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A bucketful of dreams

March 30, 2010

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been doing this mommy gig for almost two years. As Tru approaches his second birthday, I can’t help but feel like time is slipping through my fingers without even noticing it’s gone,

Two years of living, sleeping, breathing, thinking of nothing else but the kids. It seemed like yesterday when I was still dreaming of the powdered peaks in Lake Tahoe and planning my career as a media person. I used to say that Singapore was too small for me. I dreamed of joining a PR firm in New York, going on a book tour, shooting a film, learning dance, maybe even writing a screenplay. I wasn’t going to spend my life doing the same thing in the same place until I got too old to bother trying something new.

Then kids came along. And for a while, I stopped dreaming. I was content, even happy to wake up every morning to my babies. Heck, I even managed to not leave the house for a whole year (except for a couple of hours every weekend). All I wanted to do everyday was to survive till nightfall, when I could sit back and breathe before a new day ambushed me.

I wasn’t counting on the kids growing up so fast. Every day, it gets a little bit less intense and they need me a little less. And to be honest, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do when they start going to school and getting married and starting their own families. I know that’s a long time away but this thing called time, it sneaks away from you. One day you’re 18 and unstoppable but before you know it, you’re left wondering what you did with all that time.

I love being a mom and I’d gladly spend the next 25 years kissing boo boos and telling stories and making fish fingers. But lately I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s not too late to dream again. When the kids are all grown up, I want to have something to call my own. Something that has a bit of my heart and soul. Something I can keep doing till I’m really, really old.

I’m not sure what that is yet, but at least, I’m trying to figure it out before it’s too late. So I’m starting a bucket list. And when I’m done with it, I’ll start another. And another. And another. And then, I’ll do one more.

1. Join the circus for a day

2. Build a life-sized snowman

3. Learn photography (with a proper DSLR camera)

4. Write for the New York Times

5. Do stand-up comedy even if nobody laughs

6. Spend a night in Yosemite

7. Hot air ballooning

8. Visit Israel and take a dip in the Dead sea

9. Watch a match at Old Trafford and scream myself crazy

10. Grow my own vegetables. In my own garden.

11. Shoot a short film

12. Start a beach bonfire and snuggle up all warm and cosy

13. Skinny dipping

14. Drive a formula one car

15. Publish a book

16. Travel for a year

17. Be a mascot in Disneyland

18. Ride a mechanical bull

19. Attend the Academy Awards

20. Follow a band on tour

21. Build a large ass sandcastle

What’s in your bucket list?

by Daphne

Father Inc, lists you should paste on your fridge, milestones & musings

and Dad’s why you make resolutions

February 1, 2010

Parenting requires a lot of resolve. Which is why parents, of all people, should make resolutions. (resolve – resolutions – root word, geddit?) Your approach may mean the difference between your child becoming a Hitler or a Ben Tennyson.

Here are my resolutions for 2010.

1. Must not refer to myself as Superdad.

Seriously guys, I’m totally overrated. I change a few diapers, take a couple of feeds and I get a prefix that implies overriding awesomeness and infinite ability? To me, a Superdad is someone who brings home the bacon – in a vehicle like this.

Honey, I'm home.

2. Must stop calling wife “retard” and “moron” (and vice versa – not in the sense of “must stop calling retards and morons ‘wife'”, but as in Daf should also stop calling me names, ah, you did get it the first time).

This started waaaaaay back in when we were first dating and we attended this “terms of endearment” course in school, the lecturer was going on about semantics, semiotics and how 80% of all communication is non-verbal. Which was to say you could call your honey-pumpkin “Nazi Puppy” if you say it in the most awshucks, sweety-pie-sixteen voice and STILL could make her goosebumps stand. You got to try it to believe it.

So in a totally non-derogatory sense we have been calling each other “hey moron“, “what’s up, retard” for years and people around us are so used to it, they think our marriage is on the rocks otherwise “Did you call her ‘sweetheart??’ Are you guys quarreling again?” Plus it *helps* put people at ease when they’re doing projects with us.

