Clothes are not legitimate mucus wipers. Really, I shouldn’t have to clarify this.

It all started when Tru had a bit of the sniffles a while back. He had all this mucus streaming down his nose non-stop all day and I had to keep running back and forth to get more tissue, wipe his nose, throw it away, get a fresh piece, and then another and another.

I tried to conserve the tissue by reusing them but those that got stuffed into my pocket got all scrunched and clumpy and I ended up with this huge ball of soggy grossness which was way too gross to reuse. So then I tried leaving half-used pieces lying everywhere so I could grab one to reuse and the husband started yelling at me for living like a hobo and he didn’t listen when I told him that I was trying to save the earth so that was the end of that. I also tried using a hanky but they got soaked up too fast and I quickly ran out of dry corners to wipe his nose with.

So one time, when I got tired of hauling my ass up and down the house for more tissue, I grabbed the front of Tru’s tshirt and used it to wipe his dripping mucus. Just once. Which I now regret deeply because thanks to that one dumbass move, my son now thinks that clothes are legitimate mucus wipers. Which they are not.

Plus, I can’t even get all disgusted like “EWWWWW, where did you learn that filthy move from?” without being implicated in the process.

It doesn’t help that recently, his nose has been a little runny every time he wakes up from a nap. So his new routine involves running to me, grabbing my top and using it to wipe his nose. He also uses daddy’s shorts, grandma’s tops, Kirsten’s rompers and get this, FRESHLY FOLDED LAUNDRY to clean his mucus with.

I’ve been trying to re-indoctrinate him by making him use tissues instead but he’s all like “I’m not going to go ALL THE WAY to get a tissue when I can just use my shirt or this pretty tablecloth right here.”

You think as a parent, you can get away with stuff but kids are brutal. They magnify your flaws and take it to the next level so there’s not running away from it and you can’t even pretend like it’s not there.  It’s starting to get very embarrassing because I’m going to be known as the parent without a sense of personal hygiene.

I hope he hasn’t done it to anyone in school yet but let’s just say that I’m prepared for a chat with his teachers anytime now. If this continues, I’m going to have to go Clockwork Orange on him very soon. Relax, I’m only kidding.