How sad is this sad baby?

Finn’s been having a hard time adjusting back to preschool after 3 weeks away (2 weeks in Melbourne and 1 week on sick leave).

He’s usually such a happy waker upper but now, every morning, the first thing he asks when he opens his eyes  is “Do I have school today?” And when the answer is “Yes, baby“, his little eyes will slowly fill up with tears, then he’ll flop his head onto the pillow all melodrama like and sob these great big sad sobs. He’ll tear up again while putting on his uniform, or eating breakfast, and when it’s finally time to go, he’ll put on his shoes reluctantly, trying to hold back the tears. It’s just the saddest thing.

While driving him to school a few days ago, he started crying really bad so I pulled over and just held him on my lap for several minutes. Finally, he stopped and asked, “Is it I cannot cry because I’m a big boy? I think I don’t want to be a big boy. I want to be a small boy because I’m sad.”

I usually don’t tell the kids not to cry because it’s ok to cry. It’s a healthy expression of sadness. I cry all the time when I’m sad and sometimes, crying is good. I always feel much better after a good cry. Exhausted, but better.

So I told him that big boys cried too, and that I’d be here for him until he feels better.

“I don’t feel better, mom,” he said.

“Is there anything mommy can do to cheer you up? Would you like to watch something on the phone?”

“No thanks.” This is serious. He must be really sad to refuse the iphone.

“Maybe we just need more time. I think you’ll feel better after a few more days and you’ll get used to being back at school again. How about I just hug you for a bit before we go to school?”

“Ok,” he nodded, looking at me with his puffy eyes.

“Sometimes I don’t need you but sometimes I need you,” he added quietly, after a while.

That got me. I’m still coming to terms with having 2 big kids who mostly don’t need me anymore and I’m in mild denial about this, but it does feel like they’re slipping out of my hands. They’ve got friends and school and activities that they don’t need me for so I’m figuring out how to just watch the from the sidelines. That’s the hardest part about being a mom – letting them go. Right now, I’m not quite ready to let go of any of my babies just yet.

“Can I tell you a secret? I’m happy when you need me, y’know? Because I need you too, Finn.”