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the breast things in life are free

the breast things in life are free

Park and Ride

When Truett woke up on Saturday morning, the first question he asked was “What day is it today?”

“It’s Saturday,” I said without opening my eyes. “And on Saturdays Mommy gets to sleep in ok.”

“SATURDAY?? YAY YAYYY YAYYYYYYY there’s no school today let’s go to the park!” he yelled as he jumped around the room, making a royal din.

By this time, Kirsten had woken up and was joining in the celebrations.

“No park…tired…need sleep…” I said as I pulled the pillow over my head.

“Ok, I will kiss you then you need to wake up.”

Oh, they were good and they knew this story was ending with us going to the park one way or another.

The kids have different favorite activities at the park. Tru prefers to zip around on his Strider, showing off his moves on the slopes. When I asked for a photo, he insisted on taking one beside his precious bike.

In a couple of years, he’ll be doing stunts on his BMX (do people still ride BMX bikes these days?). How did my baby get so big so fast?

Kirsten has 2 favorite activities. The first is making daddy swipe the sand from between her toes. Every few steps, she stops and yells “Daddy there’s sand in my toes. You need to clean for me.”

She knows to ask for daddy because I’m all “it’s fine, just keep walking, we’ll clean it when we’re done ok.” While daddy is all “ok sit down, daddy will help you.”

Her other favorite thing? The swings. Which daddy has to push, obviously.

Or sometimes we get Tru to do it because it’s one of those things big brothers have to learn how to do. Once he pushed her right off the swing and she got really mad but he’s getting really good now.

the breast things in life are free

Sick ‘N Slide

The kids have been nursing a viral infection the past couple of days and having them at home all day has been keeping me very busy indeed.

To be fair, they’ve been really good considering that they’re both ill and have every right to be cranky, but you know how when they’re at home, you need to be engaged every minute of the day.

“Mommy play with me!” “Mommy, I’m the doctor, I need to operate on your leg.” “Mommy I want I want I want…”

Days like these, I really appreciate the 3 hours they spend in school harassing other children instead of me. You want to fake slice up somebody’s leg, go find a friend. Take turns to be the cadaver or something.

Anyway, they were feeling much better yesterday afternoon, so we all went downstairs for some much-needed fresh air. It’s incredible how they can be all listless and sluggish at home all day but once they hit the playground, they’re miraculously healed and suddenly spritely.

They even had the energy to do a bit of pole dancing at the fitness centre. Speaking of energy, this Kirsten some serious upper body strength. She can hang on the monkey bars much longer than Tru can, which is a surprise because Tru’s the muscular one and she’s somewhat softer around the edges.

They also discovered a new way of going down the slides.

They did this at least 20 times, giggling and shrieking every single time. Happy times.

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Life’s a beach

There are few things in life that are more therapeutic than to feel the soft sand between your toes as the gentle waves sweep across your ankles.

Maybe except watching your kids do it and seeing that hesitant smile turn into a grin of delight.

Or maybe perching them on a tree on a lazy afternoon and resist the urge to sing “Truett and Kirsten sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N…” because it’s wrong on so many levels. Ok, I won’t even go there.

Or maybe building a sand dune together because it doesn’t feel as upsetting when they stomp on it for the 27th time in one afternoon. Stomp away, kids, I did not spend 30 minutes attempting to make a castle with my bare hands.

Or maybe watching my girl spontaneously break into an interpretive dance when a group of boys behind started playing Gym Class Heroes’ Stereo Hearts.

Or just sitting back with the husband, thinking that it really doesn’t have to take a lot for life to be pretty darn awesome.

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The Vector Face – Oh yeah!

Recently, the kids have been watching a lot of Despicable Me. There’s this evil villain called Vector, who’s like the most annoyingly useless villain in the world, exactly the sort I like. And Jason Segel (Marshall from HIMYM) was the perfect voiceover for the character – equal parts annoying and likable.

In fact, the kids like him so much they’ve made up a game called the Vector Face. Ok back up a little. First, this is the Vector face. They go into hysterical giggling fits whenever it reaches this scene.

So the game works like this. We take turns to randomly shout “VECTOR FACE” throughout the day and everyone has to do this.

Did I mention that I’m the one who gets the most fun out of this whole exercise? When they’re fighting over toys or throwing a hissy fit, I go “VECTOR FACE” and bam, problem solved. Let’s see how long this lasts.

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My 2-and-a-half-year-old is the best medicine

I’m down with a terrible flu infection and heavily medicated but I’m still lucid enough to write this down before I go take a nap. Last night, I threw up the entire contents of my dinner after a terrible coughing fit. The kids came running to the toilet looking very concerned because they’ve never seen momma this sick before.

On the way home in the car, Tru turned to me and said “Are you feeling ok mommy? You feel better?”

My head was pounding and I was still hacking away but I felt instantly better. I’ve got the sweetest boy in the world and that really does make everything ok.

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Results in 30 days or your money back.

If you’re also a mom, you’re probably sympathetic to the fact that post-baby, your body is never going back to the way it was before. I blame all those slimming centre commercials with all the before and after shots (which were all probably photoshopped in anyway) because they make it look so easy. Pop 3 kids, wear some glad wrap and bam, you’re back to a svelte 45kgs.

