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milestones & musings, seriously somewhat serious, unqualified parenting tips

Make it a year you’ll remember

January 2, 2011

2010 has been good to us in so many ways. It has also been so tough in so many ways. But I’ve come to learn that as far as the really memorable years go, they’ve got a lot of great moments and the overcoming of monumentally bad ones. And so I’m thankful for both.

This new year, I have a feeling is going to be a really big one. I can just feel it in my bones. Exactly like how I can feel it in my bones when it’s about to rain. It’s like a superpower, although the husband calls it a medical condition. Maybe I’m special that way, I have a feeling about things and I’m usually right 37% of the time, sometimes even less.

I jotted down several resolutions for the new year and you’re welcome to steal them.

1. I will not simply choose the path of least resistance.

Instinctively, I am averse to any sort of pain and hardship. Which is possibly why I managed to not exercise for an entire decade, with the exception of a couple of shopping sprees along Orchard Road. Tragically, all that got me was a 170-pound ass (at my heaviest), which as you can guess, created a hell of a lot more resistance.

This year, I’m going to embrace hardship and pain will be my best friend. Not because I’m mental but because it makes me stronger. What doesn’t kill you usually does.

2. I will not be afraid to fail.

I’ve always been the safe sort of kid, choosing to err on the side of caution rather than playing big and risking it all. I guess you can say that I’m terrified of failure. The good thing is that most of my life choices have been safe – the right schools, the safe subjects, the proper jobs. The bad thing is that there’s always a ceiling for safety. That’s just the rules in this game called life – those that win big have risked big.

3. I will pay for what I want in blood, sweat and tears.

Ok, that’s just a little overdramatic. But truth is, the really good things in life require a price, usually in the form of effort and sacrifice; while the things that come easy usually aren’t worth a lot. To quote my new Master Shifu, “If you want something, you got to fight for it. It doesn’t come for free.” Touche.

4. I will dare to dream. BIG.

Dreams can be worthless or they can be worth everything. Just ask Leo Di Cap. *Cue deadly voice: “I specialize in a very specific type of security…”

Also, a lot depends on whether they come true or not. Only thing is, without dreams in the first place, there won’t be anything to come true. Or to fight for, for that matter.

This year, I’ve got exciting things in the pipeline. Some of them awesome, most of them ridiculous, but all of them pretty exciting. To end with a cliche, the year is going to be as good as you want it to be. I used to think that was nonsense because nobody *wants* a crappy year but here’s a secret. If you’re happy to cruise, there’s not enough wanting. If you really, really want it, you will fight for it with everything you’ve got.

So here’s to a spectacular year, one filled with so much awesomeness you’ll have to beat it off with a large bat to make room for even more.

Happy New Year, everyone!

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i embarrass myself sometimes, seriously somewhat serious, stuff best described as not safe for parents, the gripes of wrath

A tale of two kinds of kids

November 23, 2010

So baby girl was going on and on about french fries at 7am this morning and because we haven’t had our dose of unhealthy fast food for a total of 6.5 days now, I brought her to McD’s for some Mcjunkfood. They didn’t have fries for breakfast but as far as my baby was concerned, anything made of potato and fried till golden brown was called FANFRIES!! Tater tots, hash browns, chips, criss-cut fries, all FANFRIES, GIMME FANFRIESSSS!!!

It’s lame to disclaim but before anyone gets all judgey on me, I’ll state that she only gets to eat them on very special occasions like birthdays or christmas or parties or when they catch me snacking on chips from my secret stash of Ruffles cheddar and sour cream (I’m a potato chip snob, it’s got to be worth the fats for me to eat it).

When we got to mackers, there were no baby chairs around except for one at the outdoor al fresco section. Which I went out to get while carrying Kirsten in one arm and bunch of groceries in the other. In my experience with Singaporeans, about 37% of people will hold the door open for a frazzled mother carrying twice her weight. About 50% will pretend to not notice and the final 13% will watch on like it’s some kind of slapstick comedy.

