The *terrible* twos

I always thought the terrible twos started at two and it wasn’t just because some guy was trying to think of a number that started with ‘T”. Because it’s supposed to leave me with another seven months before I have a little monster on my hands. But apparently that bubble has burst for me. My 17-month-old has entered the phase commonly known as the terrible twos.

I used to look at toddlers throwing magnificent tantrums in malls and tsk tsk at the mothers who clearly have no control over their heinous spawn. There’d be screaming, kicking, flailing limbs, headbanging and curious stares from onlookers complete with looks of pity. Sometimes there would even be whispering and finger pointing as the frazzled mother tries to pry her kid off the floor with a spatula.

Naturally, I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. The parenting authorities all have different advice on how to deal with it. Leave them to scream it out, bring them home immediately, give them the spanking of their lives, bribe them with candy, distract them or just cave and give them whatever they wanted in the first place. Frankly, none of the above options sound like any fun. Plus, I’m not the caving-in sort.

In any case, I thought I had some time before I had to deal with it, so I kinda just left it in the back burner for a while to contemplate the intricacies of disciplining a monster. I thought I’d still have several months of the one-derful ones (see, I can do alliteration too).

Last week, we brought Tru to the airport to pick up my sister who was away having foie gras in Paris. It was supposed to be a grab-and-go thing, but it turned out to be a friggin’ nightmare on elm street – a 30-min nonstop screamfest. And it would be fine if it was just a one-off blip in the chart, but according to the experts, it’s more like a foreshadowing of things to come. Like I’m supposed to be prepared for this kinda thing. Hell, no.

Anyway, Tru’s been fascinated with fountains, basically anything that squirts water is like GOD’S GIFT TO MANKIND for him and he will watch in wonder and clap his hands and go “WOWWWW” (which is so cute). But then he’ll want to go near it and grab the water and make a colossal mess (which is fine at the pool but not fine anywhere else). At the airport, it’s only see no touch but that concept is foreign to him. When I told him he wasn’t supposed to touch it, he started whining, so I grabbed him and ran (literally) and he broke out into a full scale hissy fit.

He was screaming at the top of his lungs and started flailing wildly. Nothing I did could make him stop. I tried distracting him with every possible object I could find (including my iPhone which is usually off-limits) but nuh-uh. I had become one of those mothers with a brat of a kid screaming his head off in a public place. Pretty soon, EVERYONE was staring and whispering and I felt like the absolute worst mother on the face of the planet. I would have grabbed him and gone straight home but my sister’s flight was delayed and I just had to improvise.

I brought him to a corner and held him (flying mucus and all) and just let him vent his frustration. The episode lasted almost 30 minutes and thats a *very long time* to hold a screaming kid while strangers stared at me. I did think of losing it and screaming as well just to give those prying eyes a proper show. You know, to make it really worth their while. Except that my mom was right beside me and she would probably have given me the spanking of my life.

I’m usually thrilled when Tru is advanced for his age but this time, not so much. The terrible twos are upon me and there’s no turning back now. All I can say is I hope Tru grows out of it before Kirsten gets there. I can’t possibly deal with two terrible twos all at the same time.