contraceptive methods after you give birth.

Me: *mumbles* Yeah, we’ll look into it.

Mom: It’s important to do some family planning, like see what options are available.

Me: *mumbles some more* Uh, yeah, I know.

She probably had a lot more to say, but I had to make a hasty getaway before the conversation ended up something like “Mommy’s favorite contraceptive was…” Ok, TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION.

That being said, I am definitely going to have some serious contraceptive plan after I pop (which will be reserved for another post) because I cannot handle having a third kid, at least not in the next 3 years. I need my life back. But the totally freaky thing is that I’ve been having this recurrent dream that almost immediately after Kirsten in born, I’m preggers again.

So in my dream I’m holding the pregnancy test strip and there’s that plus sign which means positive and I’m freaking out at the husband (it will be all his fault if it happens) and screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO” at the top of my lungs.

And you’d think the dream ends there, but then it continues and suffice to say, at the end of the dream, I look like a cross between a hobo and Helena Bonham Carter, except with crazier hair and bloodshot eyes.

Repeat after me. Not going to happen.

by
milestones & musings

Finally, the big ONE

June 2, 2009

It’s officially my baby boy’s first birthday today, and I can’t help feeling like one proud mama. Just like that, it’s been a year. 365 days of toil and tears, but also 365 days of love and laughter. In short, it’s been the best year of my life.

This time last year, I was lying on the operating table (fully awake, mind you) with my stomach sliced open and blood all over the table. I could actually see the entire goings-on thanks to the nurse who was holding a reflective metal dish just above my abdomen. My OBGYN thought I was blissfully unaware of what was happening, and I decided to play along. I was too intrigued to be able to witness the whole birthing process.

Then there was this moment where I finally heard the first cry of my little trooper as he came out screaming and kicking. But it was not until they wrapped him up and put him on my chest that it started to sink in. It was so surreal to see this tiny little guy with a headful of armani-styled hair and pouty lips looking back at me and involuntarily, I felt myself tearing.

Somehow, I knew my life was never going to be the same again.

So on this special day, here’s what I’d really like to say.

Tru,

Next to marrying your father, finding out that I was pregnant with you was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better, smarter, cuter, happier or fun-ner first kid. It’s not easy being a mom, but you make my job seem like a piece of cake.

You go to sleep on your own at 7.30 every night, eat your vegetables and clean the house for me. The best part of my day is waking up and seeing you every morning, knowing that you’ll reserve your biggest grin for mama. I love snuggling in bed with you before and after your naps as you tumble around and burrow your head like you’re digging your way to China. I relish the times that you climb onto my lap just to be held (even though it usually lasts for 5 seconds max) and look at me with those soulful eyes.

I could go on about all the little stuff you do that makes me go all gooey inside (just don’t exploit it when you grow up). But I just want to say thanks for loving us the way you do.

You’re growing up really fast. Those days when you were flailing around with your skinny chicken legs seem like a lifetime ago, and every day, I watch you grow a little bigger and a lot smarter. You’re going to become a fine young man before I know it. So before I forget, here’s a list of your mother’s words of wisdom (get ready for some serious fromage).

1. Dare to dream and live those dreams

Life’s too awesome to be afraid of failing. Attempt the spectacular and do the stuff that people don’t even dare to dream of. You’re made of tougher stuff, so even if you fall flat on your ass and the world is sniggering, just get up, flick the dust off your clothes and grin like it’s the funniest thing in the world. Then turn around and try it again. You’ll at least have 2 crazy fans cheering you on.

2. Love people with a passion

Last time I checked, wimpy, half-hearted displays of affection aren’t worth much. If you don’t love people until it hurts you in the gut, then it doesn’t really count and you’re better off not loving them at all.

3. Develop a backbone

I can’t tell you how important it is to grow a spine and be a person of integrity. Do the difficult thing and make tough choices. If you take the easy way out all the time, all you end up with at the end of your life is a truckload of wasted potential and missed opportunities.

4. Smile and the whole world smiles with you

You’ve already got a head start in this department. With your shy, boyish grin, it’s enough to make any heart melt when you turn on the charm. Don’t believe in that pessimist, I’m-just-a-realist nonsense. Optimists take over the world and make things happen. Smell the roses and bathe underneath the waterfalls. And especially when it sucks to do it, take a deep breath and smile.

5. Friendships are the most important thing

It’s no fun at all going through life alone and brooding loners usually are that way not by choice, but by the lack of it. Learn to be the kind of friend that stands in the face of adversity and is not afraid to tell the truth when it hurts.

You are going to rock this world.

Happy Birthday, my boy.

by