Living with toddlers

More often than not, having a toddler (or two) running around the house is a basket of awesome.

They walk around wearing 15 articles of clothing (some of which belong to me), put stuff in their nostrils and spend way too much time trying to fit into little boxes. They know when they’re doing something cute and will often draw attention to their cuteness with a “MOMMY LOOK AT ME!” followed by a fit of giggles.

That thing they do where they hold your ears and kiss you all over your face (2 on the cheeks, 2 on the eyes, the forehead, nose and chin)? Totally makes you want to buy them anything they want. “You’d like that $200 doll house that’s basically made of paper cardboard? Of course, pumpkin!”

They dazzle you with their cuteness, smother you with hugs and flash you those innocent peepers to make you feel like having them around is the best thing in the world.

Which it would be if not for some of the things they do that make you want to stab yourself repeatedly with a blunt object.

Stuff like…

1. Pee everywhere. The one thing that toddlers lack is focus and we all know (I’m mostly referring to guys here) how important that is when it comes to the fine art of peeing. It looks easy enough to me – just aim and fire. But apparently it’s harder than it looks because just when about 87% of the pee goes into the toilet bowl, they inevitably start to lose focus and it ends up everywhere else but the bowl.

One time Tru was doing his thing and I wanted to show him something really cool so I was all “Tru, come quick!” He turned and ran out midstream and I watched the pee fly all over my toilet in slow motion as I screamed “NO NOOOOOO TURN BACK YOU’RE STILL PEEING!!!” So he got even more confused and turned around 360 degrees, all the while still peeing. Fun times.

2. Hide everything. That’s actually ok if they remember where they put it. But they don’t. And in an emergency (which is like all the time), they stare at you blankly when you ask “Where’s my car key? Mommy’s late we have to leave now.” Then again, it’s possibly worse when they know and think it’s funny not to tell you so they look at each other and giggle while you panic and threaten to withhold gummies for a month.

3. Stick their sticky fingers on things that should not be stuck. They’re like spiderman, except much less cool and somewhat annoying. I pick up my phone and it’s sticky. I open my macbook and there’s a layer of sticky. I pick out my shoes and yes, they’re sticky.

4. Dunk my stuff in water. I get why they love water so much. Really, I do. It’s WET! It’s SPLASHY! It makes things float. It makes things sink. It’s SUPER FUN! It’s just not as fun for me when I have to fish out my phone from the bottom of the bathtub to watch the screen flicker until it breathes its last and dies in my arms.

5. Talk in that high-pitched nasally voice when they don’t get what they want. There’s the normal voice that normal people have and there the incessant, high-pitched hypersonic version that toddlers have. It’s like a special power that nobody wants.

Toddler: Mommy can I have gummies?

Me: No.

Toddler: Please, just one?

Me: No sweetie, you just had TEN “just ones.”

Toddler: Iwantgummeeesmommyiwantsomanyilikegummeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… 

Me: *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab*