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World’s Deadliest Creatures

March 29, 2012

Ok so the kids are sweet and filled with sparkly rainbow confetti kind of awesome but if I’m honest with myself, there are times where I just want to gag them and stuff them in my closet for 20 minutes.

You’d think that in the grand scheme of things, like compared to a grizzly bear attack or a shark bite, dealing with a toddler’s tantrum is um, child’s play.

But then you realize that unlike having a cobra death-match where your end is swift and decisive, dealing with a baby requires you to listen to that annoying sing-song nasally whine that can go on and on and on and on and on some more until the thought of ripping off your own arm and feeding it to wolves is monumentally less painful.

With that in mind, I present to you my list of the world’s deadliest creatures.

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stuff best described as not safe for parents

Monkey Alert

March 27, 2012

How did this happen?

I’ve always known Truett to be an adrenaline junkie but all this time, he’s been a safe one (if there’s such a thing). He climbs stuff and jumps from stuff like a typical boy but he takes calculated risks and has always exercised restraint in how high he goes. And he always checks to make sure I’m there as his safety net just in case.

During our recent trip to Hong Kong, we spent some time at this playground near Citygate Outlet Mall. It’s mostly like the playgrounds we have here except taller and scarier. Like this rocket structure that was really huge – all the kids up on that thing were at least in Primary School.

When Tru saw it from afar, he sprinted to it and started climbing. And when the husband followed behind he was like “Daddy you go down, I can do it by myself. No, no, stand further back, you don’t come so near.”

He was up on the monkey bars, sitting on top of places that weren’t meant to be sat on and ok, somebody please tell me he’s too small to be scaling the structures spiderman-style. I was lurking around below yelling at him to be careful but he just looked down at me nonchalantly and said “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine I won’t fall.”

I figured I’d have to deal with this when he turns 7 or 8, but the little guy is barely even 4 and he’s doing all the things that big boys do. I guess 4 is the new 7 now.

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Kidspeak, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Open Sesame

February 9, 2012

At 2 years and 6 months, Kirsten was still unable to open the door by herself. Considering that her brother has been opening his own doors since he was 20 months old, she’s like way behind the in this particular physical development area.

being short is no fun at all

This wouldn’t be so bad if not for her penchant for locking herself in rooms. She does it both at home and in other people’s houses. One time, we had to smash the lock with a hammer to get her out, which was a harrowing experience for everyone involved.

Recently, she did it again and this time, it had to be my bedroom, which happens to be the only room in the house without an access key (we had the doors replaced for the other 2 rooms). Naturally, I was reluctant to go through the whole door smashing debacle again, so we tried to talk her into opening the door on her own.

Me: Baby, open the door!

Kirsten: I’m too short, I cannot reach.

Me: Yes you can. That’s how you locked it in the first place. Now I need you to try your best to unlock it yourself.

Kirsten: I tried, I cannot open it.

Me: Go grab the mattress and stand on it, you’ll be able to reach.

Kirsten: The mattress is too heavy, I can’t…push…it…ARRGGHHH *grunting sounds while attempting to push the mattress*

Me: Ok, stand on your tippie toes and try, you can do it.

Kirsten: I’m too tired, I’m going to sleep.

Me: NO WAKE UP! Don’t sleep, you need to open the door first.

Kirsten: *silence*

Me: Sweetie, listen to me. You need to get off the bed and come to the door to try again. Mommy’s right outside, we can do it together.

Kirsten: *silence*

Me: Hey are you there? If you come out by yourself, I’ll give you ice-cream.

Kirsten: I get ice-cream? Ok.

Me: Yes, you’ll get a whole bowl of ice-cream. Promise.

Kirsten: I think I need to find a card to open.

Me: No, you don’t need a card. Just tiptoe and open the door. Come on!

Kirsten: *scraping sounds at the door*

Me: What are you doing? You can’t scrape your way out, you’re not a ferret. Just reach up and turn the knob with your fingers.

