quizzical

One of the first few questions people ask me when they see baby Finn is “Who does he look like?”

Frankly, I can’t decide.

Some days I think he looks like Tru but then I see him next to Kirsten and I can totally see the resemblance. Strangely enough, Truett looks nothing like Kirsten and Finn’s features seem to be a combination of both of them.

I think this calls for a vote. What do you guys think?

With all this talk of ministerial salaries going around, it’s easy to see how one’s worth is very much pegged to the amount of money they earn every month. On that count, stay home moms are either the most undervalued bunch or the most worthless because we get paid a grand total of $0.

Yes, I know it’s a choice we made. Yes, we get to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. Yes, we get to spend all that precious quality time with our kids instead of having to slog it out in the office. And no, we don’t have a right to whine and moan about it.

But yet we can’t stop going on and on about how we’re in fact taking on 25 jobs and should be paid a truckload of money. The truth is, we’re not really asking people to pay us for the work we do. It’s just nice to feel valued once in a while and coming up with imaginary paychecks help make us feel better about ourselves.

So we give ourselves fancy titles like personal chauffeur, private chef, financial controller, chambermaid and counselor. But then the real private chefs get upset because ok let’s face it, stuffing a box of mac & cheese into the microwave hardly counts as gourmet chef-fing.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post. If you really want to justify your pay, you’ve got to do it right. And this quiz will help determine if you should in fact be paid all that money you claim to deserve.

Give yourself $500 for every time you answer A, $200 for B and $50 for C.

1. Culinary Aptitude

a) No, seriously, I am a private chef. I mean, look at me sous vide the hell out of this foie gras in exactly 47 minutes while I grill the filet mignon to perfection.

b) Ok kids, for lunch today, you have a choice between porridge with fish, porridge with chicken or porridge with vegetables.

c) I can pour milk into cereal without spilling and I’m really good at microwaving things.

2. Driving Skills

a) I always carry around a cup of water and a piece of tofu in my car because I can do the Jay Chou drift without spilling a drop of water or smashing the tofu.

b) I can get from point to point safely in good time.

c) Other drivers are always honking and making hand gestures at me. And these roads are so confusing, I can never find my way around.

3. Fashion Styling

a) My kids look like this.

b) My kids look like this.

c) My kids look like this.

4. Cleaning Prowess

a) Dust? What dust? My house is scrubbed and sterilized 3 times a day. It’s so clean I can perform surgery in my living room.

b) I vacuum twice a week and do the laundry every other day.

c) I think my kid just swallowed a hairball but that’s ok, it’ll come out the other end.

5. Teacher, teacher!

a) I have a PhD in early childhood education and I can teach in 5 languages, including Latin, Aramaic and Japanese.

b) I can handle basic phonics and math. After all, I did make it through 16 years of formal education.

c) This education thing is overrated and I don’t see the point of learning to spel.

6. Poop Cleaning

For voluntarily touching another human being’s poop with your hands, everyone deserves $500.

7. Private Entertainment 

a) I can act, sing, dance, do cartwheels and eat fire. In fact, I used to do it for a living.

b) Nobody has ever paid to hear me sing but I can hold a tune fairly well.

c) Whenever I sing to the kids, they cry even louder.

8. Art Classes

a) I sculpted a replica of Michelangelo’s David in my backyard, where it stands next to the Mona Lisa painting I did.

b) I can make little art pieces with glue and construction paper.

c) Why spend all that time cutting and gluing when I can print out coloring sheets for the kids on my laser printer?

You’ve probably done 257 of these quizzes by now, hoping that the answer every single time is YES. Even parents who say they don’t care do these quizzes *for fun*, secretly hoping that the answer is that their little precious is smarter than Einstein and Megamind rolled into one.

I once did a quiz that said my child is above average and I was infuriated. ABOVE AVERAGE??!! What do you mean above average? What kind of a quack quiz is this? My kids falls into 1 of 2 categories: Super Smart Genius Prodigy or So Brilliant It Will Make Your Brain Explode. Above average doesn’t even begin to describe their toenails.

And then I decided never to visit that site again.

So after some research, I’m making my own quiz to make myself feel better. Feel free to participate.

Add or subtract points for each statement that you agree with below. 

1. My child can draw a straight line at 18 months. (Add 5 points)

2. My child can speak in full sentences by age 2. (Add 10 points)

3. My child goes for “Unleash Your Inner Brainiac” lessons twice a week. (Subtract 50 points. Cheating.)

4. My child bakes cupcakes for homeless people (Subtract 25 points. Showing off)

5. My child can converse in 6 different languages, including sign language and the sonic chanting in E-flat by the Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains. (Add 100 points)

6. My child can spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. (Add 5 points)

7. My child can pronounce Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis backwards. Twice. (Subtract 10 points. Who does that??)

