Supersex: the parent edition

What I’m going to say next falls squarely in the category of too much information so if you’re weirdish about this sort of thing or happen to be my kids, you can STOP READING NOW and go see some pictures of cute puppies instead.

You’ve probably heard people say that the sexytime game changes the moment you have kids but they don’t say exactly how it changes or what to do about it. They make generic statements like “kids are the opposite of aphrodisiacs” and laugh uncomfortably, which just makes you feel even more uncomfortable for them. It doesn’t help the cause when you look at frazzled couples holding a screaming baby and snapping away at each other.

When you’re baby-free and having smokin’ hot action, you tell yourself that you’re the exception to the rule. You’re all “baby or no baby, momma’s bringing her A game”. In your head, you think you can sneak in a quickie during their naps or do the long snuggles when they’re nicely tucked into bed at 7.30.

And that sound you hear is the present me totally mocking the pre-baby me right now.

The moment the kids came along, it was like my libido hastily bought a one-way ticket to Siberia and has been sending me postcards ever since. Where we used to do the whole spontaneous clothes ripping routine to boom-chica-wow-wow music, now we have discussions on penciling in whoopie nights to screaming kids in the background that go something like this.

Me: How about Friday? Friday looks good, TGIF wooo!

Kel: We’ve got that thing on Friday, we’ll be way too tired by the time we get back. Saturday?

Me: Nah-uh. We’re playing Manchester City at 11. Unless we do it before the match.

Kel: Can’t. My match is before your match.

Me: Ok, Sunday afternoon 2.30 when the kids are asleep.

Kel: Cool.

Then along comes Sunday afternoon and one of the kids will refuse to nap or I’ll fall asleep for 3 hours while trying to get the kids to nap.

It’s not that parents can’t have great sex. It just takes a lot more effort and advanced planning, while dealing with exhaustion, postpartum depression, leaky boobs, cramps, fussy babies and a whole lot of tension. Seeing how we’ve been conditioned to think that the best sex happens in the heat of the moment, it’s no wonder that people don’t think much of postpartum sex.

Ok, so then the question is how to keep the magic going when it seems like sex is the furthest thing on your mind. Ah, let me refer you to my handy little list of awesome tips.

1. Plan to be spontaneous

That’s not an oxymoron. Babies don’t afford you much luxury for spontaneity, unless you count their spontaneous screaming and vomiting the moment you start start removing articles of clothing. You want to be spontaneous? Plan for date night, get a babysitter, put on those garters and go do something fun then see where the night takes you.

2. Dress up just for kicks

Here’s one for all the stay home moms. When you’re at home running after babies all day, you don’t care that you look like Susan Boyle on a bad day, or that your milk-stained tee hasn’t been changed since you can’t even remember how long ago. Put on some makeup and find a reason to get out a little just to mix it up a bit.

3. Spend quality alone time without the kids

Parent mode is like preparing for battle – not at all conducive for the sexytime. It’s only when we get some time off from the kids that we get to feel like kids again, which means we’re more likely to do fun stuff.

4. Do the grand gestures

The problem with a routine is that you end up doing the same thing the same way because if it ain’t broke, why fix it right? Wrong. Girls still like the scented candles and rose petals even if it means the kids are likely to set the house on fire. Play the lingerie-treasure-hunt-dress-up game. Don’t know what that is? Never mind, make up your own game.

5. Manage the expectations

This is perhaps the most important part. Most of the time, the sex doesn’t happen and when it does, it doesn’t happen the way you want it to. You put on your wonder woman costume and the kids decide to have a bad dream. That’s when you got to roll with the punches and find some other way to make the magic happen, capisce?