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seriously somewhat serious

No clothes, no shame

January 12, 2012

I can’t say if it’s an Asian thing or a generational thing, but there are these adults who tell kids who undress that they’re “shame shame”.

It infuriates me.

I was at the library with the kids a while back and there was a mom who was reading to her kid. From what I could gather while sitting across the room, it was about a kid who was learning to take a shower. While reading, she would pause and comment on the illustrations. So she got to this portion where the kid got undressed and she pointed at the photo to her child and said, “so shame shame right?”. Her 3-year-old responded with a giggle but after a stern look from his mom, became decidedly subdued and said, “the boy never wear clothes, so shame shame.”

Ok, first of all, where I come from, people get naked when they have a shower. There’s nothing shame shame about it.

And second of all, even though I haven’t actually read the book, I think that’s not really the point the author was trying to make.

The lady was reading loud enough for my kids to hear but since they didn’t really seem to hear it, I decided to leave it alone. Besides, I try not to comment on other parents’ teaching methods because I know how sensitive it is.

Then a couple of days ago, I was showering Kirsten when she turned to me and said, “See, I shame shame.” I was taken aback for a while so I asked her where she learnt it from and she said her teacher in school told her about it.

“Sweetie, listen to me, you’re not shame shame ok. You’re beautiful. If teacher ever tells you that you are shame shame again, you say “I’m beautiful” and then tell mommy when you get home.”

“But teacher said if I never wear clothes, I’m shame shame,” she said.

“That’s not true baby. Remember mommy told you that you’re not allowed to show your vagina to other people? It’s because it’s special and you’re supposed to keep it secret. But you’re not shame shame and if you have to bathe, it’s fine to not wear clothes ok.”

It was hard explaining this to a 2.5-year-old and I was mad at the teacher for making it worse.

Ok seriously, this whole shame shame thing has got to stop. I know why adults do it – to discourage kids from running around stark naked in public but there has got to be a better way to do it than shaming a child. They’re going to have to deal with feelings of inferiority and self-doubt and shame soon enough, they don’t need to feel ashamed about their bodies when they’re 2.

Besides, if there’s anything I’ve learnt from parenting toddlers, it’s that they’re compulsive little people. It’s like they can’t help themselves. If they want to get naked, THEY WILL GET NAKED. We try to contain it and scramble to make them put their clothes back on but they will do it until they’re old enough to control their impulses. And they’re not doing it to be bad or intentionally flashing their penises at you to make you uncomfortable. They’re just compulsive and all we need to do is give them a little time to learn that their private parts should be kept private.

But you know what really gets me? When teachers or adults in positions of power do it, the kids under their care will think that it’s ok to “shame shame” their peers. The kids who are waiting for their turn to shower will see the naked kids and think it’s funny to point and say “eee, shame shame”. And maybe even laugh.

I’m all for being fully clothed in public. I mean, I do it all the time. But there are situations in life which requires us to get naked and showering is one of them. My kids don’t need to feel ashamed when they undress to bathe. And so what if they do a naked streak around the house right after their shower? I doubt they’re going to be doing it when they’re 14, so if this is the way they need to express themselves right now, I’m ok with that.

So now every time I shower the kids, I make it a point to tell them that they’re beautiful the way the are.

Today, when Kirsten got into the shower, she said, “I’m not shame shame, right? I’m beautiful!”

Damn right you are, princess.

photo credit: Lynn Davis

by Daphne

lists you should paste on your fridge, seriously somewhat serious

Being thankful for the little things

November 24, 2011

As I get older, I start to appreciate the value of thankfulness. On good days and bad days, for the big things and the little things.

I know it’s easier said that done because I used to hate it when kindly folks told me to be thankful for the little things on a monumentally bad day. If not for my immense self-control, I would have punched every single one of them in the liver.

I’m glad I didn’t because now I realize that the cliches are actually true and being thankful for the little things is strangely therapeutic, especially on difficult days.

So today, I’m thankful.

For walls that are covered with crayon scribbles because they could have easily been covered with permanent marker ink.

For embarrassing toddler questions because non-embarrassing ones are totally boring.

For sticky fingers that smear chocolate on my face because it usually comes with a juicy, chocolatey, slobbery kiss.

For poopy diapers because it means I don’t have to deal with constipation.

For toys that are strewn all over the living room because sometimes I get to play with it too.

For tiny clothes that are strewn all over the living room because come on, tiny clothes are cute anywhere.

For dishes to clean and clothes to wash and toys to pack because I’m um, masochistic.

For incessant high-pitched toddler whines because… ok, this is pushing it a little. How about for ear plugs that drown out the annoying toddler whines?

For goodnight kisses and morning cuddles because it makes up for everything else I have to put up with.

For every single day that I get to stay home with the kids and watch them discover the world.

Happy thanksgiving!

by Daphne

seriously somewhat serious, unqualified parenting tips

Halloween – Fun or Frightening?

October 21, 2011

Halloween.

