Bad english really cracks me up. Wait, let me rephrase that. Unintentional bad english really cracks me up. Now I don’t walk around with a stick up my ass speaking like a stuffy English professor all the time, or the Queen for that matter. In fact, I’m a big fan of the vernacular. Intentional bad English, that’s a whole art form altogether, but it’s the unintentional ones that really do it for me.
We all know the rules of basic grammar. Elementary, my dear Watson. Nothing too complicated, like proper placement of S’s and usage of tenses, which my kids will learn.
Then there are variations to the language in the spoken form, which I also intend to impart to my kids.
1. Brit English
“By golly, I dare say, that’s a smashing piece of scone. Absolutely delightful.”
2. American English
“So you know, I was all like, dude, that’s totally wicked. Seriously, it’s way cool, y’all”
3. Singlish
Eh, where got? Don’t say me like that lah. I don’t friend you then you know ah.”
4. Kazakhstani English
“I am very excite. Please, you come see my film. If it not success, I will be execute.”
5. Barbarella English (I have been trying unsuccessfully for years to perfect this one so you just have to watch it yourself)
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYcmZ2x2NZE
It’s only when you are trained in the basic rules of the language that you can intentionally bend the rules and create new ones. I have a point here, which I will get to soon.
So over the weekend, while we brought Tru to cut his hair at this lovely little shop over at Plaza Singapura, I was juggling and doing multiple contortions to keep Tru entertained so he wouldn’t get his eye poked out. I turned around to see the husband laughing his head off behind me. The cause of such joviality was an arcade machine inconspicuously placed near the entrance of the shop. It’s one of those machines where a giant hammer is used to smash little animals that would pop their heads out intermittently.
On the machine was a set of instructions to explain the rules of the game. I did not make any typological errors in the following prose. You can click on the image to enlarge it if you don’t believe me.
Invetsmts havn’t the risk, Quickly allies! Throw the once basic coin please
Game is explained: Throw into once basic game beginning, small looable eight mice the reasonis in snccession slow hide in naughty qinck complging with out in the hole. game person is prompt to hit the reaction abilitg ciming to jndge you rates a bit since the general mouse returning to a hde.
Translation: Beat the stupid mice with the stick and you will develop the reflexes of a ninja. Quick, get as many suckers as you can to join in the fun!
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[singlepic id=96 w=500 h=332 float=centre]
There are so many things that are wrong with this that I cannot begin to talk about it. All I can say is the next time you have a lousy day, take a trip down to Plaza Singapura and head over to the third floor and you will find a colorful shop where babies are swimming in tubs. You will not be disappointed.
I'm sure it does.
