Stuff you can’t do once you pop a baby

I haven’t done lists in a while so today’s list will be on the things you can’t do once you pop a child.

Ok, that’s a bit of an overstatement. You can probably still do them once in a really long while when the stars align and unicorns shimmy to the tunes of “What a Wonderful World” outside your bedroom window.

But we all know these sorts of days are rare, to say the least. And if you’re expecting to do them with the regularity and panache that you used to pre-baby, you’re in for a rude awakening. Let’s jut say that after being a parent for 3 years, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to take a leisurely shower without being yelled at to “COME HERE NOW MOMMY!”

Here’s my list of things I can no longer do after having babies.

1. Eat ice cream without sharing. 

The husband and I have a rule. We share pretty much everything except Starbucks toffee nut latte and ice cream. Yes, we can share dreams and jokes and a bank account, but not ice cream. The kids, unfortunately, have no regard for my ice cream rule. They alternate between looking at it longingly with those bambi eyes and going “please, mommy, please, you need to share”.

And even when I sneak a spoon of ice cream hiding in the dark, they sniff it out and come running.

2. Be anywhere in 7 minutes. 

That’s how long it used to take me to get out of the house. – 7 minutes flat. That includes bathing, changing and basic make up. With kids, it’s a physical impossibility because their dictionary does not contain the 2 words “HURRY UP”. We need a lead time of at least 45 minutes, and even that’s cutting it close.

3. Buy anything without thinking in terms of how much milk, food and shoes it’s worth. 

I see a gorgeous pair of jeans and I immediately think of how many tins of milk that’s going to cost. A pair of G-Star is 5 tins, a pair of F21 is 3 tins and the tights from the market is 1/2 a tin.

4. Rain curses on horrible, horrible drivers. 

I have since watered down my elaborate curses to a very harmless “UNCLE/AH SOH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? KNOW HOW TO DRIVE OR NOT??” Now every time I am forced to slam the brakes or swerve to avoid an accident, the kids throw out their hands and recite that line in unison and with much gusto.

5. Do the naughty naughty in the kitchen. Or the sofa. Or basically anywhere at all. 

These kids are like the sex police. One time, we thought we had some alone time for a quick kiss and Kirsten walked right up to us and asked “Mommy what are you doing? You cannot kiss, I want kiss!!” Truett, on the other hand, will just peer at us intently and that’s possibly even more disturbing.

6. Imagine my life without them. 

Ditto.

What’s in your list?

Update: The results the MLM giveaway are out! Congrats to Adeline, you’ve got a lovely new outfit coming your way!