seriously somewhat serious

As parents, whether we’re aware of it or not, comparing is something we do quite a lot.

We compare parenting styles, our kids’ developmental progress, the coolest baby gear, the places we visit, the amount of fun we’re having with our kids. Which in itself is not a bad thing, until it messes with our heads and makes us less happy with what we have.

Somewhere, someone’s kid is smarter, cuter and better behaved than ours. They’re wheeling their tots around in the Aston Martin Silver Cross pram. They’re traveling to Norway so their kid can take a photo of the Aurora Borealis. They’re doing all the stuff we didn’t think we wanted to do until they did it and suddenly, we’re like “GOOD HEAVENS MY LIFE WOULDN’T BE COMPLETE WITHOUT THAT.”

And then we look at our lives and feel like what we have is about as awesome as a partially blind ferret who’s also missing several toes.

Being happy with what we have is a learned response. It doesn’t require having the best stuff or even more stuff for that matter. We’ve got what we’ve got and sure, we can (and should) try to do better. But for now, all we need to do is look at what we have and just be happy.

This. This is my happy.

Today’s post is totally serious and a little long so you’re welcome to come back tomorrow instead for something fun. Tomorrow’s post will be fun. 

***

I often hear about women describe their breastfeeding experience as a fulfilling and enjoyable one. They talk about how much they love the bonding session and how warm and fuzzy it makes them feel.

I’ve never had that.

For me, breastfeeding feels like I’m sinking into a dark hole after getting punched in the gut.

Initially, I thought it was post natal depression but I started to realize that this terrible feeling of dread only came whenever I was breastfeeding. And after some research, I found out that it’s a condition called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER).

It’s basically a feeling of dysphoria caused by a drop in dopamine whenever milk is released. For most women, this dopamine drop is barely noticeable but in cases of D-MER, the sudden drop causes a negative emotional reaction that lasts until the dopamine levels re-stabilize. It’s a reflex (like a knee-jerk reaction), which consistently happens every time I experience milk letdown. And because it’s a physiological response instead of a psychological one, it’s not something I can rationalize away by using mind over matter techniques. It just happens.

The good news is that the feeling doesn’t last long. It hits me for about 30 seconds right before each round of Milk Ejection Reflex (MER) and goes away once the milk starts to flow. The not so good news is that I usually get 3-4 rounds of MER per breastfeeding session so that’s about 30 rounds of dysphoria a day.

For quite a while, I had no idea how to deal with this because it’s not a common condition and not many people talk about it. It was like I was the only one who felt inexplicably sad and down while breastfeeding. I thought I was sinking into depression and falling into a deep dark hole I could never get out of.

With Kirsten, I struggled with it a lot. It didn’t help that I was physically, emotionally and mentally stretched to the limit trying to handle a 13-month-old Truett and a newborn on my own.

This time with Finn, knowing exactly what it is helps me to deal. When I feel the familiar sense of dysphoria creeping up on me, I take a deep breath, brace myself and wait for it to be over. Latching on directly also helps because being able to hold baby Finn and run my fingers across his little cheeks somehow makes the depression a little less depressing. Other times, I try to distract myself by watching reruns of Whose Line Is It Anyway on Youtube, surfing the net or listening to happy music.

Occasionally, despite all the mental pep talk, I start breastfeeding and I feel like I’m slipping into the dark and twisty hole again.

On those days, I get help with Finn so I can sleep in for another 3 hours. Or just get out of the house for a cup of bubble tea and a cupcake. Or spend some time snuggling with the bigger kids, laughing and telling bedtime stories.

One way or another, I’m learning to cope.

Ok, I’ve read your comments and I hear what you’re trying to say. I even agree with a lot of them, except those calling me awful names, obviously.

Like most of you, I believe in integrity and truth and justice and accountability.

The fundamental difference is that you’re working on the assumption that the five accused individuals are guilty. We’re not.

Pastor Kong Hee has asserted that he maintains his integrity.

In addition, the church has responded to the allegations, stating that “The S$24 million, which went to investment bonds, was returned to the church in full, with interest. We didn’t lose the S$24 million, nor did we lose another S$26.6m as alleged and no personal profit was gained by the individuals concerned.”

Yes, I know everyone is calling for evidence. There’s nothing we would like more than to present out side of the story and back it up with evidence. But as criminal charges are now before the court and will be subject to adjudication by the court, presenting our case at this point would constitute subjudice. So these five individuals are being portrayed by the media as guilty without given a chance to defend themselves.

In accordance with the law, we will be allowed to present our case and make our defence in due time, which we will.

I’m not asking for your support. Neither am I asking you to agree with everything we believe in. I’m not even going to ask you to stop calling me bad names. All I’m asking for is justice and fairness. That you consider the possibility that these five accused individuals are innocent. To give truth a chance and let the evidence speak for itself.

By now, everyone seems to have an opinion (or a few) on City Harvest Church, Pastor Kong Hee, the Crossover Project and the legion of brainwashed followers. There are a lot of allegations flying around – the main ones being greed (for the leaders) and stupidity (for the followers).

Yesterday, I walked past the newsstands and this case made the front page for every local newspaper. Last checked, we’ve also made most of the International titles and social media looks like it’s about to explode from all the updates about CHC.

That’s pretty epic.

I’m one of those hardcore followers, if you will.