[Sidenote: Daf and I pulled of this awesome scam a few years back. We were introduced through a friend of ours to this lady and for some reason she immediately assumed we were siblings (as apparently, we both look alike, fair enough). This went on for almost a year and every single time this lady bumped into us she would go “Hey, why are you guys always together? You’re giving people the wrong idea, how to find girl friend and boyfriend, like that?”

We were having a meal one day with a bunch of friends and she couldn’t help but to remark again on our perpetual proximity to one another until a bewildered mutual friend went “What the hell are you talking about, they’ve been together for 4 years!”

Total awesomeness.]

Thing is Truett has been a sponge of late and taken to calling Daf “baaaaaaabbbbbeee” in the way i call her when she’s across the room/hallway/hawker centre from a distance. It’s only a matter of time – if we don’t stop – he’s gonna calling his friends mentally-handicapped individuals in the un-PC way. If people ask, I’ll say something along the lines of how the nurses at Mt A thought he had failed the Oscar test and mentioned it to him repeatedly when he was under phototherapy. Poor boy.

3. Must stop grinning and nodding approvingly when child does something awesome (but dangerous).

I’m a firm believer that parents should always think their kids are the most awesome (I know, i overuse the word. It’s an “honorable mention” sort of resolution to cut down on it) creatures to have roamed the earth, the finest species of mankind ever produced and vastly superior to all other children be it red or yellow black and white.

But when Tru attempts to fling himself off a 2m high platform and lands immaculately with a shoulder roll (that’s *how* parachutists do it, mate), one must not get carried away with thoughts of son being the incarnate of Maximus Decimus Meridius and do celebratory chariot race around the playground with him on piggy back.

That is because he may actually get injured or worse, die, although I do think its more important that what you do in life echoes in eternity!!

4. Must not play Winning Eleven/Football Manager/FIFA and leave kids unattended.

When you become a parent, you basically surrender all rights to personal rest and recreation. No afternoon naps, no late mornings, no movies, no GAMING.

So on the off-chance I get presented with the opportunity to cradle a Playstation 3 controller in the bosom of my fatherly being (ok, yucky expression), i unleash the repressed desires of my sub-thirty-year-old consciousness to get my GAME ON.

This happens on the weekly visit to Mother-in-law’s house, because Brother-in-law (BIL), despite being only a year younger, is very much single, certainly kidless, free from the shackles of feeds and woggly baby legs. As such his status enables him to be the proud owner of the holy trinity of gaming consoles – the PS3, the XBOX 360 and the Nintendo Wii.

The ideal is when everybody is around i.e. the adult to baby ratio readjusted to a favourable 5:2 whereby I get to play reasonably undisturbed. The problem only arises in a 2:2 ratio where it becomes a rather iffy situation if the 2 adults are in question BIL (player 1) and “superdad” a.k.a player 2.

BIL has a rather nifty stereo system hooked up to the gaming “altar” so it drowns out the sound of screaming kids in the adjacent room, not that I *ever* did that. I’m just saying it y’all.

5. Must not buy toys that promote either 300 B.C or 2010A.D violence.

It started off innocuously with two water pistols which i thought would be handy in giving me some added range for taking down those pesky ceiling lizards. However it also marked the introduction of “pulling the trigger”, “aiming”, and “shooting to KILL” to a nineteen-month old boy.

A visit to a friend’s house not too long after became the initiation to swords, then maces then death-by-steamrolling and finally, chainsaws. I’m not even joking about the use of chainsaws; without going into the details it was a game of “doctor” gone wrong – horribly wrong.

Therefore, Truett and Kirsten will play with cuddly bears, petite trucks and vegetarian dinosaurs at most. That way they may secure a job in the United Nations or Green Peace. And we all know how important the United Nations are.