8. My child can play Beethoven: Sonata Hammerklavier opus 106 entirely from memory. (Add 1o points)

9. My child can sit through someone playing Beethoven: Sonata Hammerklavier opus 106 without falling asleep. (Add 25 points)

10. This is ridiculous. My child can come up with a better genius quiz than this. (Add 500 points)

Tune in for the next quiz: Should I be spending this much time doing quizzes?

Or if you want to try more quizzes now, check out this and this. 

Ah, the other big question. Your kids are finally out of the random screaming-through-the-night phase and you’re in a good place, sort of. Inevitably, you start missing the newborn baby smell and the way a baby feels just right in the nook of your elbow instead of the gangly limbs that are sticking out awkwardly with your toddler.

When that moment comes, it’s important to know if you’re truly ready to have another child or you’re better off stealing someone else baby for all of 3 minutes.

Add or subtract points for every statement that you can agree with below:

1. The smell of newborns make me feel warm and fuzzy. (Add 10 points)

2. I’m missing the glow of pregnancy. (Add 10 points)

3. I sometimes hold a sack of rice like a baby and sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” to it. (Add 20 points)

4. I sometimes feed my kids cornflakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. On the same day. (Subtract 25 points)

5. I’ve got all this spare time sitting around taking afternoon naps and watching Gilmore Girls reruns. (Add 30 points)

6. One time, I forgot to bring back one of my children because I couldn’t remember how many I had. (Subtract 500 points)

7. I have enough kids to form a soccer team (Add 300 points – for having superpowers)

8. I can go for 2 weeks without bathing or sleeping. (Add 50 points)

9. I need more kids to help run this family business that I’m starting. (Subtract 100 points – wrong reason to have kids)

10. I need more kids to get $18,000 in baby bonus and CDA top ups. (Add 250 points – great reason to have kids)

11. I’m allergic to children. (Subtract 20 points)

12. Screaming babies make me want to tear off my own arm. And eat it. (Subtract 100 points)

13. I’m big on baby kisses and snuggles. (Add 50 points)

14. I enjoy being pooped, barfed and spat on. (Subtract 50 points – go speak to your therapist before you continue)

15. Ok, there are 2 lines on my pregnancy test kit. (Burn all the points and go celebrate. Congratulations, you’re as ready as you’ll ever be.)

Quizzes seem to be all the rage of late so here’s one for all the moms who aren’t sure if they should be taking the plunge into the magical world of stay-home motherhood.

This conundrum has troubled moms ever since the first woman decided to put on her working clothes and infiltrate the working world. Now more than ever, mothers have to decide whether to maximize the degree by going out and earning an income or giving it all up for their little bundles of joy.

Seeing that I have first-hand experience on this particular topic, I’ve developed a very scientific quiz to help you along.

Give yourself 2 points for every time you answer A, 1 point for B and 0 points for C. Here we go.

1. Do you enjoy getting yelled at just for fun?

a) Love it!

b) Sometimes, I guess.

c) I have a tendency to send a flying kick to the jaw when I get yelled at.

2. Are you good at talking to yourself all day?

a) It’s something I’ve done since childhood with my imaginary friend Pooky.

b) Only if I’ve had enough vodka.

c) I point and laugh at anyone who talks to themselves.

3. Describe your poop-cleaning abilities.

a) Legendary – can do it with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back.

b) Decent – good enough to survive.

c) Do I look like I will come within 50 metres of poop in these Louboutins?

4. How do you usually tackle a screaming toddler?

a) With a stern look and a word or warning.

b) With some gummies and a little compromise.

c) With an uppercut and a smackdown.

5) Do you have some reserves stashed away in the Cayman Islands?

a) I also have some in Switzerland and an aluminium pack in my freezer.

b) I’m conservative, just a regular bank account.

c) I prefer to spend my moolah, mostly on Louis Vuittons and Jimmy Choos.

6) How many days can you go without bathing and making the toilet?

a) My all-time record is 11 days, 6 hours and 47 minutes.

b) A day or 2, I suppose.

c) Are you kidding? Making the toilet is my special time in the day. Every day.

7. Do you mind if your child calls your maid mommy every once in a while?

a) I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a fork.

b) Not entirely keen on the idea but hey, that’s life.

c) You mean the maid’s name is not mommy?

Score:

10 to 14 points: Congratulations, this is your destiny. Time to tender that resignation and whip out those hair curlers.

5 to 9 points: Can’t really help you there. Could go both ways, you’d do well working or staying home with the kids.

1 to 4 points: Whatever you do, don’t quit that day job.

Tell me how you did!