It didn’t use to be this huge back when we were kids. I remember reading books about Halloween and watching movies with kids trick or treating and feeling totally bummed that we didn’t have it here. I mean, dressing up as my favorite character and going door to door to get candy, that’s almost as good as tearing open presents on Christmas morning. Ok, we do have Chinese New Year where we got real money instead of candy but in exchange, we had to all dress up in red like an ang pow and carry oranges around.

In recent years though, Halloween celebrations seem to be catching on. We still don’t do much trick or treating because the aunty next door would probably stare open-mouthed before giving the kids an awkward pat on the head and shooing them out the door. But Halloween parties are a lot more common these days and Singaporeans are putting in the effort to dress up for a themed party – that’s a big deal in my books.

So considering that we’re sort of new to this Halloween thing, it’s understandable that parents are a bit iffy about the whole shebang. Like all of a sudden, there are vampires and skulls and mummies (not the good kind) and fake blood – it’s all a lot to take in.

I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember and coming from a Christian perspective, I understand why Halloween celebrations are seen as pagan and evil. I’m not a huge fan of the macabre myself because my tolerance for the dark arts are limited to um, Indiana Jones. I watched Lord of the Rings and when the dark riders appeared, I freaked out. I read Edgar Allan Poe once and I couldn’t sleep for days. I had to finish Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein for a Literature class and I made the husband (then boyfriend) hold my hand as I read. I closed my eyes the whole time during the Haunted Mansion Ride in Disneyland. I don’t do horror shows or search for adventure in haunted houses.

I also am very careful with exposing my kids to scary stuff. They don’t have the maturity to deal with gory images at the moment and we believe that it’s our job to shelter them till they’re mature enough to deal.

But that being said, I’m ok with Halloween.

Just like I’m ok with Chinese Lion Dance performances (traditionally a pagan exercise to ward off evil spirits). And the Mid Autumn Festival (which celebrates Lunar Worship). If you think about it, there are a lot of similarities between them.

They carve pumpkins into Jack-O-Lanterns, we carry lanterns to pay respects to the moon.

They dress up as various characters to ward off evil spirits, we put on a lion head and dance around to ward off evil spirits.

They eat candy, we eat mooncakes.

Same thing.

I’m not saying that I agree with the philosophy behind it but all these traditions are culturally bound and to write it all off as evil seems a bit harsh. The truth is that cultures evolve and some of these symbols no longer hold the same significance as it did a hundred years ago. But yet we still do it because it’s part of our history and it’s something that brings us together. Which is great because we get to eat mooncakes even if we’re not moon worshippers.

A good friend once told me that just because it’s potentially dangerous to eat fish in case we swallow a bone and die, we shouldn’t avoid it altogether. Fish is awesome so just eat the fish and spit out the bones. In other words, there’s no need to condemn something just because we don’t agree with some parts of it.

If my friend is throwing a harmless Halloween-themed party, I’d let my kids attend as long as they’re not going to have vampires jump out of coffins and chase them while they’re eating. It’s a time to get together and dress up and eat candy and have fun so if it’s in the name of Halloween, that’s fine by me. I let the kids watch Lion Dance performances in school and if they come back jumping around pretending to be a lion, that fine by me. The kids eat lots of mooncakes and that’s fine by me.

And come on, we can’t the shelter the kids forever. There’s lot of evil in the world and they’re going to know it sooner or later. I’d much rather that they know of the existence of bad stuff and develop the maturity to deal with it than to pretend it doesn’t exist only for them to find out from a friend’s friend’s neighbor. Our job is to raise them right so that when they’re inevitably exposed to the bad stuff, they’re equipped to know it’s bad and avoid it.

All I’m saying is if you’re not comfortable with Halloween, that’s cool. And if you are, that’s also cool.

On a semi-related note, my sister just sent me these hilarious pics from the scariest Haunted House attraction in the world. (warning on the link – it is a haunted house attraction)

by Daphne

seriously somewhat serious

Daddy I miss you

June 20, 2011

I’ve never written much about my dad on the blog, except for this one tribute that I did for him a while back. Partly because it’s too personal and too painful. Also because talking about it just makes it seem so real again. 5 years on and I still fall apart when I talk about my dad for more than 2 minutes so the husband knows that all conversations relating to my dad should finish within a minute or so, or he brings out the tissues.

Like from time to time, I’ll say “I miss my dad. He would have loved the kids to bits.” and he’ll say “I know. I miss him too.” Then silence. And right about the 1-minute and 58-second mark, while I still have some semblance of composure, I’ll say something like “We should watch X-men tonight…the reviews are stunning.”

This Father’s Day, I thought about him a lot. Mostly about how nice it would be to be able to give him a call to say Happy Father’s Day. And make him another of my limited edition but truly appalling personalized cards he used to love to much.