*****

So that’s my list of parenting resolutions. Feel free to be inspired. You’re welcome.

by Daphne

lists you should paste on your fridge

Things you learn as a mom that you would otherwise never know

December 11, 2009

I’m talking about the serious stuff here. Besides the obvious ones like feeding and bathing and changing. These are the elementary stuff that are already covered to death by yet another definitive parenting guide, on top of the thousands just like it.

Here are some of the real mothering lessons that books will not teach you and you will discover them suddenly when you are right smack in the middle of it. I keep adding new lessons to my repertoire because just when I think that I’ve learnt them all, it’s like they can come up with new ones just so I can keep learning. Here we call it lifelong learning.

1. Eating codfish makes your poop, pee and puke smell like rotting fish. Salmon is ok. But every time Tru eats codfish, it’s like I’m puckering up to a bucket of dead fish.

2. Freshly folded laundry is an open invitation to be messed up. I turn my back for 2 seconds and it’s all over the floor again faster than you can say “can’t touch this“.

3. They are never hungry at mealtimes and starving at all other times, especially when there’s ice-cream and cookies involved.

4. If you want to something destroyed or lost, tell your kid NOT to play with it.

5. You can go 3 days without doing the number 2 before it starts to count as constipation.

6. When you have a diaper emergency, a maxi pad, kleenex and tape will do the job.

7. It takes exactly 1 minute and 18 seconds to eat a plate of noodles standing over the kitchen counter while your kid shouts “eat, eat, eat, eat, eat”

8. When you have no time for a proper meal, chocolate, chips and coke/coffee will give you all the energy you need. Sugar, carbs and caffeine – all the ingredients for a mother’s balanced diet.

9. If you are out and *really* need to warm up a bottle of milk, stuff it into your bra. That’s where it came from in the first place. Unless you got cold boobs then I suggest trying the armpits.

10. If you are out and *really* need to chill a bottle of freshly expressed milk, just use the a/c.

by Daphne

how i pretend to be a cool mum, lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents

To game or not to game

November 24, 2009

Gaming runs in my blood. My brother is a gamer, my sister is a social gamer (she does it when I’m missing a player and I force her to), I’m a gamer and I married a gamer. When I took a shopping trip to Bangkok with my mom and my sis, the husband was over at my house gaming with my brother for 5 days straight (most days without sleeping). Me, I spent 90 hours on Final Fantasy XII alone and I’m pretty sure I’ll top that when FF XIII is out.

So it’s not surprising that my son is also a gamer. I say you can tell a gamer from the way they hold a controller because it’s your best friend, your weapon. You can’t just hold it like it’s a potato. The grip must be firm but not too tight and your fingers must have enough room to maintain dexterity. This you can’t teach.

While some parents freak out at the fact that their kids are playing computer games at 7, I’m proud to say that my 17-month-old boy holds a controller like a pro. Peruse exhibit A.

That's how you hold a controller. See the concentration it takes.

That's Winning Eleven. No fighting games till he turns 21.

You should probably know by now that my parenting style is rather unorthodox. I know all about the research that shows a correlation between gaming and violent behavior in children (if you try hard enough, you can also find correlation between a caterpillar and ballroom dancing). And the argument that it hinders social development or promotes parasocial interaction. And the fact that it’s bad for the eyes, or how the flickering light can cause epilepsy.

But in my defense, here’s what I’ve got to say. Gaming is wonderful because

1. It trains your fingers to be dexterous. Everyone knows that dexterous fingers are vital to becoming a surgeon. (just watch Grey’s Anatomy) So just look at it as giving him a headstart to becoming a top class cardiovascular surgeon. I bet Christina Yang can kick some serious ass at Viva Pinata.

2. It trains you to think fast and think out of the box. How else would you be able to rescue the princess and fight your way out of a burning castle with 20,000 minions with katanas on your tail? Mental strength and creativity, that’s how.

