motherhood

1. A mommy time-out corner. Like a regular time-out corner, except it’s a place for mommies to send themselves to when the kids get out of control. Nobody is allowed to talk to me when I’m in my time-out corner, those are the rules. It’s also good for when I just want to hide out from the kids for a little while. Or maybe a long while.

2. A favourite hair stylist. I make an appointment with my hair person every 2 months or so and I always come back feeling better. I get to spend 2 hours browsing magazines and sipping tea in absolute peace and quiet while she helps get my ridiculous grey hair situation under control. Win-win.

3. Like-minded mommy friends. Mommies need mommy friends and that’s all there is to it. And not just any kind of mommy friends but the ones who know what it’s like being in the trenches. Mommy friends who don’t bat an eyelid when your toddler face-plants into the floor mid-conversation. Mommy friends who can give helpful mom-hacker tips. Mommy friends who don’t judge.

4. A pick me up. I have several. When things get rough, I head to the kitchen to pull a shot of nespresso. When things get really rough, I reach for my secret stash of bubble tea in the fridge. When things get crazily out of hand, I grab a spoon and eat some ice-cream right out of the tub like a badass ice-cream eater.

5. Exercise routine. Even if it’s once in a few weeks/months/years, it still counts as a routine, y’all. Maybe when the kids are all in primary school, I’ll join a gym with proper classes but for now, Jillian Michaels and me, we’re best buds.

6. A hobby. I used to have lots of hobbies when I was younger – shopping, sleeping, reading, playing the guitar, watching dramas, collecting records, cross-stitching (for real!), arranging music on my playlists, writing, taking pictures, playing basketball. These days, I often tell myself that I don’t have time for hobbies but I find that when I make time for it, my mind gets settled and I feel more fulfilled as a person. It’s a good feeling to have.

7. Dance break. Everyone needs a dance break every so often. When hiding out in my mommy time-out corner doesn’t work or when the kids are getting really unstoppable or when we’re all having a bit of a slumpy day, I put on some music and we all take a dance break. And then everyone feels better.

What’s on your list?

“Mom, I can’t do it, I’m not good at this,” Truett said as he tore out yet another sheet of paper from his notebook. He was trying to draw an angry bird (from the game and not bad tempered fowl in general) but he wasn’t getting it quite right.

I peered over to see a roundish lump that bore about as much resemblance to an angry bird as it did to my grandmother. Which is to say, none. I guess it was a relatively decent effort as far as lumps go, with a nice roundish lumpiness to it. But truth be told, it wasn’t spectacular. It wasn’t even a frame-on-the-wall level of artwork.

“It’s a good try, son. Look, there’s the beak right? And the eyes…” I said.

He was scratching his head the way he usually does when he’s frustrated. “I think I won’t draw anymore. You do it for me.”

It’s a familiar scenario. The kids are at an age where they want to attempt new stuff. Stuff that they want to learn but aren’t very good at yet. You know, like drawing and dancing and skating and singing. And because they struggle to pick up a new skill, they know their attempt isn’t quite good enough so they get frustrated and feel like they’re lousy at it.

I figured there are a few ways to deal with it.

1. Be the realist parent. “Um, yeah, that’s not very good. But hey, you’re just a kid so you’re not expected to be good at it anyway. Maybe you’ll be good at something else.”

2. Be the pessimist Asian parent. “Like that also donch know? Hopeless lah, you. Last time mommy 5 years old already know how to *insert random skill*. When you go to prammy school sure die.”

3. Be the overly enthusiastic parent. “You’re great at this. No, really, you’re like the Van Gogh of angry bird drawing. In fact, I bet when Van Gogh was 5, he drew a lump just like yours and called it The Angry Bird, which eventually became one of his lesser known but no less amazing works.”

Guess which one we go for? That’s right, the third one.

Wait, hang on. Ok I’m aware of how annoying it is when parents think that their kids can poop rainbows and are basically the most magnificent specimens of awesomeness in the entire universe. Which is why I generally refrain from bragging (or humble-bragging) about them to other people.

But with them, it’s different. We tell them often that they’re brilliant and incredible and out of this world kind of awesome. Because it’s our job to see the potential they have and it’s our job to tell them that they can do amazing things even though they’re not doing them just yet.

During their first time on skates, they spent more time crawling around on all fours than actually on the wheels, but we were all “You can do this, guys! Come on, you just need to try again and pretty soon, you’ll be skating like Tony Hawk.” Am I certain that they’ll be that good at skating? No, not really. But there’s a chance they could. They could be the next Einstein or Picasso or Phelps.

So I picked up Truett’s crumpled ball of paper and told him that it was a great try and all he needed was some practice to get really good at it. In fact, I’d hold his hand and we could draw it together for now.

Behold, our angry birds masterpiece.

I used to have a theory that the optimum age of cuteness for kids is between 2 to 4 years old. Ever notice that 3-year-olds get away with anything?

They do the boogie in nothing but their underwear? Maxed out cuteness.

