Father Inc

The biggest relationship secret ever, unveiled.

August 8, 2009

For those that are popping by this blog over the weekend and expecting just the random musings of a dad of two with absolutely no take away – eat your heart out, because what I’m going to share with you is something that is going to change your life irrevocably and immeasurably for the better.

I’m not talking about good advice here. I’m talking about a movement. A campaign. A paradigm shift that is going to shatter your predispositions toward  logic, justice and women.

This is post is really meant for men. If you are a woman reading this post, and are in any sort of a relationship – you need to share this with your partner. Email them this post. Put it up on your Facebook. Retweet it. Shout it out on the streets. We’re talking about millions of lives here.

I am putting forth a hypothesis, no, a definitive truth,  that will shorten the duration of quarrels, prematurely terminate conflicts, and ultimately effect an increase in the life expectancy of men to finally match that of women.

Here’s how it goes.

Men should sincerely apologise to the woman with the greatest remorse possible in every single conflict.The apology must be made regardless of the reason nor the circumstances leading to the conflict.The apology must be heartfelt, sincere, non-patronising and suffer the dual tests of continual agitation & abuse .

In other words, the man must just say sorry.

Just say sorry.

Repeat after me.

Just say sorry.

Before you start hurling inflammatory comments at me (watch it fellas, this is a mommy blog after all) – i have already prepared an FAQ to address those concerns you may have. Now put the gun down, young man.

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1. What should I “just say sorry” if it wasn’t my fault in the first place??

A: Whether it was your fault or not is really subjective.  There was no overarching, neutral and benevolent authority that chronicled the details of what happened that led to the conflict and then decided that it was my fault.

The famous Johari Window talks about a potential blind spot every person may have, whereby your faults are known to others but not known to self.

It is probably your fault.

2. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Everyone was appalled at what you did. There’s no way on planet earth I can apologise for that!

A:  Remember the time when I asked why you loved me, and you sang that incredibly cheesy song about letting the reason for love be love and it wasn’t even quite right because if I asked why you liked bacon potato chips would you have said “i love sour-cream and onion Pringles, just because.”?

3. Uh, I’m kinda confused. Look, I do love you, but that DOESN’T MAKE WHAT YOU DID RIGHT!

A: People value many things in this world. Amnesty International is commendable in that it values justice and honours symbols of freedom in oppressed countries, like Aung Sang Suu Kyi.

Modern society came to a point where it eschewed dogma and started to value logic and rational thinking. As a result, civilisation advanced in many forms, be it arts, culture but in particular, science and technology.

4. What has that got to do with ANYTHING?

A: I need you to value me above justice. I need you to adore me above freedom. I need you to cherish me more than logic and rational thinking.  I need you to love me because of me.

5. That doesn’t make sense.

A: I need you to love me more than your love for sensibility.

6. Look, YOU are the one that made the mistake. YOU should be the one to “just say sorry”. Why should it be me?

A: We bleed every month and get utterly terrible cramps through no fault of my own.  We are expected to stay in shape but if you eat and get fat, you are just being a “regular dude”. We need to strip and squat down to pee while you just “whip it out”. We  cover the choicest parts of our body to prevent you and your menfolk from grabbing at them. We have to spend hours powdering and grooming our faces to prevent our “out-of-bed” look from dispersing crowds as though there was a zombie invasion when we go onto the streets. We squeeze out an entire human being from within ourselves through an opening no bigger than the size of a ten-cent coin.

Moreover, women have been marginalized through the ages – the pain of  thousands of  years of suffering weigh heavily on my soul, as though they were my own.

7. Wow. Alright, I get the point. It’s my fault, and I want to “just say sorry”. What exactly do I apologise for?

A: If you raised your voice at me, you need to apologise for that. If you didn’t but you ignored me or were cold to me for any duration longer than 30 seconds, you need to apologise for that.

If you didn’t raise your voice at me, nor did you ignore me – you need to apologise for not saying sorry earlier.

8. This is one of the craziest things I have ever heard. Are you sure it’s going to work at all?

A: I may take advantage of your expected subservience in the face of total indignation but that is merely temporal. Chances are –  but I’m not promising anything here – that a couple of years down the road when I have cooled down sufficiently, I may accept some responsibility for what happened. Or I may not. It really depends.

9. That’s amazing!  Sign me up for the “Just Say Sorry” Campaign!

A: Sign yourself up. And get your dude friends to sign up as well. Visit www.justsaysorry.org to make a pledge.

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Oh by the way, this is a chain letter type of post. If you have read this post, you need to send it to at least five other people, or they may get “accidentally” run over by the love of their (albeit short) life  in that harmless looking pink Vespa.

Remember, Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned.

Just say sorry!

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kids inc

Eeny Meeny Miny Moe

August 7, 2009
Guess Who

Guess who..mommy is going to pick?

One of the downsides to having 2 kids so close together is that my boy is forced to grow up a lot faster than he would otherwise have to. At 14 months, he’s still very much a baby, but with the arrival of an even smaller baby, the contrast makes him seem like a giant of a child.  I often find myself thinking that he’s a big boy, then I stop myself short and remember that he’s just barely made it into the stage of toddlerhood.

To be honest, if things were a little different and I didn’t have Kirsten around, I’d still be babying him till he was 12. But with 2 kids, he’s just gotta learn to deal. We all do.

