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Why does it always rain on me

August 5, 2009

why does it always rain on me

Barely halfway into the week and I’m down with a bout of the flu. Granted, it’s been that kind of week that doesn’t seem to end, as opposed to the kind of week where I try to savor every moment. God, I haven’t had one of those for a long time. These days, it’s all like “drats, it’s Monday again” followed by a dramatically anguished sigh that Shakespeare would be proud of. Or he may just roll over in his grave. Which is kinda the same thing.

But I digress. After taking a beating by motherhood (x2) for two days, I think my body has just had about enough and started to go on strike. My immune system, I think it’s gone for a holiday in the Bahamas because I’ve subjected it to too much torture. It’s probably never going to come back. So the whole of yesterday, I felt the familiar beginnings of a flu and I got more depressed than ever. My throat was on fire and I was trying to hold back the sniffles so I wouldn’t pass on the germs to the kids (and also so that I wouldn’t get nagged at for falling ill during my confinement – which is a whole different issue altogether). I was so paranoid that I was scrubbing my hands every 5 minutes like Jack Nicholson from As Good As It Gets. Yeah, I love OCD.

And the nagging. So apparently, falling ill during the confinement is like the mother of all cardinal sins because according to the Chinese, all flu is caused by wind or water or some other bizarre elements. It’s got nothing to do with say, the friggin’ H1N1 bug skulking around the country world right now, or the fact that my immunity is understandably AWOL because I’ve been pulling 23 straight all-nighters. I can’t even curse the wind because it’s wind and it would probably come back and freeze my ass off at some point in the future.

So today, the kids are at my mom’s place taking refuge while I try to sleep off this bug. It’s such an irony though. Now that they’re not with me, I miss them like crazy and I wish I wasn’t ill so I could at least smother them with kisses. That always makes me feel better.

I’m all drugged up like a junkie and in a state of delirium so this will probably not make any sense and if you’re lost, just check back tomorrow when my head is less fuzzy and my hands have stopped trembling. Hopefully.

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motherhood

I need more hands

August 4, 2009
wonder-woman

two hands ain't enough even for Wonder Woman

Yesterday marked the first day I stayed home with the kids ALONE and all I could think of the whole day was OMG THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER DONE. No seriously, it’s no joke. First of all, I only have 2 hands, and technically, I suppose Wonder Woman could carry a child in each hand, but for me, it’s a physical impossibility. It’s at the moments when I have 2 kids clamoring for attention that I wish I had some spare limbs sticking out from my ass.

Ever since the delivery, I’ve had help from my mom, my in-laws and even a friend who offered to watch Tru for a whole day so I could spend some time alone with Kirsten. Yesterday, I decided it was time to go it alone. Did I already say it was tough? It’s like one non-stop, never ending party.

When I was taking care of 1 kid, I thought it was hard work, but on retrospect, it’s a walk in the park and I can totally do it with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. With 2 babies, I have double the diapers to change, double the baths, double the feeds and a million times the insanity. There’s no such thing as a breather and I almost peed in my pants because I didn’t even have time to run to the toilet. Guess that’s what adult diapers are for.

I used to look at mothers who can raise multiple kids alone without and help and wonder how they do it. Perhaps they’re a new breed of X-men with extra limbs tucked neatly in their clothes or they can split themselves into two or they can move at the speed of light or they’ve got a bunch of Oompa Loompas stashed in their storeroom. But I discovered the secret yesterday and I’m going to let you in on it.

It’s just a lot of hard work. These women are superheroes not because of some secret special powers but because they’re tremendously resilient. Because they somehow find it in them to give that little bit of extra. Because they make it work. And because when all else fails, there’s always Xanax to the rescue. Or some bourbon.

For example, multitasking is a necessity. I can carry Kirsten with one hand and cook Tru’s lunch with the other. I can sing lullabies while bathing one kid. I can even blog while burping the baby. And I also learn to make use of all my body parts in ways I never thought possible. Like halfway while feeding Tru his lunch, Kirsten woke up crying for milk, so I propped her up on my leg and used my chin to hold the bottle in place so my hands were free to continue feeding Tru his porridge. Ingenius, I know.

