Thoughts on motherhood

On the topic of my deep, profound thoughts about motherhood, here are some…

1. Why is it that kids suddenly MUST. PEE. NOW. just 5 minutes after I ask them “do you need to pee” and they say no.

2. The day I change fresh bedsheets is the day they decide to vomit on it.

3. Shouting “MOM WHERE’S MY ______ (*insert lego, transformers, hello kitty toy)” makes it magically appear in front of them.

4. There’s no need to pay full price for kids clothes because a) they always go on sale and b) someone will spill ink, paint and chocolate sauce on it.

5. Peeing straight into the toilet bowl is so much more difficult than clearing level 14-10 of Angry Birds Space and getting all 3 stars.

6. Always keep candy and potato chips on hand because I am not above bribery. I thought I was until I had to go out with 3 kids alone and I discovered that no, I’m not.

7. Every other parent and non-parent will think that they’re better than you at parenting your kid. Punch them in the face.

8. Fact: TV and computer games won’t turn their brains into marshmallows.

9. “One of these days, I will miss waking up at night to feed my screaming baby.” Said no mom ever.

10. Any request prefaced by “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” and a hug is 5 times as likely to get a “yes”. Us moms are suckers and they know it, we know it, everybody knows it. Just roll with it.