Smear food all over their face and hair and furniture? Gross yet adorable.

Make politically incorrect observations about people? Hilarious.

Shred important work documents and try to eat them? Distressing but still cute.

Sure, they’re compulsive and prone to dramatic outbursts but their level of cuteness makes up for it. In fact, if I had a choice, I’d want the kids to remain toddlers forever. But because I still haven’t managed to invent the pill to make them stop growing, I have 2 kids who are rapidly outgrowing the cute and innocent toddler phase.

Truett has been telling me that he wants to be 10 years old like a big boy while I’m trying to hold on to his babyness for as long as I can. Ok who am I kidding, this kid has no more babyness to hold on to.

He’s crossed over into big boy territory sometime in the last year while I wasn’t looking and a part of me has been mourning that a little bit.

But then last night right around bedtime, I was getting Finn ready for bed when Truett came over to kiss him goodnight. What usually took 3 seconds somehow turned into an unexpected 30-minute conversation, just me and him. We talked about nothing or everything, depending on how you look at it. It wasn’t a life-changing conversation and I doubt either of us will remember it several years down the road but for the first time, I felt like I was having a proper conversation with my kid, one I really enjoyed. I didn’t have to consciously talk at his level or feel compelled to teach him something.

I realized that the kids are changing almost on a daily basis and at every stage, there’s a new discovery to be made and more fun to be had. I’ve got to embrace the change and enjoy the ride, whatever it brings.

Suddenly, cute seems overrated. I’m totally going to enjoy having a big boy.

There’s a lot of talk about having babies recently because it seems like there aren’t enough of them around in our country. Educated, working couples are putting off having babies and the question everyone’s asking is how we can get more couples to have more babies and have them earlier?

I obviously don’t have the answer to that but seeing that I’m sort of like the exception to the norm with 2 kids and 1 on the way, here’s my perspective.

First, target market.

The fact is not everyone wants kids. Some folks like to be single. Some like to be married without kids. Some don’t mind being near other people’s kids but never want to have any of their own. And some are just allergic to annoying, whiny children. Whatever the case, nobody should ever be compelled to have kids for the good of the nation. That’s insane. It’s too difficult, too painful, too time consuming and expensive to be forced upon anyone. If a couple doesn’t like kids or want to have them, there’s no amount of slick marketing campaigns or government initiatives that will change that.

Stop asking them to have babies and move on.

Because there are lots of couples who want to have kids young but can’t afford it and that’s where a little help can make a lot of difference. People like to say that throwing money at a problem doesn’t solve it. Well, actually, it sometimes does. And I think that our baby bonus and maternity leave schemes are a step in the right direction.

For a couple in their mid twenties who want to have kids but are struggling to make ends meet, having a child early seems like a financial impossibility. Offering $10,000 – $18,000 in cash and CDA matching contributions will be able to pay for the hospital bills, some basic necessities and cover a portion of the childcare fees, essentially making it possible for them to have kids 2-3 years earlier.

It’s not much compared to the $200,000 they will eventually spend over the next 21 years, but it helps them at a time when they need the help most. Sure, the baby bonus will run out in a couple of years but with upward social mobility, bonuses, promotions and pay increments, they will be more comfortable by then and better-equipped to cope with the added monthly cost of raising a child.

Of course there are the bigger social, economic and cultural issues at play. We have a long way to go before Singapore becomes family-friendly and achieves that elusive work-life balance we like to talk about, assuming that notion is even possible.

In a competitive, meritocratic society driven by market forces, something has got to give. Mothers can’t possibly take 4 months of maternity leave, knock off at 6pm sharp daily, require emergency childcare leave when their kids are ill and still expect to be at the top of their game in a corporate environment. Chances are, the promotions and performance bonuses will be given to someone who is able to put in the hours and do more for the company. Those are the rules and rightly so.

What the government can do is encourage work from home schemes and allow mothers some level of flexibility in their jobs so we can find an optimum middle ground we’re happy with, where we’re able to spend time with the kids while pursuing a decent career.

While we’re talking about changing mindsets, I think the biggest paradigm shift has to come from the individuals. If couples view having babies as a national duty, they will want to wait till the government makes it easy and convenient for them to do so. That will never happen. They may make it slightly easier by increasing the incentives, but it will never be enough.

So have kids because it’s something you want.

I had Truett at 26 and I’m not going to sugar coat it – it’s been incredibly tough. Sometimes, I look back and I don’t even know how we made it through. We were young, broke, inexperienced and barely able to take care of ourselves, much less another (very screamy and demanding) human being. We’ve had to give up stuff our peers could easily afford and make massive, inconvenient changes to our lives.

But (yes, there’s a but) it’s also been the best decision we made, which is why we have so many. It’s hard to explain to someone why having kids is as awesome as it is without sounding cheesy. They give us a reason to smile on the crabbiest of mornings, make all the sacrifice seem worth it and every single day, we feel like our lives are complete.

I think they call it love.