On days like these, I just want to run and hide while sticking my fingers in my ears to drown out the screaming. I just wish I had some special powers. That would be so much easier.

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motherhood

Got Milk!

July 20, 2009

milk

In a series of unrelated events over the past few days, my breastfeeding attempts have taken a whole new turn.

1. THERE IS MILK!

With Kirsten in the hospital for phototherapy treatment for 3 days, I’ve been faithfully drinking the nasty papaya fish soup which smells like a shoal of rotten fish that’s left to decay for a month. At first, everyone thought it was an exaggeration, until I offered $5 to the husband to try it. Suffice to say, the puke-inducing look totally made my day.

I’ve slso been expressing milk every 3 hours (even at night, which is a huge sacrifice). Yesterday, the milk finally decided to come in and even though I’ve only got 5 ml after 30 mins, it was enough reason for me to do a victory dance.

2. Kirsten has become a milk drinking machine.

I don’t know what it is about my kids and food, but they can sure eat a lot. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Tru is insatiable, but I wasn’t prepared that my baby girl would be one cute little  eating machine that would beat him hands down.

During the 3 days she was in the hospital, she’s been consuming 100 ml every 3 hours. When Tru was her age, he could barely finish 40 ml. Scary, I know.

3. The first successful latch on

After many tries and a lot of crying, I finally managed to get Kirsten to latch on. I lasted about 15 minutes per side before she got really agitated. Couldn’t really blame her since I’m producing less than 10% of her feeding requirements.

So right now the plan is to feed her directly from the breast for as long as I can and then supplement with formula. At this point, she still needs another 80 ml of formula to fill her little tummy. Hopefully at some point, I’ll be able to completely eliminate the bottle.

One step at a time.

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motherhood

One day at at time

July 17, 2009

I feel like I’m in a dream, or a stupor. I’m watching myself  morphing into this person I can’t even recognize and I’m on the outside looking in, not able to do anything about it. I’ve totally lost my sense of humor, everything sucks big time and I’m reduced to a crying machine. Six months later, this might actually be funny on retrospect but right now, it’s just plain sickening.

The crying bouts are back with a vengeance and the husband’s catch phrase these days is “want to cry cry”? Which sounds retarded, but it will somehow trigger off the tears and I’ll start bawling away.

Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m crying about, but I must say it’s kinda cathartic. It’s a vicious cycle; I become totally irrational and start worrying that I’m a terrible mother and my kids are going to grow up dysfunctional and I’ll become a psychotic monster of a mother who will end up frazzled and crazy. Then I get pissed off with everything and after that I’ll get all guilty and hate myself.

But right after, I usually feel a lot better. For like a couple of hours until the next cry.

Just yesterday, I was spending time with Tru and suddenly it hits me, so I start crying uncontrollably. I think he knew that I’m crying, so he peered intently at me for like a full minute, then he climbed onto my lap and nuzzled his head on my chest. I’ve been feeling awful about not being able to spend time with him the past 4 days while I was in the hospital and all I could do was hold him and cry for a good 10 minutes.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to last the next 3 months. What with the exhaustion and stress and pain and breastfeeding problems and depression, it’s all I can do to get through one day at a time. It’s so bad that I’m actually considering some anti-depressants or medication to help with the hormones.

Every morning I wake up telling myself I just need to survive the day and everything will be fine. Just one more day.

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motherhood

Interview with the Vampire

July 16, 2009

16 July, 1630 hrs. Interviewed by Superdad who now looks like a terrorist with both his surgical mask and badass shades on. I feel compelled to give answers in the face of imminent death (by H1N1).

Q:  Its been 3 days since the arrival of Kirsten. Summarize your experience in a single word thus far.

A: Drained.

Q: Uh…alright let’s rephrase the question. Summarize your experience thus far, no word limit.

A: Tiring.

Q: Ahem, moving on. How was the whole labour process? 27 hours, no mean feat there.

A: Its not that fun. I was glad to get the baby out.

Q: Did you feel like it was a spiritual moment or something like that?

A: Not at all. It hurt a lot though. I am mostly just glad the baby is out.

Q: You’re known among close friends to want lots of kids. Has this experience changed any of that?

A: I may adopt.  From Africa or Vietnam. Maybe Vietnam. Yeah, Vietnam would be it.

