stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Clothes are not legitimate mucus wipers. Really, I shouldn’t have to clarify this.

October 6, 2010

It all started when Tru had a bit of the sniffles a while back. He had all this mucus streaming down his nose non-stop all day and I had to keep running back and forth to get more tissue, wipe his nose, throw it away, get a fresh piece, and then another and another.

I tried to conserve the tissue by reusing them but those that got stuffed into my pocket got all scrunched and clumpy and I ended up with this huge ball of soggy grossness which was way too gross to reuse. So then I tried leaving half-used pieces lying everywhere so I could grab one to reuse and the husband started yelling at me for living like a hobo and he didn’t listen when I told him that I was trying to save the earth so that was the end of that. I also tried using a hanky but they got soaked up too fast and I quickly ran out of dry corners to wipe his nose with.

So one time, when I got tired of hauling my ass up and down the house for more tissue, I grabbed the front of Tru’s tshirt and used it to wipe his dripping mucus. Just once. Which I now regret deeply because thanks to that one dumbass move, my son now thinks that clothes are legitimate mucus wipers. Which they are not.

Plus, I can’t even get all disgusted like “EWWWWW, where did you learn that filthy move from?” without being implicated in the process.

It doesn’t help that recently, his nose has been a little runny every time he wakes up from a nap. So his new routine involves running to me, grabbing my top and using it to wipe his nose. He also uses daddy’s shorts, grandma’s tops, Kirsten’s rompers and get this, FRESHLY FOLDED LAUNDRY to clean his mucus with.

I’ve been trying to re-indoctrinate him by making him use tissues instead but he’s all like “I’m not going to go ALL THE WAY to get a tissue when I can just use my shirt or this pretty tablecloth right here.”

You think as a parent, you can get away with stuff but kids are brutal. They magnify your flaws and take it to the next level so there’s not running away from it and you can’t even pretend like it’s not there.  It’s starting to get very embarrassing because I’m going to be known as the parent without a sense of personal hygiene.

I hope he hasn’t done it to anyone in school yet but let’s just say that I’m prepared for a chat with his teachers anytime now. If this continues, I’m going to have to go Clockwork Orange on him very soon. Relax, I’m only kidding.

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how i pretend to be a cool mum, lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Life is nothing like riding a bike.

October 5, 2010

With a photo like this, you’d think I’m going to write a motivational piece on how life is like riding a bike and something about getting up when we fall, which is remotely related to how winners are those who never quit. Stuff like that.

But then you probably came to the wrong blog because there is no such lesson to be learnt here.

This is a story about a girl who wanted to ride a bike but her legs were too short and she was grunting away, with beads of sweat trickling down her face, trying to muster all the energy from her little calfs but that bike wouldn’t even budge an inch. I was about to launch into one of my life lessons about not giving up but then she started shrieking because MOMMA WHY IS MY BIKE NOT MOVING? SOMEBODY PUSH ME AROUND NOW!!

So as I pushed her around while she pretended to pedal, I realized that it was I who had something to learn. The sort of secret lessons you only get to learn when you’re a parent.

1. Screaming does get you what you want.

Most of the time anyway. Even parents who start out thinking that they are not going to give in to their kid’s screams usually cave after 2 days with a newborn who does nothing but scream. After that, kids learn very quickly that every time they scream, there’s an 8% chance they will get ignored, 13% chance they will get the naughty corner and for the rest of the 79%, they get exactly what they want.

2. Even if you can’t do something, at least look like you can.

It’s called wayang, another important lesson we all need to learn. We’ll never be able to know how to do everything, but the key is to first look like we can. Then go ask someone to teach you, or better still, shout orders at them and make them do it for you. Bam, problem solved.

If you have difficulty making people do what you want, refer to lesson 1.

3. Life is nothing like riding a bike.

Not even close. Some days life is more like pulling a rickshaw barefoot on hot coals while getting beaten with a stick. But you can always hope that one day you’ll be the dude cruising along in your Maserati with the top down and the wind in your hair. The bad news is that you may not end up getting your Maserati dream but the good news is that you’re not going to be pulling the rickshaw forever so at some point we all just got to learn to chill and enjoy the ride.

It’s really not as profound as it sounds.

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Happee Day

You are all rockstars.

October 4, 2010

Ok, y’all, thanks for the overwhelming response, the support for Happee Day has been really incredible. Thanks for all the messages, the emails, the Facebook posts, the retweets, the blog posts, the widget posts. I just need to say that it’s an honor to be planning this event with all of you. You guys are rockstars. Seriously.

First, a shout out to all the sponsors and partners who have agreed to volunteer their services for the event. These folks are the best at what they do and they have offered to contribute their talents to put together a day of fun for the children with cancer.

Which means that they are not only talented, they’ve got heart.

1. Hort Park, who are sponsoring the venue. They’ve agreed to let us use the Multi Purpose Hall as well as the Lawn for the 3 hours on the 31st.

2. JQ Ong (jq_ong[at]yahoo[dot]com), who did the artwork for the invite as well as the widget. He will be in charge of art direction and making the look place as happy as possible. Also, he’s a really badass interior designer so if your house needs designing, he’s the guy you should look for.

3. Calvin the Mage, who is our balloon sculptor for the day.  This guy is like Michelangelo, except instead of marble he uses balloons. For real, y’all. His event company is the perfect one-stop shop for all your party-planning needs.

4. Host extraordinaire Bernard Loh, who will be emceeing for the event. See, anyone can hold a mic and get up on stage but few can really deliver. All I can say is Bernard Loh can really deliver.

5. Global Mascot, who are sending over a couple of mascots. This is kind of a secret but I hear Ironman will be making an appearance. I am very excite.

6. Photographer Sean Lee, who volunteered to do a professional outdoor shoot for the families. Also, major props to Hendra, Leonny, Bing and Jus who are all trying to make arrangements to be there. I think we won’t have a shortage of awesome photographers coming down.

We are still in talks with several other folks who are keen to be part of this event, like face painters, magicians, gaming consoles, caricaturists, food artists and caterers. We still have a couple of booths to be filled so if you have any ideas and contacts, let me know. We want to make it as fun for the kids as possible.

Also, thanks to all of you who’ve made plans to be there as a volunteer. If you’re able to make it, RSVP with details (like names, contact numbers and how many people will be coming) so we can arrange for the food catering. Please bring along your husbands (1 each), wives (also 1 each), kids (as many as you want), friends (as many as you want). I’m sorry that pets are a no-go due to certain restrictions. Also, some of the kids may be terrified of dogs and we wouldn’t want them to freak out.

If you have a preference on what you would like to help out with, we’ll arrange for that, but if not, we’ll get in touch with you on how you can help once the booths are all firmed up. As a rule of thumb, we’ll assign those without babies to do the heavy duty stuff like booth-manning while the families with kids can do the meet and greet.

Just a note on personal donations. Some of you have kindly offered to contribute actual money to the event but that’s a little tricky because I don’t want to spend time in jail for misappropriating funds. So let’s do it this way. I’m working to get most of the stuff sponsored by the experts so we won’t be paying for the venue or the booths. There are however, some items that do need to be paid for, like the busing for the 30 kids to and from Newton MRT so if you’re keen to donate to the event, it would be better if you could adopt some of these items. That way, you get the invoice for the stuff you’re paying for and my kids don’t have to visit me in prison.

I’ll update you guys with more details along the way. Let’s make it a good one for the kids.

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