Walk on

Some days, this is exactly how I feel. Like the kitten, not the legs, I mean. Although the legs are pretty much indicative of the monotony of my life most of the time. But on days like today, I feel like my little feline friend, except I’m also dragging 2 even smaller kittens along with me.

I honestly thought I had come out from the dark and twisty broken phase. The days of sudden and uncontrollable crying, where I’m all alone in the world and I can’t breathe and I’m drowning and everything is messed up. I try screaming for help but nothing comes out and I just want to crawl under the sink and hide even though it smells like rotting drain crap.

I’ve never actually been diagnosed with depression before, and the two times I came anywhere close to it was right after giving birth to my two kids. After Tru, I pretty much sauntered out of it about 4 weeks postpartum, after I decided to take refuge at my mom’s place instead of going it alone. I must say, having people around helps as a distraction and because I don’t cry in front of people. (the husband says I’ve got a heart of stone, but it’s mostly because deep down inside, I’m afraid once I start, I’ll be blubbering for hours) So I’m pretty good at holding it all in when there’s company. I’m cool like that.

After Kirsten, it’s been more of a dance with the depression. My head is flirting with it, and I still haven’t been able to shake it off completely. On bad days, I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach that doesn’t go away no matter what I do. And it’s been 12 weeks now. There’s the crying, and the edginess and the generally short fuse, which usually ends up with the guilt and the self pity.

I’ve done some research and it sounds like textbook postnatal depression. It’s probably a combination of factors, like the breastfeeding, (yes, I still feel like I took a hit to the gut every time I express milk and that’s 6 solid punches in a day) the sleep deprivation (thanks to the breastfeeding), the solitary confinement with 2 kids and the truckload of pressure I put on myself to be on top of my game every. single. day.

I actually seriously considered some medication to help with the depression. Seems like a simple and fuss-free way to deal. And from what I hear, it actually works. Makes you all light and floaty, without a care in the world. What wouldn’t I give to be on cloud nine right about now. But the only thing holding me back is the knowledge that once I start with the meds, it’s a long and slippery slope downhill. It’s a pandora’s box I don’t want opened just yet. At least not until I’m well and truly off my rocker.

So far, I’ve been taking each day as it comes and it does seem like its getting better. The depression hits less often now and with less intensity. I can sometimes go 4-5 days without losing my shit so I guess that’s a good sign. But just when I think I’m ok and life is good, I lose it again. Especially on days like today where BOTH kids are down with a flu and it’s Tuesday and I’m stoned out of my mind from the lack of sleep.

And all I can do when I’m in the dark and twisty phase? Just walk on.