How to make your kids do what you say

When you have a newborn who ignores everything that you say, you don’t mind making scrunchy faces and goochie-goo sounds at your adorable little snookums all day. “Oooh smile for momma, princess cupcake snuggly pants…so cute, you’re putting your fist in your tiny mouth you’re going to be such a genius…” and so on.

When you have a toddler who ignores everything that you say for the 15,000th time, you want to hang him upside down on a meat hook (only through his pants, aight?) and make high-pitched shrieking noises that shatter your living room windows. “NOOOOOOOO, DON’T DUNK MY IPHONE IN THE TOILET BOWL, THAT’S THE THIRD TIME!!!!”

Now the trick is to make them listen before you get to the point where you are in danger of losing your marbles. I’ve realized that using words of varying decibles can only do so much and there comes a time where other more effective methods must be employed, which will not only reduce the strain on your vocal chords but also make life a lot more enjoyable.

1. Create plausible imaginary scenarios of undesirable outcomes.

At one point, Truett developed the nasty habit of putting gummies in his mouth and taking them out to examine after coating it with a thick layer of saliva, followed up by smearing his sticky fingers all over my person/clothes/furniture. I was turning into a broken record of “Stop taking out your gummy or I will take it away”, which was as effective as not saying anything at all.

Short of not giving him any more gummies, I found a live ant, put it on his hand and told him that he will be bitten by ants if he takes out his gummies again. Following a major freak out session of the “I don’t want ants to bite me” variety, now all I need to do is say ants whenever he so much as thinks of taking out his gummy. Bam, problem solved. For bigger kids, you can use cockroaches, lizards or spiders.

*To the argument that it is effectively lying to the kids and inculcating unnecessary phobias, I’d say that in view of having my person/clothes/furniture face an imminent threat of ant infestation, it is both true and *entirely* necessary.

2. Create friendly competition with awesome prizes that they will want to give both their kidneys and a lung for.

Take mealtimes for example. If you have kids who prefer to stir their food, keep it in their mouths for hours, spit it out and fling it around regardless of how many times you tell them to finish their food, you want to encourage some competition. Get a prize like a lollipop covered in chocolate and drizzled with caramel sauce for the one who finishes first. Then sit back and watch them eat brocoli with alarming speed and without the usual accompanying puke faces.

If you have one kid consistently winning all the prizes, level the playing field a little and give him 5 extra celery sticks, like a handicap. You want both kids to have a fair chance of winning.

3. Play the wild card every once in a while to keep them on their toes.

If you find yourself nagging at them to pick up their toys for the 42nd time in a day, chances are they’re blocking out whatever you’re saying with a skill called selective listening. In order to make them practice HOLISTIC listening, you have to completely lose your cool when they least expect it. So at the 43rd time of nagging, you start grabbing your hair and flailing your arms while screeching “PICK UP YOUR TOYS NOW, if I have to say one more time…” Then calmly smile and leave the room.

The difference between this and really losing it is that this is a preemptive strike and you’re still in control. Also, it’s very cathartic so you don’t get pushed over the edge.