side effects of motherhood

I am so high right now.

It’s been over 2 weeks since I last slept, you know, the deep and delicious kind where you drift off into blissful oblivion. I miss that. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to really sleep anymore. In its place, I have pockets of 1-hour naps. Those are cruel, because that’s about the time it takes you to reach dreamzone and just as you tiptoe your way there, you get yanked right out of it back into cold, cold reality.

There’s also the part where they cry all the time. Why? I haven’t figured that out yet. Maybe they’re hungry, maybe they need to fart, maybe they’re tired, maybe their toesies feel cold, maybe they want to be swaddled, maybe they want to be free, maybe they want to play with their siblings but don’t have the motor function to do it, or maybe they just want to cry because it feels good – AND IT ALL SOUNDS THE SAME.

Having a newborn is the ultimate test of your mental strength and sanity, both of which I’m rapidly running out of.

Some nights ago, baby Theo was up from 2.30 in the morning to feed and he ended up fussing for the next 3 hours. He cried when I held him. He cried when I put him down. He cried when I walked around. He cried while being carried in every position I could think of to hold him. By 5.30 when he finally fell asleep, I thought I had hit rock bottom and there was no way I could possibly be any more tired.

But OH YES I CAN.

The next night, he decided to wake up every hour from 11-5 for milk instead. He’d drink a little and then fall asleep and refuse to drink no matter how I tried to wake him. An hour later, he’d repeat the cycle again. I don’t know which version of misery was worse.

For a fleeting moment, I thought of hiring a confinement nanny just to take the baby for a couple of nights while I curled up in bed to hibernate. But I couldn’t do it. My baby needed me to be in the trenches with him while he got used to life in this big, scary world and this is the only chance I have to do it.

I don’t know how long this phase will last. I don’t know how much worse it’s going to get before it gets better. I don’t know how I’m going to keep it together till that day comes.

All I know right now is that every time I look at his chubby little face, I can’t help but love him.

Finn was due for his vaccination last week and being the overachieving mom that I am, we decided to give him 2 jabs at once, one on each butt cheek.

It wasn’t actually planned though. My little champ took the first one like a pro and didn’t even flinch so we were like, “hey that was easy, let’s go for two!” But then the second jab went in and he got really upset and screamy. He probably thought “I took it like a man and all I got for it was…A SECOND NEEDLE IN MY BOTTOM. THIS WILL NOT STAND!!”

I guess I would have done the same thing if I were him, because clearly taking jabs without protesting isn’t working out so well. I don’t think it hurt that bad but it’s a protest on principle, just to make it clear that multiple jabs on one day aren’t acceptable.

Message received loud and clear.

The next day, he promptly fell ill, coupled with an outbreak of rashes and general grouchiness overall. Poor baby. It’s apparently a side effect that happens to a handful of kids after the MMR vaccination. So he’s been in a foul mood the past couple of days, refusing to eat or drink his milk, waking up to cry multiple times a night. Poor me. I haven’t had to carry a screaming toddler to pace the room in the middle of the night for a while now, and I’ve forgotten how exhausting that is, especially with this ginormous belly in the way.

We were hanging out in bed singing the ABC song for the 28th time last night when he stopped, put his head on my tummy and said “love momma”.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the first time he’s ever told me he loves me.

And there’s something special about that first “I love you”; it’s the kind of moment that makes you giddy, the kind you want to drink in and wrap up to put in a little jar in your pocket so you can relive over and over again.

I tried my luck and asked him to say it again but he’s a one and done sort of guy so that was it. Next thing I knew, he sat up and yelled “POCOYO PARTY, LET’S GO!!”

Moment over, but that was enough for me. A mom’s gotta take what a mom gets.

First thing you should know, is that I have a love-hate relationship with long weekends. I spend far too much time waiting for each one to arrive and there are all these expectations of how awesome they’d be but they get here and they always turn out to be never quite long enough. I’m sure they have a name for this condition, like whenever I’m having a good time, instead of just getting lost in the moment and soaking it in, I start a mental countdown of how much time I have left to enjoy it and how bummed I’d be once it ends. It’s just how this brain is wired.

This Easter break was good though, one of the best in fact. It felt like much-needed soul time sandwiched between two pretty crazy weeks.

For one, I’ve been parenting solo since the start of last week while the husband is off serving the country and going away on some super secret mission. I like me a macho soldier man but a 2-week reservist is really tough, especially with 3 kids and another on the way.

I’ve been thinking, I’m glad the husband doesn’t have to travel for work. How do people do this? I have a new respect for moms who have to deal with this on a regular basis. I get so used to having a tag-team partner around to play with the kids and bathe them and tuck them into bed whenever I need a breather. Even if I don’t activate the tag, it’s comforting to know that there’s someone there to hold the fort when there’s too much mayhem, or just to understand. Moral support and all that. Having to do it alone just feels alone.