I encountered the final 13% today. In the form of giggling schoolgirls. As the previous guy walked out and the door swung back after him, I stuck out my foot to keep it open while balancing on the other and trying to manoeuvre everything else through.

The whole time, these 6 Secondary School girls were standing about 3 metres away, watching us struggle with the door. I know because I saw them momentarily pause midway through conversation and look at us. So I stood there pondering if I should make one of them hold the door open for me (while I gave them a lesson on helping others in need) when a little boy no bigger than 8 ran up, opened the door and ran off with his friend.

Saved by the bell, girls. And I found myself thinking, if I were that boy’s momma, I’d be so proud.

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seriously somewhat serious

When life isn’t all sunshine and fairydust

September 20, 2010

I have to admit, sometimes enthusiastically positive people make me shiver, and not in a good way. Because let’s face it, life can suck. Like really suck big time. On any given day, any number of bad things can happen. You wake up with some innocuous pain and the doctor says it’s cancer, your boss is an arse, people are mean to you, you lose all your money in a bad investment, your kids torment you, you get attacked by cats (on the face), the possibilities are endless.

And there’s nothing worse than having someone ooze optimism all over your misery. Because I’m all like “You haven’t gone through a fraction of what I’m going through now, so go be positive somewhere else, thankyouverymuch.”

But it’s different when you meet someone who’s gone through a lot worse and yet they still somehow believe it when they say that everything is going to be ok. That sort of optimism is infectious. When you meet people like that, you know that they know what it means to feel pain, but yet they know that it’s not the end of the world. That we go through bad stuff for a reason, so that we would become better people.

Now, I know that’s exactly the kind of thing that you say to someone going through a rough patch if you want them to stab you in the eye but in my experience of going through bad stuff, it’s true. So before you shoot the messenger, hear me out.

Nobody’s life is perfect. When we look past all those layers of perfection, there’s bound to be disappointments, heartaches and failures. Some of us just hide it better than others but at the heart of it, we’re all hurting one way or another. And there’s something about going through tough times that brings out the best and worst in us. Under immense pressure, you see people buckle and crack (trust me, I’ve been there, to utterly crumble in a moment of crisis) but it’s also in these moments that you see how strong and loyal and awesome people can be.

Then the more important thing is that we learn to become better through a crisis. All our flaws become glaringly obvious when the heat is on and that’s the only way we can become better. Sometimes it’s our fault and sometimes it isn’t, but when it is, we’ve got to man up and say “I’ll do better next time”.

I used to wish I could live in Strawberry Shortcake land where it was just one never-ending party of singing songs and eating cake. I know better now than to hope for a crisis-free life. Of course I’m not dumb enough to want more problems in my life but I’m just saying that when it hits, it’s not the end of the world. I try to get past it in one piece as best as I can and hope that I get a decent break before the next one comes.

Right, I’m going to stop being preachy now. Oh wait, KIDS, YOU BETTER DON’T DO DRUGS. Ok, now I’m really done.

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lists you should paste on your fridge, seriously somewhat serious, unqualified parenting tips

The freakonomics of parenting

July 2, 2010

Every time I read a new parenting theory, I try to take it with a pinch of salt, mostly because the next time I come back to the same bookshelf, there’s a new authority with a new revolutionary breakthrough discovery in parenting.

The obsessive parents are up-to-date with the all latest parenting fads, citing studies on how important it is to choose the best schools, teach your kids multiple languages and go to museums to develop their inquisitive minds. I figured all those things were great if you had the time and moolah but by no means necessary. Not when I’m struggling to make it through 24 hours to keep both kids fed, diapered and alive.

Besides, the only thing I remember about my childhood was playing pirates with my brother and stabbing him with a wooden sword (which was awesome, by the way – the sword, not the stabbing). I went to a neighborhood school where overaged Primary School kids were more interested in getting cigarettes than an education.

So when I read the chapter on parenting in Freakonomics (I know, it’s been out for ages, but my reading material has been limited to cooking instructions and nutritional information) the other day, it just blew my mind. In a good way. They used very big numbers and complicated statistics of large samples to posit two overarching theories.

