“I need space,” he said as he gently shoved me aside with the back of his little hand, eyes still glued to the TV.
This was new. He’s needed a lot of things in the past almost 4 years but space has never been one of them. I didn’t even know that he knew what space was, much less needed it. Even when he was watching TV, he’d want me to sit next to him with my laptop just so I could be close by. He would smile and let me tousle his hair or play with his toes or smother him with kisses. He’d even reach out to hold my hand every so often.
“I’m not taking away your space, I just wanted to give you a small kiss.”
“Not now. Later when I’m done, ok?” Still not even throwing me a glance.
“Would you like me to sit with you while you watch?”
“No need. You go out to do your work. Go, go, go.”
“Fine, but just one kiss before I go? When you were a baby, you used to let me kiss you anytime I wanted, remember.”
He finally looked up for a brief moment. I thought he would reach in for a quick kiss but he didn’t.
“I’m not a baby anymore, I’m a big boy.”
So he was. He used to need me but now he needs space. Away from me.
I knew this day would come and I remember telling myself that when it happened, I’d let him take the lead in pulling away. I’d hang around in the distance just close enough that when he needed me, I could come sprinting back. I’d give him the space he needed for as long as he needed it. I’d learn to be ok with it.
***
“I want you to sit with me.”
I checked the clock and it was barely 15 minutes since he chased me out of the room. I was doing a victory fist pump in my head but I played it cool.
“You’re done with TV? You want mommy to spend time with you now?”
He nodded.
“Sure, sweetheart, anytime.”
Today, it was just 15 minutes of space that he needed and I felt like I was losing my baby. Maybe I was overreacting. I usually look forward to the pockets of time I could steal to check my emails or get some work done but I guess the difference was that I always did it on my terms, knowing that they still needed me.
How do moms do this? Let go, I mean. One day they’re helpless and needy and clingy and I turn my entire world upside down to be there for them. Then just when I’m used to being needed, they decide to grow up. Next thing I know, they’ll be running off with friends, hiding secrets, blocking me on Facebook and having all kinds of crazy adventures without me.
I should probably just enjoy it while it lasts. That and have more babies.