Kirsten: Mommy you do it, I cannot open.

Husband: Ok, this is futile. I’m getting the hammer.

Me: No wait, give her a chance. She’s tall enough, she can do it.

Me: Kirsten, mommy’s here. Just turn the knob, I’ll count to 3 and we do it together. 1, 2, 3! TURN NOW!!

Just like that, she did it. She opened the door and walked out looking mighty pleased with herself.

Kirsten: I opened the door by myself, you know. Now I get ice-cream.

Me: Why, yes you can. But after that, we’re practicing opening the door 20 times so this doesn’t happen again.

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seriously somewhat serious, stuff best described as not safe for parents, the gripes of wrath, unqualified parenting tips

No clothes, no shame

January 12, 2012

I can’t say if it’s an Asian thing or a generational thing, but there are these adults who tell kids who undress that they’re “shame shame”.

It infuriates me.

I was at the library with the kids a while back and there was a mom who was reading to her kid. From what I could gather while sitting across the room, it was about a kid who was learning to take a shower. While reading, she would pause and comment on the illustrations. So she got to this portion where the kid got undressed and she pointed at the photo to her child and said, “so shame shame right?”. Her 3-year-old responded with a giggle but after a stern look from his mom, became decidedly subdued and said, “the boy never wear clothes, so shame shame.”

Ok, first of all, where I come from, people get naked when they have a shower. There’s nothing shame shame about it.

And second of all, even though I haven’t actually read the book, I think that’s not really the point the author was trying to make.

The lady was reading loud enough for my kids to hear but since they didn’t really seem to hear it, I decided to leave it alone. Besides, I try not to comment on other parents’ teaching methods because I know how sensitive it is.

Then a couple of days ago, I was showering Kirsten when she turned to me and said, “See, I shame shame.” I was taken aback for a while so I asked her where she learnt it from and she said her teacher in school told her about it.

“Sweetie, listen to me, you’re not shame shame ok. You’re beautiful. If teacher ever tells you that you are shame shame again, you say “I’m beautiful” and then tell mommy when you get home.”

“But teacher said if I never wear clothes, I’m shame shame,” she said.

“That’s not true baby. Remember mommy told you that you’re not allowed to show your vagina to other people? It’s because it’s special and you’re supposed to keep it secret. But you’re not shame shame and if you have to bathe, it’s fine to not wear clothes ok.”

It was hard explaining this to a 2.5-year-old and I was mad at the teacher for making it worse.

Ok seriously, this whole shame shame thing has got to stop. I know why adults do it – to discourage kids from running around stark naked in public but there has got to be a better way to do it than shaming a child. They’re going to have to deal with feelings of inferiority and self-doubt and shame soon enough, they don’t need to feel ashamed about their bodies when they’re 2.

Besides, if there’s anything I’ve learnt from parenting toddlers, it’s that they’re compulsive little people. It’s like they can’t help themselves. If they want to get naked, THEY WILL GET NAKED. We try to contain it and scramble to make them put their clothes back on but they will do it until they’re old enough to control their impulses. And they’re not doing it to be bad or intentionally flashing their penises at you to make you uncomfortable. They’re just compulsive and all we need to do is give them a little time to learn that their private parts should be kept private.

But you know what really gets me? When teachers or adults in positions of power do it, the kids under their care will think that it’s ok to “shame shame” their peers. The kids who are waiting for their turn to shower will see the naked kids and think it’s funny to point and say “eee, shame shame”. And maybe even laugh.

I’m all for being fully clothed in public. I mean, I do it all the time. But there are situations in life which requires us to get naked and showering is one of them. My kids don’t need to feel ashamed when they undress to bathe. And so what if they do a naked streak around the house right after their shower? I doubt they’re going to be doing it when they’re 14, so if this is the way they need to express themselves right now, I’m ok with that.

So now every time I shower the kids, I make it a point to tell them that they’re beautiful the way the are.