1.  Nature and nurture each made up about 50% of a child’s development.

2. As far as parenting goes, it didn’t matter so much what the parents did as opposed to who the parents were.

They did extensive research on things like how having books in a child’s home was correlated with better grades while reading to a child everyday was not. Or how speaking English in the home made a difference while taking a child to the museum regularly did not. It was all completely mind-boggling because it contradicted conventional wisdom on parenting. We are used to being told that parents could make or break a child’s future. Send them to the best schools, teach them 5 different languages, read to them religiously, buy them educational toys and they would become successful in life.

Except NOT.

Well, first of all, genetics. Smart and successful parents were more likely to have smart and successful kids because things like IQ, that’s innate. The studies showed that a child born to not-so-smart parents and adopted by smart parents was less likely to be smart (even if they were exposed to the best education money could buy). So if you and your husband are smart, congratulations, that’s half the battle won.

The other half lies not in the things you do, like reading to them or sending them to tons of classes, but in the kind of parents you were. Taking the book example mentioned earlier, it seems bizarre that a kid whose mom brought him to the library and read to him every night fared worse in school than a kid whose mom had lots of books in the house but did not read to him at all. They suggested that it was not the act of reading to the child per se that made the difference but the environment the child grew up in. If daddy and mommy loved books and were voracious readers themselves, the kids would love to read even without having books forced-fed down their throats.

Similarly, parents who spoke English at home were likely to be educated and successful, which was correlated with educated and successful kids. On the other hand, bringing your kid to the museum was utterly useless in having better grades. Just like watching loads of TV did not make their brains rot. And so on.

This translates into very good news for me, since I can now save that extra $2,000 on extra-curricular activities and just let them play with empty bottles. But more importantly, it’s a wake up call for us. If we want them to do better, it’s not about telling them the importance of doing better but doing it ourselves. We’ve got to be the kinds of people we want our kids to become and then we won’t need to nag incessantly at them to turn off the telly and pick up a book.

And seriously, if you’ve got time, pick up a copy of Freakonomics, it’s really quite brilliant.

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milestones & musings, seriously somewhat serious, Videos I dig

My mother is going to kill me for posting this video. Also we made her cry.

December 21, 2009

My momma turned 50 yesterday, which makes her as old as my country but in the grand scheme of things, that’s really young considering she’s already got 2 grandkids. Besides, if you looked at her, you probably wouldn’t think she’s a day past 35. (cha-ching, 1000 points for me)

Since the big 5-0 is pretty huge, we decided to throw her a surprise birthday bash and invited all her bosom buddies. Our only aim was to make her cry so we pulled out all the stops to put it all together. She was invited to a friend’s place thinking that it would be a small dinner and we all hid in the bedroom while she was made to watch a cheesy video which we made. After which, we all rushed out with the cake and presents yelling SURPRISE!

Good thing was, we did manage to make her cry but on the downside, she is now going to kill me for posting the video with all her old photos on my blog for the world to see.

Here are my final words so I better make it count.

Mom, you only turn 50 once, and that means people get to go on a journey of all your fashion disasters. It’s all part of the package. Plus, it makes you look so much more stunning now in comparison.

When I used to drive you up the wall, you used to say “wait till you have your own kids and you will understand”. Then I used to say, “when I have my own kids, I’ll be the coolest mom in the universe. They will eat ice-cream all day and party till midnight”. Now all I can say is I was a moron and you were absolutely right. Now I do understand.

I used to wish that I had a cooler mom like Madonna or Barbara Bush because then I’d be famous and I could brag about having a superstar/first lady as my mom. Then I realized that I already do have the best mom in the world and I’m glad I don’t have to deal with explaining why my mother is dating a guy my age. Also, skirt suits with silk blouses give me the creeps.

You’ve always taught me to love God and love people. To give my best in everything that I do. To be a person with integrity and character. To have a spine in the face of adversity. To give honor where it’s due. To be generous and kind. To be faithful till the end.

Most of these lessons I learnt just watching you live your life.

Thank you for always believing the best in us and praying for us. Everything I know about being a mom I learnt from you. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I’m really, really glad you’re my mom.