3. It relieves stress through catharsis. You have a crappy day and gaming helps you to let off some steam. It’s not good to keep all that bad emotions bottled up inside because then you become a sullen, angsty teen that uses your parents as punching bags. The secret to a happy and *fulfilled* childhood is to take it out on all the baddies in Metal Gear Solid 4.

4. You can learn to play musical instruments and eventually form a real rock band like the Jonas Brothers U2 and become a superstar. If you want to succeed, you can’t be sitting around on your ass pretending to do assessment books because you’re afraid your mother is going to whip your ass. It takes practice. On Rock Band 2.

5. You can play computer games for a living and get rich by winning competitions. Now that’s job satisfaction for you.

by Daphne

Funny or So I think, lists you should paste on your fridge, pregnancy, sexytime, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Birth induction methods you may (not) want to try

June 25, 2009

a glass of wine may help

It was exactly this time during my first pregnancy that I gave birth to Tru. 38 weeks on the dot. But that was a c-section so I could pick an auspicious date to give birth. Waiting for the contractions to kick in is totally different. I feel so powerless. I’ve got my baby bag and all the baby stuff all ready and packed and it’s like waiting for Santa Claus to appear on Christmas eve. The anticipation is killing me. It’s my control-freak nature kicking in and I just need to know exactly when it’s gonna happen.

Apparently for VBAC, a medical induction of labor increases the chance of womb rupture so it’s off limits. But I hear there are a few ways to induce birth and give the baby a little push as it were. It’s called ripening the cervix (it’s true!)

1. Acupuncture

It’s a tried and tested method by the Chinese and it’s supposed to be highly effective. Back when women used to bind their feet and slice off their pinkies, they realized that somehow jabbing a bunch of needles into various parts of the body triggers the contractions. It’s ingenious, don’t you think?

But seeing that pain avoidance is one of my life’s goals, acupuncture is in my list of Top 10 things NOT to do before I die (along with bungee jumping and eating fire).

2. Castor Oil

It’s a quick and painless method. Just take a few spoonfuls of it neat and wait a few minutes for it to take effect. It’s primarily a laxative, so there’s that nasty side effect where you lose all control of your bowels and start crapping involuntarily. It’s probably good if you hate the gynae/nurse and want to use it as a way to give them nightmares for days.

There’s no guarantee that it will work though, so you may just end up with a severe case of diarrhea.

3. Walking

This sounds pretty harmless. How it works is that it puts pressure on the cervix, causing it to dilate. Anyway it’s the kind of thing you can try without worrying about nasty side effects.

4. Nipple Stimulation

Touted as one of the most effective methods of natural induction, it’s definitely one of the most wildly popular. Mostly because no dude will turn down an invitation to engage in some nipple stimulation – “Boom-chica-wow-wow”.

But seriously, this causes a release of oxytocin, which causes contractions and lead to labor. (See, I’m not a total airhead, I actually know words like oxytocin)

5. Sexytime

As they say, what gets it in also gets it out. (who says that kind of thing anyway?) This is the next most popular method of birth induction, following closely behind the nipple stimulation.

The difference is, while most women are willing to tolerate some mild discomfort to the boobs, certain invasive methods at 38 weeks of pregnancy are too much of a hassle. There’s also the whole foreplay thing to contend with, and by the time there’s any action, you’re way too exhausted for the time to be the least bit sexy. And the focus is to get something out of there, not put something in, if you get what I mean.

I suppose the best thing to do is to sit around and wait till the baby is good and ready to come out. There’s a Chinese saying that goes something like “When the fruit is ready, it will fall off the vine”. Meaning that there’s no point rushing nature, cos all you’re going to end up with is an unripe fruit. Don’t ask me what that means. It’s too deep for my 38-week-pregnant brain.