Today, when Kirsten got into the shower, she said, “I’m not shame shame, right? I’m beautiful!”

Damn right you are, princess.

photo credit: Lynn Davis

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i embarrass myself sometimes, lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Booger Bites

December 9, 2011

Boogers. We’ve all eaten some. And by we I really mean me.

I was about 4 and I had discovered the simple satisfaction that is nose-picking. I didn’t care much for cleanliness in general but I was um, picky about nostril hygiene. The quality of my life at that point was easily determined by how booger-free my nose was. The problem was that all this gold-digging left me with a by-product that I had to dispose of.

I could smear it, wipe it, flick it, wash it away or roll it around while thinking of more efficient ways to discard it.

It wasn’t long before it occurred to me to eat it. It seemed like such a good idea at that time because it did after all come from my nose and the proximity to my mouth made it practically edible. It’s all connected inside anyway, isn’t it?

I have to admit that my first booger bite wasn’t great. It wasn’t terrible but just very meh. With all the other snack options available to me, eating booger was way down the list, occupying the spot below wholemeal bread but above celery sticks.

The response I elicited from my bite of booger, however, was far more interesting. Grown ups seemed to find it a vile and disgusting habit. Some told me that it would give me a tummy ache and others even told me that it would make worms grow in my stomach. To the 4-year-old me, it was equal parts fascinating and terrifying. While I wasn’t entirely keen on the idea of having worms grow in my stomach, the rebel in me was already plotting to make it a regular snack option just to call their bluff.

I’ve since stopped it (seriously, I have) but it took my several years before I realized that me eating booger just to disprove a theory was dumb on so many levels. Plus it wasn’t even that nice.

Several days ago, I spotted Truett picking his nose and putting it in his mouth so now I’m considering my options on how to deal with the situation.

1. Leave him to outgrow it. I’m fairly confident that the taste of booger pales in comparison to Ruffles chips and ice-cream. which means that if I offer him tastier options, this gets phased out quick and easy. But then again, he might find it delicious and never stop.

2. Scare him into change. I could go with “son, that’s a vile and disgusting habit. You will get worms in your stomach that will eat their way up to your mouth” but off the top of my head, I just came up with many viler and more disgusting habits that will require this approach. I should probably save this for the day he attempts to eat someone else’s booger.

3. Tell him my booger story so he doesn’t have to learn the hard way. But any story that begins with “mommy used to eat booger too...” doesn’t make me sound very credible.

4. Get some worms for a live demonstration. It’s likely that my kids inherited my rebellious streak so this will probably backfire.

5. Tell him to stop it because mommy says so. Hah. Right, if only this ever works.

Any ideas?

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not feeling so supermom, stuff best described as not safe for parents

HFMD ain’t no fun for me

October 31, 2011

Tru’s down with HFMD.

He woke up with a temperature yesterday and was complaining about having pain in his mouth. We thought it was a just bad throat but we found his mouth covered with ulcers in the evening and a trip to the doctors confirmed that it was definitely a case of HFMD.

In parentland, that’s cause for panicked hand-flailing and large amounts of distress. Not so much because it’s life-threatening but because it’s extremely painful and aggressively contagious. Plus there’s the 7-day quarantine that’s most certainly going to drive me a little mad.

Usually by the second day, the parent starts to display signs of insanity, like bloodshot eyes and aimless shuffling. By day 4 or 5, it will progress to full on crazy and symptoms include straggly hair, hair eating, insomnia and random outbursts.

Obviously, I did the only logical thing and turned to google for help but then I immediately regretted doing that because all the photos that came up – ewwww. I had to cover the pictures with one hand while scrolling the text with the other. Also, trust me on this, it’s not suitable bedtime reading material because you’ll dream of getting chased by legions of giant ulcers and blisters.