Anyhow, the kids seem to think that daddy is Captain America Singapore every time he puts on his military gear and they’ve been saluting each other a lot the past week (ok, kind of cute), plus they’re thrilled to be sleeping on my bed all night while daddy is away in camp.

But then they suddenly realise that they miss having daddy around and they’re like “Why can’t daddy come home now? I don’t like daddy to go to the army anymore.”

I know, I miss him too.

On the bright side, the long weekend couldn’t have come at a better time and I’m glad we managed to have the husband back with us for 3 whole days. There was church time, playground time, park time, pool time, ice-cream time and a whole lot of family snuggly time, just the way I like it.

Just one more week of solo parenting to go. Wish me luck!

Kirsten: I can’t believe I’m going to have TWO baby brothers, what if I love baby Finn more than baby Theo? Will he be sad?

Truett: What?? He will be SO SAD, I think he will cry everyday.

Kirsten: *looks appalled* But I haven’t seen baby Theo, I don’t know what he looks like. And I love my baby Finn Finn so much, he’s really cute right?

Truett: I’m just kidding lah. Don’t worry, when you meet baby Theo, you’re going to love him so much also because he’ll be super cute like Finn Finn.

Kirsten: How do you know that?

Truett: Trust me, he will definitely be cute because he’s our baby what.

Kirsten: Oh ya, that’s true. And then there will be THREE BOYS and just ONE GIRL!

Truett: *LOL* Yay, boys win.

Kirsten: No, GIRLS WIN. Because I’ll be the only princess, that means I’m special and you all have to protect me.

Truett: Gah! Ok fine, we all win. Fair.

“Mom! Can we build a fort, please please please?”

I made a quick mental calculation: set up time – 20 minutes, dismantling time – another 20 minutes, effort required – in the region of far too much. I glanced at my to-do list and nuh-uh, fort building was out of the question today.

“Um, how about another time? Hey let’s do some colouring instead. Here’s a bunch of crayons, knock yourselves out guys.”

***

“Can I play dress up with my princess Belle dress?”

This particular dress was a colossal pain to wash by hand and the odds of her spilling chocolate milk on it or getting ink stains on it or getting it ripped while tearing up and down the house were a gazillion to one.

“We should keep it for special occasions, sweetheart. If not, it’ll get destroyed and you won’t be able to wear it anymore.”

***

“I’m bored. Shall we go to the playground?” Truett asked.

Out of nowhere, his sister’s voice replied, “I don’t think so, kor kor…mommy’s busy. Maybe another time, ok?”

OUCH. In the scheme of awful mom moments, that was one of my worst.

Right then, I realised that I was turning into one of those parents who said no all the time. In my head, I had super important valid reasons for the each no and I even tried to disguise them as maybe laters but they were really just a whole bunch of big fat NOs. I was busy and anything that was too messy or time consuming or required too much effort had a default NO attached to it. Worst of all, the kids were catching on.

There’s value to kids learning that they can’t get what they want all the time but it’s like moms are given a bag of NOs at the start of the day and these should be used wisely and sparingly.

Me, I was blazing through my bag of NOs faster than I knew how to replenish them. And since they weren’t the sort to throw a hissy fit when they didn’t get what they wanted, most of the time, they’d just walk away with disappointment all over their little faces. At the rate I was doling out NOs, it was probably a matter of time before they knew to stop asking for my attention and company completely.

I needed to start turning my NOs into YESs. Yeses? Yesses? Whatever the plural of yes is.

I looked at my laptop and then I looked at the kids who had turned their attention to making a human burrito out of a very bewildered baby Finn and it was suddenly clear which one of those things was more important.

Burritos. Always baby burritos. And then we would play dress up and build a fort and maybe even squeeze in some time for the playground.

Airports are just about the happiest places in the world.

Because this.

Tonight’s the night Tru comes home and we’ve been counting the hours since we got up this morning.

Then we got to the airport and it was all so dramatic – Kirsten saw them walking from afar and started jumping and waving and yelling “KOR KOR!! CAN YOU SEE ME?? KOR KORRRRRRRR I’M HERE!!!” Finally, he did see her and there was some running and lots of hugs and too many kisses and happy faces all round.

My world is complete again.

We’ve been to Bangkok many times over the past few years – it’s probably the one place we visit more often than any other city – and what’s not to like? Gorgeous hotels, crazy shopping, relaxing massages and the most delicious food I’ve ever tasted.

But this is the first time we’ve decided to bring the kids along (well, except baby Finn) and we’re discovering a very different side of Bangkok.

Instead of massages and non-stop shopping, we’re sipping mocktails by the pool and having relaxing brunches. It’s turned out to be a very different kind of fun and I think I’m loving this kid-friendly side a little more.

More to come soon!