Only thing is, while he’s been amazing these past weeks in making room for his little sister and having to play by himself and coming to terms with the fact that Mommy’s not all his anymore, there are days where I can tell he’s struggling to adjust. And it shows up in different ways. One day he’s clingy and needy and stuck to my hip and another day he’s refusing to let me carry him. Also, after months of sleeping on his own without fussing, he screams bloody murder every time I try to put him to bed. I need to hold him and snuggle for a good hour before he’ll be contented enough to drift off to sleep.

That’s the dilemma though. On any given day, both kids will be demanding for Mommy AT THE SAME TIME and God forbid they have to wait a fraction of a second for me to magically appear. Much as that is a boost to my ego (I’m hot property), it breaks my heart to have to decide who’s turn it is to get me first. At first I was all like “of course I have to attend to the smaller one first since she’s a baby and all”, then I realize that they are both still babies and it’s not really fair for Tru to have to wait all the time. In fact, Kirsten is probably too small for a little bit of crying to do any permanent damage, but Tru’s at an age where he might actually remember that Mommy wasn’t there for him because she was too busy taking care of his baby sister.

So I’ve kinda developed a system to assuage the guilt. Kirsten gets first dibs if she’s hungry (which happens like MOST OF THE TIME and you don’t want to mess with her when she’s hungry) and all other times, I’ll attend to Tru first. When I’m particularly insane ambitious, I’ll try to tackle both at the same time. Although there’s that one time where I hid under the kitchen sink until they both stopped crying and fell back asleep.

I’m totally kidding. About the kids falling back asleep part. I was hiding under the sink but the screaming went on for hours. I think I must have been the one to fall asleep.

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getting ready for baby

Top 5 Essential Baby Items

August 6, 2009

Following up to my list of most useless baby stuff on the planet, I have decided to come up with the top 5 baby items I simply can’t do without. These handy little devices have saved me hours of unexplainable torment – both physically and emotionally, and they each deserve their place on that pedestal of sell-off-some-organs-to-buy kind of stuff. Trust me, motherhood will be so much easier with them.

1. Miracle Blanket

Miracle Blanket

It works miracles

I only stumbled upon the miracle blanket just before Kirsten was born and boy, was that a lifesaver. This ain’t no misnomer, because it works miracles! With Tru, swaddling him was akin to overcoming a wild stallion. After 15 minutes of struggling, I’d finally have him swaddled only to have him break free within seconds. I tried all kinds of wraps and swaddles but none could hold him down.

The ingenuity of the miracle blanket lies in its use of the baby’s own body weight to hold down his arms, while providing a nice, firm hold without strangling the baby. It takes me all of 5 seconds to get Kirsten swaddled and she’s as snug as a bug in a rug baby in a miracle blankie. And there’s a point to the swaddling – it has bought me hours of uninterrupted sleep because she’s not rudely awakened by her own flailing limbs.

Just remember to get spares in case they get puked or pooped on.

2. Medela Purelan Nipple Cream

Kiss sore nipples goodbye

Kiss sore nipples goodbye

Expressing milk 8 times a day for 40 minutes each time has rendered my nipples as  sore as a distended hernia. Sometimes, I accidentally brush against stuff (yeah, they are THAT BIG) and I feel like I’m about to pass out from the pain. Good thing there’s this amazing cream to the rescue. Now I can go on my merry way and pump away pain-free.

3. Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper (Mini)

No more getting out of bed at night

No more getting out of bed at night

Again, this is a recently discovered gem. It was originally meant to aid my breastfeeding (direct from the breast) endeavors but since that has gone horribly south, I still use it to make myself feel better. Either way, it’s nice to have the baby literally within arm’s reach but still in her own cot. During those middle of the night cries, I can reach out and pat her without having to get out of bed. Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I just prop myself on a pillow and look at her.

I also love that the mini version is small enough to hold her comfortably without blocking up the entire walkway. If not, I have to scoot over all the way to the foot of the bed in order to get up, which would eventually give me a hernia.

4. Jujube Diaper Bag

Bring everything you need in style

Bring everything you need in style

Going out with 2 kids is not funny. You will not believe the amount of stuff I need to bring on every outing – milk, diapers, clothes, wipes, bottles, pump, bibs, food, snacks… It takes us 2 hours in advance to pack in order to leave the house. The question is where does one put ALL THAT STUFF and be able to find them all in an instant. I could use a large-ass tote but I’d have to spend 5 minutes scrambling to search for Baby Bites or some wipes.

That’s where baby bags come to the rescue. It’s so thoughtfully crafted, with teflon coating, insulated bottle pockets, a scrunchy key chain holder and beautiful designs to boot. Everything is neatly compartmentalized so I don’t have to dig for stuff like I’m looting some swag bag.

5. Medela Pump-in-Style (with Pumpin’ Pals)

Double breasted pump

Double breasted pump

Technically not an item that I have right now because it costs $700 a pop. I knew I should have sold off that spare kidney. I’m using the PIS’s poorer cousin, the Medela Swing, which is only half as good. For mothers who are expressing exclusively, a double pump is the way to go as it cuts down the time by half. That’s 3 hours of spare time a day, 21 hours a week, 90 hours a month, you get the drift. I could complete an entire game of Final Fantasy in that time. Heck, I could invent a new baby item, sell a million pieces and get rich in that time.

The Pumpin’ Pals also come in handy as it leaves your hands free while expressing milk so you can cook, feed or bathe the baby all at the same time.

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