With lots of love as always.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBL6SesAlXk

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seriously somewhat serious

When life gives you lemons…

June 15, 2009

hand-in-hand

I’m convinced that parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world, and I’m not saying this just so I can gain sympathy points for how awesome I am. In fact, I think I’ve got it pretty easy. All things considered, Tru is one of the easiest babies in the world to take care of, so I really don’t have anything to whine about. But I’ve got mad respect for parents who make it despite having life treat them unfairly.

We brought Tru to Ikea for a walk last night to add some finishing touches to the nursery before Kirsten’s arrival. While we were making the rounds checking out baby stuff, I happened to see a little girl who literally made me stop in my tracks and I almost teared standing there in the middle of Ikea. She was about  3 years old, with pigtails and the sweetest smile a girl could have. One hand was holding a stuffed toy and the other was firmly tucked in her daddy’s arm. Then I noticed that that arm ended slightly above the wrist, and she had no fingers on that hand.

It didn’t stop her from smiling and skipping around. If you didn’t pay attention, you probably wouldn’t even notice the arm. Just standing there looking at her, I felt like holding her in my arms and crying. I looked at Tru and it seemed so terribly unfair. Kids don’t deserve to be born handicapped and parents don’t deserve to have their hearts broken every day of their lives at the injustice of it all.

Honestly, I don’t know if I have the capacity to handle it if one of my kids were born with some form of imperfection. It’s the parent’s job to shower them with extra love and care to make up for it, but I’m not sure if I have that much love to give in the first place. I’d probably cry everyday.

I look at parents who’s kid has Down’s or a hole in their heart or paraplegic and they seem to have a special capacity to love more than the average person. With the medical advancements available to us, doctors can detect signs of abnormality within the first trimester and it’s so much easier to opt for the easy way out, to terminate the pregnancy and try again. But some parents choose to take the road less travelled, to have the child and love him despite of how tough it’s going to be.

For some, it’s a lifetime of heartache, sacrifice and worry. Weird stares, whispers, taunts and tough questions become a daily staple. And yet they find it within them to smile and keep on going.

If you’re a mother who has such an experience or know of someone like that, I’d love to hear your story and read about your journey. You can post your comments here with your web address here if you have one or just email me at my Contact Me page.

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milestones & musings, seriously somewhat serious

Sometimes…you fly

April 17, 2009

There’s a strip in Neil Gaiman’s Fables and Reflections which has stayed with me for the longest time. In a dream, I’m standing at the edge of a precipice and there’s no way down but to jump. But I’m terrified of heights and I’m pretty sure I’ll plunge to my death.

Morpheus: If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall? Sometimes you wake, and sometimes, yes, you die. But there is a third alternative.

Sometimes you wake up.

Sometimes the fall kills you.

And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.

Motherhood is like that. In most ways, I’m resistant to change. I like what’s familiar and safe. My life was good before, when everything was planned out and neat and I’ve got it all figured out in my head. The job, the vacations, the parties, the glamour.

Then the kids arrive, and everything changes. I suppose it’s possible to make the kid fit into your life and keep the inconveniences to a minimum. Some folks get a nanny or babysitter to take care of all the baby’s needs while they galavant all night. Which is not a bad thing, since you get the best of both worlds.

But my mantra for motherhood (for life, as a matter of fact) is somewhat different. In the words of Robert Frost,

Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

After 10 months of countless sleepless nights, missed parties, forgone vacations, I can still safely say that it’s been the best time of my life. I’ve never been happier. Sure, there’s been bad days when I wish life was a little less tough. On retrospect, I did take a peek and wander down the path taken by many, but I’m glad I turned back and chose the other one instead.

Nothing could trump the fact that I’m the first person Tru sees when he wakes up, and the last person to kiss him goodnight before he goes to bed. That I’m there hold him when he’s got a bad day and kiss the boo-boos away. To witness all the first milestones and have him grow up knowing that Mommy’s going to be there no matter what.

So yeah, sometimes you fall. But sometimes you take off on the most awesome journey of your life.

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