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There’s a reason why they’re called privates

October 3, 2011

We’ve recently had to start teaching the kids about the importance of keeping their special private areas special. You’d think that this was one of those easier lessons to teach because it’s so straightforward, like just don’t wave your penis around in public and that’s all there is to it. Not exactly rocket science.

In reality, it’s a little more complicated than that. I think this is largely due to the fact that kids have nudist tendencies. Maybe it’s the freedom not wearing clothes symbolizes or just how nice and airy it is to let everything all hang out. Mostly the second one. Especially with the kind of humid weather we have, there’s no real need to wear any clothes if modesty wasn’t an issue.

For a long time, we had to play catch-the-naked-baby game before and after every shower. Ok, who am I kidding? We still do it all the time. When it’s shower time, they will start stripping down and the moment the last article of clothing comes off, they take off and start streaking around the living room. They do it after the shower too, which makes the game even more difficult because then they’re all wet and slippery. And throughout the day, they think it’s funny to randomly strip and run around.

At this point, we’re still fine with them being naked for extended periods at home but I realize that people aren’t quite as fine with them being naked in public. One time, Kirsten got bored when we were out shopping and started to take off her clothes. Obviously, a lot of scrambling ensued.

So anyway, we’re teaching them that certain body parts can’t be exposed in public and to really drill home the message, we hold quizzes for them regularly.

Me: Kids, can you show people your backside?

Kids: No, cannot.

Me: How about your ears?

Kids: Yes, ears can.

Me: Armpits?

Kids: Yes.

Me: Penis?

Tru: Cannot show people my penis.

Me: Very good. Kirsten, same goes for your vagina – cannot show ok. How about nipples?

Kids: No.

Me: Ok, technically, Truett, yours can but Kirsten’s nipples cannot.

Tru: But Truett and mei mei’s nipples same. Same nipples.

Me: Excellent observation. Yeah, I know it’s confusing but you’re a boy and nobody wants to see your nipples. At some point, mei mei’s nipples are going to look very different and lots of people are going to want to see that so it’s better to keep the mystery intact.

Tru: People want to see mei mei’s nipples?

Kel: Um babe, you should really stop explaining. You’re making it worse.

Me: OH LOOK KIDS, FLOWERS! You guys want to pick a flower for grandma?

Well, let’s just say that I’m not looking forward to giving the sex education talk or the where-do-babies-come-from talk. That’s going to be fun.

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A matter of perspective

September 30, 2011

PART THE FIRST: JAIL TIME

Truett: What’s that, momma, what’s that?

Me: It’s a bird cage, son. To keep birds so they don’t fly away.

Tru: No, it’s not a bird cage. It’s a jail. When Mickey Mouse is never listen to mommy, he will go to jail.

PART THE SECOND: WAIT, YOU’RE ACTUALLY LISTENING TO ME

You know how it is when you have kids. Most of the time when you tell them to do something, you don’t expect them to actually do it. Like when I have to say “NO” to that scoop of ice cream when they’re nursing a cold and I know that no amount of explaining will prevent the impending meltdown. But I still take the time to explain it rationally like they understand anyway. 9 out of 10 times it’s a futile endeavor.

But then there’s that one time when it works and they actually listen.

Truett is still as resistant to school as ever. Especially after our trip to Melbourne, he seems to have regressed and every morning, he’ll get very upset on the way to school. Then yesterday while he was coming up with various maladies to avoid going to school, I tried explaining that it was Gymnastics Thursday, his favorite day YAY WE”RE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN DOING SOMERSAULTS WOOT! He pondered a moment then nodded his head and said “ok, I will go to school.”

And I was all “GYMNASTICS IS AWESOME YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE…wait, did you just say ok? That’s it? No tantrums or tears? You mean I don’t have to juggle or do cartwheels to distract you from screaming? Just talking actually works? That’s new. Very well, um, great.

PART THE THIRD: RULES? WHAT RULES?

The frustrating thing about playing with kids is that they don’t have any rules. But the great thing about playing with kids is also that they don’t have any rules.

Blame it on my lack of creativity but when I make a head, there’s got to be a specified number of eyes and ears and mouth, even if that head belongs to a potato.

When it was their turn to make the head, they came up with this.

Which is genius actually because what do you know, a potato does have a lot of eyes.

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If the world ever needs a supreme emperor princess, I got one right here

September 28, 2011

I suspect deep down inside, Kirsten thinks that she’s the supreme emperor princess of the universe. Not the kind that just sits around having grapes fed to her but the really hands on sort. The sort that tells everyone exactly what they should be doing and how they should be doing it.

I don’t know where she got it from (certainly not me) but it is apparent that this girl of mine loves to get her bossy on. And it’s so much more effective because she looks so small and unassuming but then BAM, she unleashes her boss attack.

People usually don’t believe it until they see her in action.

Tru: Mommy can we go to the playground?

Kirsten: CANNOT! Kor kor you cannot go playground ok!

Tru: I’m talking to mommy. Mommy can we go playground?

Kirsten: *sighs heavily* Haiyah, ok fine fine fine. Come I bring you to the playground.

***

Kirsten: Duck duck, come here!

Kirsten: Duck duck, where are you? I said COME HERE!

Me: Sweetie, you have to go find your duck, she can’t *come here*.

Kirsten: Duck duck, you are very naughty, I angry you. ANGRY.

***

Tru: Mei mei, you want a gummy?

Kirsten: No, not now. After your dinner then you can eat gummy.

Tru: Can, we can eat one gummy now then after dinner we can have some more.

Kirsten: You listen to me, I said only after dinner. If not you go naughty corner.

***

Kirsten: Daddy, I want milk.

Me: Ok, I’ll make milk for you.

Kirsten: No you cannot make. Daddy must make.

Me: What do you mean I cannot make? I can make your milk anytime I want.

Kirsten: Mommy you cannot make my milk, you need to hug me.

Me: Nice move, young lady. Very smooth. Fine, I will hug you but only because I want to.

***

Occasionally, she even bosses herself around, which was slightly alarming when it first happened but then I realized that I used to talk to myself all the time so I guess this sort of behavior is fairly normal for my kid.

Kirsten: Can I blow bubbles?

Kirsten (alter ego): Saturday you can go. You want to go on Saturday, yes?

Kirsten: Yes, Saturday we can go.

Me: Ok great, it’s like I don’t even have to talk anymore.

***

PS. I’m giving away one Let’s Rock! Elmo toy on the Mother, Inc Facebook page. This is one badass rockin’ Elmo that you want to get for your kid (or yourself), so head on over to join.

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