Q: Why Vietnam?

A: It may be weird for me to have a black child.

Q: Baby Kirsten has jaundice and is back at the hospital. How do you feel about that?

A: I kinda miss her, but I’m glad I’m getting some time to rest. Which is terrible actually. Cos I’m not supposed to be happy that she’s not here. Of course, I’ll be happy if she was here too. I do miss her a lot. I’m not coherent, am I.

Q: You’re expressing milk through a breast pump as we conduct this interview- How’re those boobs coming along?

A: Not so good. I need to multitask. There’s nary a drop of milk. Zilch. None. I had to drink soup which smells of dead fish to get those milk ducts flowing, but there’s nary a drop. Zilch.

Q: How is Truett taking to Kirsten so far?

A: I think he is adjusting. He seems to be quite intrigued, but not particularly fond of her yet. I think he tried to headbutt her the other day. He probably needs a while. My stitches kinda hurt.

Q: Oh, yeah, those stitches..what’s the word..episiotomy? Any problems peeing?

A: Nope, but its hurts when I take a dump. I think I can keep it in for a week though, hopefully by which time it would be healed.

Q: Uh..okay. How are the baby blues? Cried a lot?

A: Well, I didn’t cry as much as the last time. Its hard to explain. A lot of it is irrational but..its very physical. I can feel the depression coming on pretty strong and it happens when i’m (attempting) to breastfeed or expressing milk. Or anytime of the day actually. Its a terrible feeling.

Q: What could possibly make you feel better right now?

A: Sleep. Emotional support. Bubble tea.

Q: Any inspirational last words for to-be-mothers out there?

A: Sleep now while you can. The end is nigh.

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motherhood

And so it begins

July 15, 2009
Motherhood seems deceptively easy

Motherhood seems deceptively easy

Postpartum is a real pain. I’ve been waiting to give birth for months and now that its over, I’m totally floored by it.

It’s been an insane couple of days. I’m still recovering from the trauma of childbirth and struggling with the breastfeeding (my boobs are still broken – 3 days and absolutely no milk) and I’m exhausted beyond description. Plus I can feel an all-too-familiar sensation of the baby blues creeping up on me. It’s deja vu all over again.

The weird thing is, I was actually expecting it in my head. I spent many sleepless nights preparing myself for it, but it’s different actually experiencing it. When it hits, I still feel overwhelmed.

And what are the odds that on the day I get discharged from the hospital, Superdad comes down with a 39.6 degree fever. With the dreaded H1N1 virus going around, he’s now quarantined at home like a leper, so me and the 2 kids are now banished from home. Good thing we’ve got a back up plan, and we’re taking refuge at my mom’s place for a few days until its safe to go back. Unless of course it is a case of H1N1, then we’ll have to send in the professionals to do a clean sweep of the house.

Right now, I’m just waiting for the madness to settle. I hope I’ll find my groove soon.

This is the point I tell myself “2 IS ENOUGH!“

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motherhood

Absolutely Priceless Mommy Moments

July 8, 2009

The one question that I ask myself everyday as a stay home mom is “WHY IN THE WORLD AM I DOING THIS?” Especially on particularly bad days where the house is a mess, I’ve got crazy hair and Tru is driving me up the wall, that question pops up at least 4-5 times. I could have been chilling out at a proper job, sipping my lattes and having some decent conversation with proper adults.

And if not for all the little moments that make me stop and go “awww…”, I probably wouldn’t have made it this far.

Here’s my list of Classic Moments as a Mom:

1. The way Tru giggles his head off at the most banal, mundane things like Mommy folding clothes or changing the sheets. Once in a while, he’ll even try to help.

2. Sometimes he’ll be all engrossed with his toys, but he’ll suddenly stop, look up and flash me a giant grin.

3. The look of delight and annoyance when I smother him with kisses. He’ll be all like “Moommm, I’m a big boy now… but here, you missed a spot”

4. When Tru wakes up in the morning, he’ll press his cheeks against mine and then start shouting in my ear.

5. No matter how much discomfort he’s in, he’ll still try to suck it up and bear with it.

6. The look on his face after he wakes up from a really long nap.

Classic

Classic

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