If it’s up to me, Kirsten will be born on the 4th of July. So who knows, there might be some serious action on the 3rd. Woohoo!

by Daphne

lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Top 5 Useless Baby Stuff

June 17, 2009

Having kids is like a license to buy all sorts of useless baby stuff. I think its a condition that hits all new mothers, and they go on a rampage to amass the most frivolous baby items. If I were a business person, all I would sell are colorful baby-related stuff that serves no real purpose whatsoever. And I’d be RICH! Seriously, just add a cute baby picture to any product and mothers are guaranteed to go all googly-eyed over it.

Before I had babies, I used to think that I was a very rational buyer. I would do intensive research online and check the reviews and head down to the store to test the product like 5 times before buying something. But it all changed when I got pregnant with Tru. I was obsessed with the kids department in all the stores. It was like an addiction. I could spend hours poring over racks of baby clothes, mittens, booties, soft toys… you name it. Everything was all so tiny and cute, I was totally hooked.

If the husband didn’t confiscate all my credit cards, I would have ended up with a truckload of oh-so-cute but oh-so-useless baby stuff. Here’s a few examples so you know what to avoid when you’re shopping for your kids.

1. Zaky Infant Pillow

zaky infant pillow

It’s a pair of brown adult-sized (by adult sized, I’m referring to a tiny giant) pillow hands complete with fingers, which you can put on your baby while he sleeps. And check out the tagline.

Zaky – It’s Like Leaving a Part of You with Your Baby

Now, how freaky is that? At first, I thought it was an interesting concept, but then again, unless your last name is Addams, you probably wouldn’t want your baby to wake up and find a pair of dismembered hands holding him. Think of all the hours of counseling you could avoid in the future if you just had the good sense to not riddle your kid with so many issues during his formative years.

2. Pee Pee Teepee

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGKFga8fJ6A

This is really good. I first came across this ingenious product while watching Brothers and Sisters, where Calista Flockhart’s character was raving about the benefits of the pee pee teepee. So this is how it works. You know how boys suddenly have the urge to pee the moment the diaper is off? I have lost count of the number of times I got hit by a projectile of pee during nappy changes. But with the PPTP, all you need to do is place the little soft cloth cone over the pee pee when the diaper is off, and what do you know? Crisis averted!

Pee Pee Teepee

But there’s just one thing though. I think the makers of the PPTP underestimated the force that can be generated from a baby’s bladder. There’s been reports that when the baby starts to pee, it causes the PPTP to fly up and hit your face, followed by the stream of lovely, warm liquid.

3. Babykeeper

Babykeeper

The babykeeper is a contraption used by mothers to inflict torture on the babies they HATE with a passion. It’s a pouch-like device with lots of hanging straps to put your baby in. You can then hang them safely from the wall or the ceiling while you go do your stuff. When I first came across this device, I was wondering could ever possess a parent to hang their child from the wall?

Then it suddenly struck me. It’s useful in so many ways. You can swing them like a pendulum just for kicks, tickle them senseless without having to pin down their arms and even use him to scare birds that fly into my kitchen. And all the while knowing that they are in safe hands. What could be better?

4. Tummy Tub

First of all, this looks like a pail I could buy from the store at the market for $2.99. You know the kind they use to put fish in. And some dude came up with the idea of putting a newborn inside , which makes it look like some bizarre Anne Geddes creation. It’s supposed to have many benefits like making the baby feel safe and secure, like he’s still inside the womb.

If you ask me, I’d say it’s a bunch of bollocks. Let’s just say that if I wanted to squeeze my kid into a tiny pail (which I don’t), I wouldn’t be paying $100 for it.

5. Bat and Wobble Penguin

Bat and Wobble Penguin

Sorry, Uncle Toh, but this makes the list of top 5 useless baby stuff. I can understand how a bat and wobble anything may possibly be fun for a 3-year-old toddler with violent tendencies. But a baby does not possess the reflexes to avoid the malicious onslaught of an evil penguin and chances are, they will be hit in the face more times than they can count. My son hates it so much he will not come near it with a 10-foot barge pole.

