Five More Weeks.

Just like that, I’m at week 35 of this pregnancy. I’ve got 5 weeks to go and I’m not sure if I should be relieved or start throwing my arms in the air and shrieking a little. Maybe a bit of both.

Part of me just wants to give birth like NOW. I’m at the point of the pregnancy where I have difficulty doing simple tasks like taking off my pants or trimming my toenails. Just the other day, I was attempting to walk briskly when the husband leaned in real close and whispered “I need to tell you something, babe…you’re starting to waddle.” And then I punched him in the stomach. Ok, not really. It was more of a friendly jab to the abdominal region.

But with the reality of the impending birth setting in, I’m starting to remember the TRAUMA that is childbirth. Oh, you know, the whole having to push a human out of my vagina thing.

Apparently, mothers have this ability to block out the trauma after giving birth, which is why they can have another kid 6 months after a major screamfest in the hospital. What they don’t tell you is that while you’re able to block out the trauma when you’re having fun making the baby, it all comes flooding back when you’re about to deliver the baby.

Which is um, right about now.

And that brings me to my list of 3 most terrifying things about childbirth. If you’re planning to make a baby anytime soon, I’d recommend that you go see some pictures of cute babies first and come back a few months later when it’s too late and there’s no escaping the process.

1. Cervix check

To fully understand why this is such a nightmare, you have to know where the cervix is. I’d show you pictures but this is a wholesome family blog so you’ll just have to trust me when I say that it’s located in a place that shouldn’t be checked with bare hands. In order to reach the cervix to check it, the nurse has to put her hand and jab around somewhere you really don’t want her to. And yes, it’s every bit as painful as it sounds.

2. Episiotomy

This process involves a scalpel (or scissors) and your lady bits. Those are 2 objects that shouldn’t be near each other but this is the kind of thing that happens in the wonderful world of childbirth. Especially for VBAC cases, the doctor has to make an incision so the baby’s head doesn’t get stuck and cause a wound rupture. How very fun and exciting.

3. Labor Pain

For better or worse, the pain of labor trumps any other sort of pain you feel at childbirth. The husband was standing by witnessing the episiotomy in horror but I had no idea that it was happening because the pain of labor was all I could think of. It’s like when you get shot in the leg, it really doesn’t matter that you also just stubbed your toe, which I guess is a good thing in a bizarre sort of way.