Love changes everything

That was the theme of my wedding. Yes, I’m the kind of pretentious douche that has a theme for her wedding. Well, it was more like a catchphrase that epitomized our entire relationship. Which we stole from Climie Fisher.

3 and a half years into the marriage, I’m only starting to realize how true that actually is. I figured I should write about love after marriage because people don’t really talk it. According to Hollywood, the thrill is in the chase and getting married is like the happily every after, the end of the story. *fade to black, roll credits* But everyone who has every been married will tell you that that’s completely ridiculous. Everything changes once you get married.

Cliched as it is, it’s far easier to date someone than to marry them. First of all, there’s the uncertainty, which is fun and exciting. She loves me, she hates me, she’s crazy about me,  I’m sure she thinks I’m a moron. Then there’s the public declarations of love, what I call the grand gestures. You get up on a chair and tell the whole school how much you love her, you blow a whole week’s allowance on a hundred red roses, you stay up all night writing his name on your journal and circling it with little hearts. When you’re dating, you can be the best version of you because you get to go home and take off all that makeup and not have them see you looking like Leticia.

After the wedding, there’s just no room to be the original version of you (the one that’s occasionally crabby for no reason, the one that leaves dishes in the sink, the one that’s insecure and snappy) without losing the magic. For the first time, you look at the other person and go “OMG did you just do that??!!”.

And the monotony sets in. You have the same routine everyday for 10 years. It’s impossible to do the grand gestures everyday, so you eventually stop doing it because they’re supposed to know how you feel about them anyway. You stand up on a table to declare your love once and it’s romantic. Twice and it’s still kind of sweet. Anything more than three times and you’re like “Ok already, I get the picture.” You blow your entire month’s salary on jewelry and you get blasted for being impractical.

So it’s down to the little things. The things that you do everyday but don’t get the overflow of appreciation for. You wake up early every morning to feed the kids. You let him listen to his favorite track on the CD even though you’ve heard it 25,000 times and are not entirely fond of it in the first place. You pick up the laundry and do the dishes so her hands don’t get all calloused. You clear the hairball in the drain. You give the other person space to act up when they’ve had a bad day. Even though it’s gross and tiring and you don’t always get a “thanks honey, you’re awesome”.

With kids, it gets even tougher because after all that effort it takes to care for a tiny human, you don’t have a lot left over for the big human. Or to shower or pee, for that matter. Date night is the 3 hours you get after you put the kids at grandma’s and rush out for a movie and a quick bite once every couple of weeks. That’s not a lot of time to stare into each other’s eyes and whisper sweet nothings. Whoopee night is the 30 minutes you get after date night to…ok too much information.

Being married with kids isn’t always sweet and romantic, so I can see why Hollywood doesn’t really talk about it. It’s often tiring, monotonous, unglamorous and you get to irritate the hell out of each other. But in return, you get to know that they really do mean it when they say they love you because for them to stick around through all of it, they’ve got to love you an awful lot.