These days, I use it as a paper weight to hold down stuff.

I’m sure there are plenty of other useless baby stuff you can think of. Here’s just a few to get you started. Feel free to add on to the list!

by Daphne

getting ready for baby, lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Labour Pain Relief Measures

June 12, 2009

Yesterday was one of my final few visits to the gynae. Kirsten is doing well. She says hi, but I shan’t bore you with more ultrasound pics that look exactly the same as the last one. Anyway, it was time to discuss my birthing plan and decide on pain management options during the labor.

When Tru was born, I didn’t have to go through the whole labor process. I was at the gynae’s office for a routine check in the morning and decided on that day to have the c-section at 5 in the evening. No bursting of water bag, no contractions, none of that drama that makes the whole process so exciting. The only thing even mildly interesting was the fact that I snuck out for a final decent meal despite being told that I wasn’t supposed to eat before the surgery. I couldn’t bear the thought of not having real food for the next month without any mental preparation.

The experience was rather sterile actually. I was given an epidural to numb the nerves from waist down (which HURT LIKE CRAZY) and after that, I pretty much just stared at the lights above the operating table while the OBGYN did his thing.

This time, I’m determined to go experience what it’s like to push a child out from my va-jay-jay and do the whole crazy woman scream with sweat pouring down my face thing. It’ll be so much more fun.

So the birthing plan goes like this. When the water bag bursts and I start contracting, I’m going to take a shower, wash my hair, grab some ice-cream, drop Tru at my mom’s place and then fly down to the hospital. The moment I get in, I’m start hollering for an epidural (when else can I get away with screaming at people just for the fun of it?) and demand for ice chips, magazines and my Nintendo DS. With the epi, it’s practically a walk in the park after that. I only hope I don’t poop on the table.

Props to the gynae for keeping a straight face when he heard my plan. And double props for actually agreeing to go along. He says it’s my delivery, I should get to do it my way, as long as I don’t insist on giving birth at home.

He did however, ask me to consider the various pain management options before I decide. So I’m considering.

and the greatest of these..is silent birth

1. Deep breathing.

Seriously. Deep breathing. The only way breathing is going to take away any pain is if I take a deep breath and hold it in forever. Then I might pass out and die and feel no pain. Other than that, deep breathing is rubbish. I did hear some new age, mind-over-matter techniques that can reduce pain. You’re supposed to take deep breaths, close your eyes and imagine your cervix opening up like a flower. Yeah, right.

2. Laughing gas.

its funny, i'm in so much pain but i don't seem to care?

There’s nothing funny about it though. The effect is like smoking weed – it makes you high and you can then actually imagine your cervix opening up like a flower. Or a butterfly. Or the mouth of a giant T-rex eating up half of Singapore. The thing is, some say it doesn’t actually block the pain, it just makes your brain a little fuzzy in the hope that the pain signals get all mixed up and gets sent to your big toe instead of your cerebral cortex. Except that when it doesn’t work, you end up being high and in a lot of pain. Not a good combination.

3. Epidural

the epidural needle, actual size

This is the only method that is guaranteed to take away the pain. But to administer the epidural hurts big time. They have to inject a tube into the spine in order to pump in the meds, so at the end of the day, it’s a matter of using pain to counteract the pain. But once it kicks in, you can practically chill out, have a cuppa and read a book while your cervix will take its time to open up like a flower without having to imagine it into existence.

I’ve got a fourth method which I’ve worked out with the husband. After I get to the hospital, he’s supposed to knock me out with a small dose of chloroform and pretend that I’m asleep while the doctor administers the epi. Once it’s all good, I’ll wake up and deliver Kirsten without any pain at all. We’re still in the process of determining the right amount of chloroform to use. The last trial run, I was out for 2 days, so we’ll probably have to dilute it a bit more.

Just make sure you don’t try this at home.

by Daphne

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