To be fair, the H & F part isn’t that bad because the blisters aren’t the itchy sort but the mouth full of ulcers, that’s the killer. I have one tiny ulcer and I feel positively miserable so I can only imagine how difficult it is to have 22 ulcers all at once.

Truett tried to be strong but he would stop in his tracks every few minutes, grab his mouth and cry because of the pain. He couldn’t even close his mouth so he was drooling all day and had to talk like he had a lisp. Coming from the boy who didn’t flinch while taking 5 stitches to the head, it was heartbreaking.

It was too painful to eat so I kept him on a diet of ice-cream, chocolate milk and iced water. By dinner time, he was ravenously hungry and he stared at the fish porridge with a look that can only be described as anguish.

“I want porr-age. I’m wear-ee hungee… bwahhhhhhhh, pain pain. My mowf is so painfoo.”

He would bring the spoon of porride to his lips, peer at it and start to cry. Finally, he stopped, braced himself and took a bite before quickly swallowing and bursting into tears.

I can’t believe it’s only day 1 of the quarantine.

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lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Living with toddlers

October 25, 2011

More often than not, having a toddler (or two) running around the house is a basket of awesome.

They walk around wearing 15 articles of clothing (some of which belong to me), put stuff in their nostrils and spend way too much time trying to fit into little boxes. They know when they’re doing something cute and will often draw attention to their cuteness with a “MOMMY LOOK AT ME!” followed by a fit of giggles.

That thing they do where they hold your ears and kiss you all over your face (2 on the cheeks, 2 on the eyes, the forehead, nose and chin)? Totally makes you want to buy them anything they want. “You’d like that $200 doll house that’s basically made of paper cardboard? Of course, pumpkin!”

They dazzle you with their cuteness, smother you with hugs and flash you those innocent peepers to make you feel like having them around is the best thing in the world.

Which it would be if not for some of the things they do that make you want to stab yourself repeatedly with a blunt object.

Stuff like…

1. Pee everywhere. The one thing that toddlers lack is focus and we all know (I’m mostly referring to guys here) how important that is when it comes to the fine art of peeing. It looks easy enough to me – just aim and fire. But apparently it’s harder than it looks because just when about 87% of the pee goes into the toilet bowl, they inevitably start to lose focus and it ends up everywhere else but the bowl.

One time Tru was doing his thing and I wanted to show him something really cool so I was all “Tru, come quick!” He turned and ran out midstream and I watched the pee fly all over my toilet in slow motion as I screamed “NO NOOOOOO TURN BACK YOU’RE STILL PEEING!!!” So he got even more confused and turned around 360 degrees, all the while still peeing. Fun times.

2. Hide everything. That’s actually ok if they remember where they put it. But they don’t. And in an emergency (which is like all the time), they stare at you blankly when you ask “Where’s my car key? Mommy’s late we have to leave now.” Then again, it’s possibly worse when they know and think it’s funny not to tell you so they look at each other and giggle while you panic and threaten to withhold gummies for a month.

3. Stick their sticky fingers on things that should not be stuck. They’re like spiderman, except much less cool and somewhat annoying. I pick up my phone and it’s sticky. I open my macbook and there’s a layer of sticky. I pick out my shoes and yes, they’re sticky.

4. Dunk my stuff in water. I get why they love water so much. Really, I do. It’s WET! It’s SPLASHY! It makes things float. It makes things sink. It’s SUPER FUN! It’s just not as fun for me when I have to fish out my phone from the bottom of the bathtub to watch the screen flicker until it breathes its last and dies in my arms.

5. Talk in that high-pitched nasally voice when they don’t get what they want. There’s the normal voice that normal people have and there the incessant, high-pitched hypersonic version that toddlers have. It’s like a special power that nobody wants.

Toddler: Mommy can I have gummies?

Me: No.

Toddler: Please, just one?

Me: No sweetie, you just had TEN “just ones.”

Toddler: Iwantgummeeesmommyiwantsomanyilikegummeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… 

Me: *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab*

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