coolest kids ever, how i pretend to be a cool mum

Arsenal signs promising new starlet

July 20, 2010

With the World Cup finally over, the spotlight is now on the big money transfers as clubs make their move for superstars to bolster their chance at silverware next season. I hear Liverpool fans are celebrating the capture of Joe Cole (aka tightpants) and Barcelona, they’ve added David Villa and Adriano to their scary list of big names.

On the home front, a little birdie tells me that Ferguson has his sights set on German captain Philip Lahm (nice!) to fill that problematic right back position. I am also still keeping my fingers crossed for Buffon, Ozil and Torres (just imagine a Rooney-Torres combo up front, oh sweet dreams are made of these)

Meanwhile, Arsenal, with Wenger’s ridiculous youth policy, are planning to lower their squad’s average age to 5. As a Mother, Inc exclusive, I’m pleased to announce their latest star signing, Truett Kao, who will be filling the boots of Barcelona-bound captain, Cesc Fabregas.

Thanks to my *contacts*, I’ve managed to score an interview with the hottest young thing in the footballing world.

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Mother, Inc: I think the biggest question on everyone’s minds right now is why Arsenal, when there are so many teams to choose from?

Truett: Jersey soft soft. Truett like red color.

Mother, Inc: I think you’re forgetting that Manchester United is a nicer shade of red, but I guess you can’t argue with the soft bit. So what do you think of the Fabregas debacle? You think he’s going to stay or go?

Truett: GO KAI KAI!! Let’s go feed the fish!

Mother, Inc: That’s a nice strong throw you got there. Is that part of your daily training regime? Any fancy footwork to share with your fans?

Truett: Truett kick the ball… GOALLLL COMEON!!!

Mother, Inc: Oh, that simple aye? So what else do you like to do when you’re not kicking a ball around or busy feeding fish?

Truett: Sit train! Mommy can go sit train please, please?

Mother, Inc: Why yes, yes we can. But just 2 rounds and you go back to doing laps. And we also have to work on your choice of teams, I think we can start with getting you the latest Manchester United jersey, its quite soft as well.

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kids inc, milestones & musings

A very pink affair

July 19, 2010

Yesterday was Kirsten’s first birthday bash and as first birthday bashes go, this went splendidly. The fact that we only sent out invites 3 days prior notwithstanding, we had all the ingredients necessary for a party – food, family, friends and cake. And also balloons, lots and lots of balloons. (thanks Kev and Anne!)

Baby girl wasn’t entirely sure what the commotion was all about, like “why are all these people making me wear stupid prickly hats, it’s making my ears itch eww eww eww.”

She’s in a no-headgear phase now and no amount of cajoling and bribery will make her put anything on her head. I try to make her wear these pretty headbands with giant flowers to draw attention away from her noticeably sparse hair and she yanks them off with a flourish every single time. The noggin is sacred, y’all.

And of course, miniature parties are never complete without miniature-sized friends, because it would just be a bunch of old fogeys rocking out to pink and purple balloons, which is just kind of creepy.


Tru was down with another bout of the flu, which left him pretty stoned the whole time but he was a real trooper, shuffling around distributing his precious collection of sesame street friends. Towards the end, he was all maxed out and he started telling everyone to go home like “Bye everyone, thank you for coming, see you soon, Truett very tired.” It was both very impressive and mortifying at the same time.

At first we thought of ordering one of those 3D cakes with castles and princess figurines but we figured that we will be having plenty of those soon enough, when the kids are old enough to want one. And since we have a weakness for this awesome home-baked chocolate-banana cake, we went and ordered a 2kg version, hoping that we would have leftovers for breakfast today but no, it was totally wiped out within minutes.

You know I don’t usually plug a lot of stuff here but this cake, you seriously want to try. Go check it out, she does the most wicked cakes ever, with the perfect combination of rich, chocolatey goodness without being an overkill. Sometimes, I plan events just to have an excuse to have more cake. And I’m not even kidding.

Best part was, both kids were so exhausted they went home and collapsed into bed at 7.30. Now that’s what I call a successful party.

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how i pretend to be a cool mum, lists you should paste on your fridge, motherhood, side effects of motherhood

One of those cheesy monologues you probably don’t want to paste on your fridge. And by *don’t* I really mean *do*

July 16, 2010

You know what’s the one thing that I’m terrified of the most? Besides my extensive list of completely rational fears like being attacked by lizards, buried alive (because there is no way in a million years that I can punch my way out like Uma Thurman) and having my kids abducted by a kidnapping syndicate in Mumbai.

I’m talking about top of the list here, numero uno. It’s being redundant.

In the days of my youthful idealism, I was exactly like you. I wanted to change the world. I was planning to end world hunger or become obscenely rich selling a ton of useless stuff to people who probably wouldn’t need them just because I was that brilliant. Either one would have worked for me – I wasn’t picky about the details.

The truth is, being a mom doesn’t make it into the list of glamorous professions. I don’t care what they say on those overly-priced Hallmark cards on Mothers’ Day, nobody’s dream job is to be a poop-cleaning, booger-digging, frazzled, batshitcrazy chick up to her elbows in human excretions. Make no mistake, motherhood is noble and to sacrifice your own dreams for the kids is all great but it kind of sucks that 30 years down the road, all you get is “Congrats, none of your 3 kids turned out to be Hitler. Good for you!”

And really, that terrifies me.

Knowing that I spent my best years cooking vegetables (that nobody wants to touch with a ten-foot pole), washing tiny onesies and cleaning up spilt cereal for the fifth time in a day. Alright, the kids will have a decent shot at a happy childhood and they may grow up to be Nobel prize-winning physicists, rockstars and Supreme Court judges, but then again, they may just as well end up as a struggling artist or a troubled delinquent.

So I’ll come out and say it. I don’t just want gratitude, it’s overrated. I want the kids to grow up knowing that their mom was brilliant, and not at folding laundry. I want them to be proud of me, to go to school and brag about how their mom wrote the new vampire series that outsold Stephenie Meyer. Something like that. I want them to know that there is no excuse for not going after their dreams, no matter how tough life gets.

I’m starting to think that being a mom doesn’t have to make you redundant. Its easy to get swamped by the responsibilities of having to care for tiny human beings and lose yourself in the process but come on, there’s got to be more than getting a pat on the back and a fugly Mothers’ Day card. (except yours, kids, they’re lovely)

Maybe we can still change the world. And even if I don’t, I will sure as hell try.

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