I’ve been in City Harvest Church for the past 15 years and this church, the Pastors, the friends and family, they’ve changed my life. I know that sounds very cultish so let me try to break it down a little. We don’t worship Pastor Kong or any of the leaders and we have no illusions that they’re deities or saints or demigods. On some level, we’re all just a bunch of Christians who believe in a cause and are trying to make a difference in our community. None of us are perfect but we are trying our best to be better and do better for the people around us.

On that same token, having seen all that the Pastors and leaders have done for us over the past 15 years, it’s hard not to love and respect them the way we do. City Harvest Church members may seem fanatic and possibly a little crazy but if you’d just take the time to chat with them a little and hear their stories, you’d maybe understand why we’re this passionate.

There’s no way I’ll be able to summarize everything in a blog post but suffice to say that without this church and its leaders, I wouldn’t be who or where I am today. They’ve been there for me at the lowest points of my life, shown me love and support without asking for anything in return and believed in me when no one else did. For that, I’ll always be grateful and that’s the reason why we sow our lives and time and money into making a difference in someone else’s life.

Come hell or high water, I’m proud to be a City Harvest Church member.

Now, moving on to the allegations.

First of all, what I don’t understand is the vitriol and venom that’s coming from all the people who’ve never given a single cent to the church. Unlike other charities, the church has never once solicited funds from the public and all the money has come in from church members who believe in a cause and gave out of their own free will. Maybe you’re indignant that we’re dumb enough to be bamboozled into giving our money (which is hardly the case), but even if so, does it warrant this outcry from the angry mob?

I mean, I don’t come into your family and lambaste you for how you’re spending your money. If you decide to build your kids a bowling alley in your basement, that’s your right. Or if you decide to splurge on a Breitling for your dad, or a Prada bag for your second grandaunt’s cousin’s daughter, that’s entirely up to you.

Initially, I got really upset at all the inflammatory attacks and veiled derogatory digs popping up on various social media platforms, but at this point, I’m fine taking the hits. I guess if it gives you a sense of moral and intellectual superiority to post your snide remarks and mean jokes, then it’s your prerogative, post away.

Call us brainwashed, call us fools, call us whatever, that’s ok. Sticks and stones, you know.

That being said, I am incredibly encouraged by the show of solidarity and tenacity among the church members I consider my family. And don’t for one moment mistake this loyalty for blind faith. A lot of these so-called fools are some of the brightest minds I have ever met and we’ve done our due diligence by digesting all the facts and allegations. I’ve gone through the MCYS inquiry multiple times, read the news articles, and amassed as much information as I could from all sides.

Do I know every single detail? No. But I know enough to make an informed decision and here’s my take.

I have absolute trust in the fact that none of the money was embezzled for personal gain. I believe in the Crossover Project and there was certainly no intent to deceive, as had been alleged. Pastor Kong and all the other 4 individuals on trial have not breached the trust of the church members.

I make no apologies for giving every dollar that we gave and we will continue to do so knowing that the funds will not be misused.

City Harvest Church is my family. It has been for the last 15 years and I don’t think anything will ever change that.

UPDATED: City Harvest Church responds to allegations.

UPDATED x2 : Innocent Until Proven Guilty

Ok, the radio silence is officially over. It’s generally been a rough couple of days and much time has been spent trying to find myself. I didn’t quite achieve that but I did manage to find my missing favorite top and a bunch of lost toys under the bed. At this point, I consider it a small success.

Thank you for all the love and hugs and kind emails, you guys are awesome. Please don’t ever change.

I’m still in the midst of figuring things out but at the very least, I’ve decided that I’m not going to let the bad stuff that happens to me define who I am. I can’t say that I’ll succeed but I am sure as hell going to try.

PS. It’ll be back to regular programming next week, I promise. Have a great weekend, y’all!

It’s taken me 31 days into the new year to get my resolutions done and after mulling over it for an entire month, I’ve come up with a grand total of 1 resolution. I know, I astound myself with my productivity sometimes. Well, here it is.

DO THE DIFFICULT THING. 

Let me preface this by saying that having to do the difficult thing sucks. That’s why it’s called the difficult thing.

Nobody wakes up one morning and says “Aha, today, I’m going to make my life more difficult. I’m supposed to wrestle a minotaur, but that’s too easy. Let’s get that minotaur really upset first by stealing her baby and while we’re at it, throw in a second hungry minotaur that hasn’t eaten for 2 weeks.”

Unless you’re that sort of person, then much respect to your badassery.

But not me. I’m naturally predisposed to doing the easy thing. In fact, the easier, the better. Which is why I spend so much time lying on the floor while pretending to play with the kids. I like to ease into things, tackle the easy stuff first before working up the nerve to do something more intense, all the while hoping that the difficult thing will magically disappear and I’ll end up not having to do it after all.

Except that the difficult thing is always going to be sitting there mocking us till we get it done. And the longer we leave it, it gets bigger and more difficult. Sometimes, I accumulate so many difficult things to do that it just starts to look impossible.

Until we decide to just do it.

Take a deep breath, have a coffee, then grab the minotaur by the horns and wrestle the shit out of it.

So this year, I’m doing it the other way around. Do the difficult thing first. Get the hard work out of the way before doing the lying on the floor thing. Or as we Chinese like to say, First Bitter, Then Sweet.