I miss how he used to be my biggest fan. He would laugh heartily at all my jokes even when no one else got them. He thought I was brilliant and got more indignant than I did when I didn’t make it into law school (even though Comm Studies turned out to be a much better fit). He told me I was beautiful when I was 15, had bad hair and an even worse fashion sense. He would give me a kiss, pray for me and say “daddy loves you” every morning before he left for work. When I was 16 and had my heart broken for the first time, he took me out for lunch and said “life is like taking buses. When one bus leaves, a better one always comes along.” It was cryptic and awkward because I thought I kept the boyfriend pretty secret but secretly, I was glad he knew and he was there for me.

He always said I was special and he was proud that I was his girl.

When I was 22, he got diagnosed with colon cancer. With 2 surgeries and several rounds of aggressive chemotherapy, he did get better for a while but 2 relapses seemed too much for him and when I was 24, he passed away on the year he was supposed to turn 50.

People would say comforting things like how he’s in a better place, and at least we had time to prepare for it and say goodbye. But honestly, none of it made me miss him less or make the pain go away. It seemed terribly unfair that he didn’t get to walk me down the aisle. Or be there to hold the grandkids who would have stolen his heart and wrapped it around their little fingers. Or be around to have dinner and ask me about my day.

Well-meaning folks told me that I should be thankful I had an awesome dad for 24 years, and the amount of awesomeness packed into those 24 years should be enough to last a lifetime. Maybe they’re right and people shouldn’t deserve to have that much daddy awesomeness. Or it’s baloney and maybe life is sometimes just plain unfair for taking away the things that make you happy. And I’d have to remind myself that even when bad things happen, God has a plan and everything is going to be ok.

It’s funny how even though I’m now a mom, I still miss being a daddy’s girl. I think that’s something that will never go away.

by Daphne

motherhood, not feeling so supermom, seriously somewhat serious

Stopping to smell the roses

May 26, 2011

The amazing thing about parenting is that I learn more from them than they learn from me. Sure, I teach them basic stuff like how to do the poopsie in the toilet and identify different flower species. But in return, they teach me far more important lessons like how to stop and smell those flowers.

Yesterday, we spent some time on the swing set downstairs during our usual playground session. I showed her how to close her eyes and throw back her head while in motion to feel like she was flying.

She practiced a few times, then beamed and said “I’m happy, mommy.”

Momma’s happy too, sweetheart.

by Daphne

seriously somewhat serious

Learning to deal

May 25, 2011

Frankly, it’s been a pretty crappy couple of days we’ve had since Friday. Having gone through my share of difficult days, I’ve developed a very handy chart to help deal with the awfulness. They work like 37% of the time.

Mildly irritating days you wish you can swat away like a pesky fly ==> nice long bath
Things that don’t seem to go right days ==> extra large bubble tea
Murphy’s Law is laying it on really thick days ==> hours of funny or die fun
Probably the worst day of my life ==> tragic Korean melodramas to remind myself that other people do have it a lot worse and I should really stop whining

If you must know, this was of the DEAR GOD PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY BEFORE I EAT MY OWN ARM variety, which basically kicks the behind of every other crappy day I’ve ever had. This is the kind of day that requires a whole new level of dealing.

1. Repeated viewings of the crazy nastyass honey badger. Because we can all learn a bit of tenacity from this little guy. After the 35th viewing, I’m all psyched up like “come on cobra, that the best you got? you better bring it because I’ll be having your ass for breakfast tomorrow.” FYI, you probably want to skip this step if you’re uncomfortable with um, strong language.

2. Repeated viewings of Rocky. I really don’t need to explain this, unless you’ve never watched Rocky, then my only explanation is that you really should watch it.

3. Repeated viewings of my kids doing the Sally Sally Lom Chiam Pas. Because it reminds me that these 2 little humans are worth more than anything else in the world and they make the crappiest of days much less crappy.

They say bad days don’t last forever but sometimes, it feels like it does. And when it feels that way, we just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other until those bad days get gradually better. Fun times.

by Daphne

seriously somewhat serious

Japan Hour

March 14, 2011

We have Japan to thank for a lot of things: ramen, Kobe beef, MSG, J-pop, Playstation 3, Final Fantasy, Takeshi Kaneshiro, ninjas and all things kawaii. On account of their ramen alone, I already am eternally grateful to the Japanese. These guys know their way around noodle soup.

Here in Singapore, we’re fortunate enough not to know what it’s like to experience an earthquake. Or a tsunami, for that matter. At home, the flooding in Orchard Road is about as close as it gets to a natural disaster, so we’re thankful. But there are folks who’ve had to brave a magnitude 8.9 earthquake and they’re doing all they can to get their lives back the way it used to be.

I know we can’t all be there to help but in addition to our thoughts and prayers, we can send some help their way right from the comfort of our earthquake-free homes. There are several sites that are receiving donations for disaster relief efforts in Japan and whatever little we can give will go a long way.

If you prefer an option closer to home, Groupon Singapore is having a deal of the day where they will be giving 100% of your donations to the Red Cross to support emergency relief efforts in Japan. You can use your credit cards or paypal account to donate, which is about as hassle-free as possible. Seriously, we can all help a little.

by Daphne

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