I know I’m going to incur the wrath of bird lovers out there, but I’m going to say it anyway. I HATE BIRDS, THEY’RE EVIL AND MEAN AND DESERVE TO BE EATEN. I suppose some birds are ok, like chickens, which are juicy and succulent and taste good fried. But most birds are evil. They’ve got sharp beaks and beady eyes (that look like they’re mocking you all the time) and flappy feathers. Worst of all, they steal food and crap all over the place.
I’ve never been particularly fond of birds, but we’ve got this mutual understanding that we’ll keep to our own territories and maintain a truce. They agree not to crap on my head and in return, I won’t poison them with arsenic and rip off their bony legs one by one. But recently, they’ve broken the treaty and now it’s time for war.
Ever since I moved in to my new place, they’ve made it a daily routine to perch their evil asses outside my kitchen window squawking away making a nuisance of themselves. Then they got bolder and started stealing leftover food. And if that wasn’t enough, they’ve been leaving little piles of poop on my stove, table and sink. Now on top of cleaning my kid’s poop, I’ve got to clean bird poop as well.
So this morning, I was cooking Tru’s lunch and this bird flew in right under my nose to try to steal his food. The shock from the sneak attack led to a muscle spasm and I ended up flicking up a whole ladle of boiling porridge right onto my arm. I think subconsciously, I was aiming it at the bird, but somehow it landed on my hand and cooked it, so now it’s all red and swollen.
The bird must have thought it was hilarious, because after that, it was sitting outside my window squawking its head off.
Like I said, I hate birds. They deserve to die. I’ve tried putting stuff at the window to scare them away but they’re way to smart for that. I’ve also set booby traps like poisoned food to kill them, but so far, it’s not working. And it’s driving me insane.
Seriously, if you know of a way to get rid of the birds, do me a favor and let me know. I promise I’ll make it quick and painless and I’ll also try not to relish every moment of it.
8 Comments
Fake Owls hanging sometime works. Cats may help….bird blast grenades from a shotgun and paint ball guns should help.
@serline, Um, you’re not kidding, right? (about the bird blast grenades & paint ball guns). Any recommendations as to where i can get them? I can’t have those birds carrying Kirsten off to sacrifice to Queen Mother Bird somewhere.
Close the kitchen windows so that the birds can’t fly in?
This is what I think…
Hi,
I have pigeons haunting me too. I use water spray, those used to spray plants. I turned the nob to spray water straight! And placed it at the ledge. Whenever the pigeons are cooing at my ledge, I spray at them. The jolt of spraying water frightens them. After several times of spraying, my nightmare is over. I made the effort to frighten them first before they frighten me. :)
[…] 2. A sharp protest to scare birds away from the kitchen. […]
[…] doing a lot of nesting lately, so much so that I feel like a bird. Which is saying a lot because you all know how much I hate birds. They’re pesky and squawky and poop everywhere but one thing’s for certain – our […]
I did some research for you. There are several choices!!
http://www.gooddeals.com/news/77/Get-Rid-of-Birds-Or-Safe-and-Humane-Methods-of-Bird-Control.aspx
Pigeons are a difficult bird to get rid of because they are persistent pests and their populations in urban areas are usually quite numerous. If you live in a rural area, pigeon control is quite simple: shoot them. If you live in an urban area, the chances of you being arrested after shooting a gun outdoors are high. Your first line of urban defense against pigeons are mechanical perch repellents—those sharp wires and needles that you see on the ledges and roofs of many state institutions.
Avidices are what we call bird poison. However, their use has been heavily restricted by law because of the chances that you’ll end up killing a lot of species besides the birds you are attempting to control.
If the problem is bad enough a “squack box” may be an answer. It has the sounds of birds of prey & some in “distress”. Bird-X’s BirdXPeller PRO had solved problems like this, so you may want to give it a try. BirdXPeller PRO is a species-specific bird repeller that features birds distress calls to repel birds.