Wrong.

First of all, glad wrap doesn’t work. Yeah, I’ve tried. I even let the masseuse slather me with some miracle ginger concoction that’s supposed to burn all my fats away. All it does is give you a hernia and you can’t even pee the entire time, which will mess with your bladder. Fail.

Oh, it’s all about controlling the food intake, you say? Ever since baby girl popped, I’ve been down to having 1 or 2 meals a day. If I’m lucky enough to find time to wolf down a sandwich in the morning, it’ll take me to dinnertime when the husband gets off work. If not, I only get to eat at 2 or 3 in the afternoon when the kids go to bed. I know there are a lot of theories on how eating at irregular hours will trick your body into storing fats but let’s just put it this way. My body is going to store more fats if I have more food than if I have less. Basic math, people.

Then there’s the exercise. Which I do not have the time for. If I have a spare hour in the day, I’m going to use it to eat, take a shower, catch some shut eye and watch the new season of Grey’s Anatomy. In that order. Doing squats to Richard Simmons on DVD is very far down my list of things do to on a day I manage to squeeze out some free time.

What makes it worse is that after you have a baby, you have to work doubly hard to keep in shape, as if it wasn’t hard enough before you had the baby.

But not to fear because I’m about to tell you how to get rid of that postpartum baby bulge – which is already sans the baby so it’s just a bulge – right in the comfort of your living room. And you don’t even have to spend thousands of dollars on expensive gym equipment. Now that you’ve already gone ahead and had the baby, might as well make the most of it.

1. Breastfeed.

For those of you who are still breastfeeding, DON’T STOP. Until your kid is 12. I think it starts to get a bit weird once they start hitting puberty but up till then, it’s all cool. Every breastfeeding session is equivalent to one solid workout at the gym so you can still watch tv and snack on nachos with extra cheese while those gym rats are huffing and puffing away pumping iron.

2. Weightlifting while on the treadmill.

Mothers are the masters of multitasking and we should use that to our advantage. When the baby is screaming and demanding to be rocked to sleep, it’s the best time to get in that extra workout. At one point I had to carry baby girl and run around the house in order to get her to fall asleep. I lost a whole kg in that week alone. Then I got lazy and left her to sleep on her own, at which point I gained it right back. And then some.

3. Drills.

I used to do this a lot during my basketball training days so I’ve incorporated some of them into my daily routine with the kids. So I’ll be fixing their lunch in the kitchen when I suddenly hear a scream or a thump or worse still, absolute silence and I drop everything, leap over the baby gate, rush into the room to find the kids up to some mischief, yell at them a little, remember that my food is getting burnt and dash back into the kitchen. Repeat.

4. Endurance training.

These days, there are all sorts of fancy schmancy baby slings and carriers to keep the baby stuck to your hip as you potter around and do your motherly stuff. Use them. It keeps the baby quiet and you get to work out a little while you do the dishes or clear the chores around the house. You may get a slipped disc at some point but if you’re a real athlete, that’s part of the package. No pain, no gain. (which is what my nazi lactation consultant said as she manhandled my boobs and the next person who says that to me will be punched in the gut)

5. Make up your own

It just doesn’t seem right to end with 4 points so you get to come up with your own. It’s like an assignment that nobody wants to do but I’m asking anyway because I’m all out.

PS. If you tried it all and nothing works, crap, just do this.

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Art Attack

I finally got started on some art and craft activities for the kids. And by art and craft, I mean I got color pencils, coloring books and a bunch of stickers for the kids. You see, a few months back, I attempted chalk on the corridor but it didn’t turn out quite so well. Tru was more interested in doing a leopard crawl on the sidewalk most of the time and Kirsten was busy eating the chalk so I figured this time, I’ll go easy on them, start with the basics, you know.

Surprisingly, they took to it a lot better this time. Tru is like an expert on coloring these days because he’s been doing a lot of that in school, I reckon. And baby girl is trying to imitate everything her brother does so she observed him intently, then picked up a color pencil and got cracking as well.

Being the domineering big brother, Tru took it upon himself to educate her on the fine art of coloring. Mostly he was all like “OH NO KIRSTEN, SO MESSY!” and I was expecting his to be some sort of a masterpiece but when I looked, it was EXACTLY THE SAME. Identical blobs of mess in different colors.

So of course I had to show them how real coloring was done. Behold, my magnum opus. When I was done with it, Tru stole my credit and insisted it was his by making me write his name on it. Way to go, thunder-stealer.

Then came the fun part – STICKERS! Every kid I know (and some adults too) loves stickers, even fugly ones. It’s like “Thundering typhoons this colorful plastic thing has got adhesive, you mean I can attach it to stuff and have it stay there? Then why am I using color pencils in the first place when I can just stick stuff, momma?” That should have been the point I explained the importance of learning fine motor skills and how to grip a pencil and artistic expression but I know they will just look at me like I’m a crackpot so I didn’t bother.

Seeing how successful this went, I think I’ll try something more ambitious the next round. Ideas, anyone?