Hormones

Hormones are one of those things I don’t understand, alongside nuclear fusion and quantum physics. I just tried reading the wikipedia definition on hormones and I haven’t got the slightest idea what the entire page is talking about. It’s filled with words that have more syllables than I can pronounce. Heck, I’m not even sure it’s written in English. Sometimes I swear wikipedia is just trying to make me feel like a moron. Thanks for the help, wikipedia.

Here’s my definition: A hormone is a great big pain in the ass. When you have too much or too little, it causes mood swings, pimples, weight gain, nausea, headaches, backaches and depression, among other things. It can occasionally give you bigger boobs but for the side effects that come with it, not even worth it.

Remember my contraceptive dilemma? A couple of days ago, I finally went on the pill because I had a feeling that if we keep taking our chances, I’m going to get myself knocked up before the year is out. Now that the kids are getting more manageable and I can fit into my old jeans again, another baby is so not on the cards right now. The last time I went on the pill, it wasn’t pretty because you see, my hormones do not like to be messed with. It was like my baby-making machine knew something was wrong and started going stark raving mad. I was sick, pukey and moody for a couple of weeks until I realized it was caused by the pill. I know because the moment I stopped, it all magically went away. This time, I asked the doctor for something that wouldn’t cause all the side effects and he introduced me this pill called Yasmin. Besides, I have this friend called Yasmin who’s a perfectly nice person and yes, that’s the kind of advanced decision-making skills I have.

Anyway, turns out that Yasmin hates me. Or my hormones. The day I started, I could feel all the symptoms coming back with a vengeance. At first, I thought it was all in my head like that Inception movie but by the second day, I was as edgy and irritable and nauseous and depressed as I had been during the first round. I checked the list of symptoms in the box and what do you know, I had most of them. Then as I read on, the list just got worse, right until I got to the point where I saw weight gain. Talk about crushing irony.

Now why anyone would want to take a pill that makes them gain weight is beyond me. I mean, the whole point of not having another baby is so that I don’t gain another 30 pounds in my ass so I’m certainly not about to help myself retain more fats. I can do that by eating a double quarter pounder with supersized fries and at least, I would have enjoyed the process.

I’m off the pill now and back to Russian Roulette. Seriously, don’t wish me luck.

I got to ask, what contraceptives do you use? If you’re not comfortable leaving a comment, just drop me an email. Help a girl out here.