First of all, who am I to dictate parenting norms? The answer would be nobody, but I’m still going to dish out unsolicited parenting advice anyway because that always makes me feel much better about my Mondays and also, I am that kind of douchebag. Read on, I think you’ll feel better too. Unless you do these things then you’d probably want to stab me in the eye.
Sit back and here goes.
1. Smacking inanimate objects whenever your kid gets a boo boo.
We’ve all seen that before. Kid bumps his head on the table, parents rush to the scene of the crime and start smacking the living daylights out of the table. “Bad table, naughty table hurt my poor little baby“.
Um… what? That’s bizarre on so many levels because the table is an inanimate object and the only person feeling the pain is the smacker. Also, you’re teaching the kid that it’s ok to smack things/people that hurt you. Most of all, it just makes you look like a moron because the last time I saw a guy scolding inanimate objects, he was wearing a straightjacket.
2. Distracting your kid with a loosely-worded promise of something good.
I must admit, it’s a very effective way to prevent a meltdown, especially with a kid under the age of 4 (works best before cynicism kicks in). The moment they start to freak out, promise them a toy/candy/trip to the pool in the somewhat distant future. “Later, soon, next time” are all vague enough for parents to weasel out of when they demand for their reward. “Mommy said later and later means sometime from now till you turn 18“.
The key is to be specific enough with the object of desire while keeping the time frame vague. Only thing is, you can justify all you want but kids, they don’t know the difference and they’ll just think that you’re lying to them.
3. Being overly strict in public just to show how great a parent you are.
I’ve come to realize that kids have one mission in life, which is to embarrass you at the worst possible moments like during an important family day event with the boss or at a wedding when the bride is about to say “I do” or at a high school gathering where you’re trying to impress all those old schoolmates. You dress them up all spiffy, issue them strict warnings to behave and just when you are about to launch into a monologue about how cute the kids are, BAM, they smear chocolate all over themselves or throw a full-scale hissy fit. *Cue head shakes, disapproving looks and sniggers”
That’s when the parents grab the kid, brings them to a not-so-discreet corner, scolds them loud enough for everyone to hear and/or spanks them for good measure. Then say something along the lines of “why are you so naughty TODAY? You better behave yourself like you usually do.”
Also, that’s exactly why I don’t go for these sorts of events.
4. Make up weird euphemisms for body parts or words deemed socially unacceptable to say loudly in public.
Being Asian and all, we don’t say certain words out loud in public. Words like penis, vagina, breasts and sex are all generally frowned upon at social gatherings so just to be careful, we teach the kids words like pee-pee, wee-wee, ku-ku, shee-shee and basically any other double-word that rhymes with “ee”. Just in case they start shouting it out loud repeatedly (like my son is likely to do), you can just pretend they’re making some strange sound effect.
And when you think about it, if you don’t teach them the correct pronunciations for stuff, they’re going to embarrass themselves by calling it a “breest” (think beast with an R) or “penn-ees” instead of “pee-nus”.
5. Threatening them with scary uncles
When parents are unable to control their kids, they resort to bringing in third parties, especially scary looking ones who tend to look a little different. Some parents go as far as to pick out stern-looking “mang-ka-li” uncles to strike fear into the kids, thereby perpetuating racist stereotypes. Alternatively, men in uniform can be used, like “If you are so naughty, I’ll ask the policeman to catch you“. Even when there are no scary-looking uncles in the vicinity during the next meltdown, some have designated friends on speed dial to *scold* them.
From the start, our guiding principle is to treat the kids like we would want to be treated, which is not to lie to them or threaten them or embarrass them. I know that some parents advocate a rule of fear because kids need to be disciplined in order to behave but here’s my theory (no, not again!!).
By and large, they do want to be good and logical explanations should do the trick. At times, they get irritable, moody, upset, uncooperative and hissy fits kick in so that’s when we need to set boundaries to let them know they can’t do as they please just because they don’t feel good. Sometimes there’s a bit of screaming involved and it’s not pretty. But then again, nobody said parenting was pretty.
