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Boys vs Girls: A Scientific Approach

October 28, 2011

This is a tough one. Traditionally, Chinese have always preferred boys over girls, because they continue the family name and they have bigger muscles to harvest crops out in the field. Girls could only make babies for someone else’s family and if she’s lucky hot enough to snag a rich dude, the parents get a big, fat dowry for all that effort.

These days, we’re a little more enlightened (plus muscles are overrated), so we’re all “boy or girl, it’s all the same.”

But is it though?

1. Playtime means entirely different things.

2. Dresses! Leggings! Ribbons! Hairbands!

 

3. One word: Hugs

 

4. Time for some Hokkien lessons: Boys = Boh See Diam (unable to sit still)

So this would make a rock solid case for having girls and all will be well for about 15 years. But then sooner or later, this day will come… and you will have to fight the urge to lock her in a basement. Or invest in a set of carving knives.

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lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Living with toddlers

October 25, 2011

More often than not, having a toddler (or two) running around the house is a basket of awesome.

They walk around wearing 15 articles of clothing (some of which belong to me), put stuff in their nostrils and spend way too much time trying to fit into little boxes. They know when they’re doing something cute and will often draw attention to their cuteness with a “MOMMY LOOK AT ME!” followed by a fit of giggles.

That thing they do where they hold your ears and kiss you all over your face (2 on the cheeks, 2 on the eyes, the forehead, nose and chin)? Totally makes you want to buy them anything they want. “You’d like that $200 doll house that’s basically made of paper cardboard? Of course, pumpkin!”

They dazzle you with their cuteness, smother you with hugs and flash you those innocent peepers to make you feel like having them around is the best thing in the world.

Which it would be if not for some of the things they do that make you want to stab yourself repeatedly with a blunt object.

Stuff like…

1. Pee everywhere. The one thing that toddlers lack is focus and we all know (I’m mostly referring to guys here) how important that is when it comes to the fine art of peeing. It looks easy enough to me – just aim and fire. But apparently it’s harder than it looks because just when about 87% of the pee goes into the toilet bowl, they inevitably start to lose focus and it ends up everywhere else but the bowl.

One time Tru was doing his thing and I wanted to show him something really cool so I was all “Tru, come quick!” He turned and ran out midstream and I watched the pee fly all over my toilet in slow motion as I screamed “NO NOOOOOO TURN BACK YOU’RE STILL PEEING!!!” So he got even more confused and turned around 360 degrees, all the while still peeing. Fun times.

2. Hide everything. That’s actually ok if they remember where they put it. But they don’t. And in an emergency (which is like all the time), they stare at you blankly when you ask “Where’s my car key? Mommy’s late we have to leave now.” Then again, it’s possibly worse when they know and think it’s funny not to tell you so they look at each other and giggle while you panic and threaten to withhold gummies for a month.

3. Stick their sticky fingers on things that should not be stuck. They’re like spiderman, except much less cool and somewhat annoying. I pick up my phone and it’s sticky. I open my macbook and there’s a layer of sticky. I pick out my shoes and yes, they’re sticky.

4. Dunk my stuff in water. I get why they love water so much. Really, I do. It’s WET! It’s SPLASHY! It makes things float. It makes things sink. It’s SUPER FUN! It’s just not as fun for me when I have to fish out my phone from the bottom of the bathtub to watch the screen flicker until it breathes its last and dies in my arms.

5. Talk in that high-pitched nasally voice when they don’t get what they want. There’s the normal voice that normal people have and there the incessant, high-pitched hypersonic version that toddlers have. It’s like a special power that nobody wants.

Toddler: Mommy can I have gummies?

Me: No.

Toddler: Please, just one?

Me: No sweetie, you just had TEN “just ones.”

Toddler: Iwantgummeeesmommyiwantsomanyilikegummeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… 

Me: *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab* *stab*

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lists you should paste on your fridge

A matter of perspective

September 30, 2011

PART THE FIRST: JAIL TIME

Truett: What’s that, momma, what’s that?

Me: It’s a bird cage, son. To keep birds so they don’t fly away.

Tru: No, it’s not a bird cage. It’s a jail. When Mickey Mouse is never listen to mommy, he will go to jail.

PART THE SECOND: WAIT, YOU’RE ACTUALLY LISTENING TO ME

You know how it is when you have kids. Most of the time when you tell them to do something, you don’t expect them to actually do it. Like when I have to say “NO” to that scoop of ice cream when they’re nursing a cold and I know that no amount of explaining will prevent the impending meltdown. But I still take the time to explain it rationally like they understand anyway. 9 out of 10 times it’s a futile endeavor.

But then there’s that one time when it works and they actually listen.

Truett is still as resistant to school as ever. Especially after our trip to Melbourne, he seems to have regressed and every morning, he’ll get very upset on the way to school. Then yesterday while he was coming up with various maladies to avoid going to school, I tried explaining that it was Gymnastics Thursday, his favorite day YAY WE”RE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN DOING SOMERSAULTS WOOT! He pondered a moment then nodded his head and said “ok, I will go to school.”

And I was all “GYMNASTICS IS AWESOME YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE…wait, did you just say ok? That’s it? No tantrums or tears? You mean I don’t have to juggle or do cartwheels to distract you from screaming? Just talking actually works? That’s new. Very well, um, great.

PART THE THIRD: RULES? WHAT RULES?

The frustrating thing about playing with kids is that they don’t have any rules. But the great thing about playing with kids is also that they don’t have any rules.

Blame it on my lack of creativity but when I make a head, there’s got to be a specified number of eyes and ears and mouth, even if that head belongs to a potato.

When it was their turn to make the head, they came up with this.

Which is genius actually because what do you know, a potato does have a lot of eyes.

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kids inc, lists you should paste on your fridge, motherhood

Stuff you can’t do once you pop a baby

August 23, 2011

I haven’t done lists in a while so today’s list will be on the things you can’t do once you pop a child.

Ok, that’s a bit of an overstatement. You can probably still do them once in a really long while when the stars align and unicorns shimmy to the tunes of “What a Wonderful World” outside your bedroom window.

But we all know these sorts of days are rare, to say the least. And if you’re expecting to do them with the regularity and panache that you used to pre-baby, you’re in for a rude awakening. Let’s jut say that after being a parent for 3 years, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to take a leisurely shower without being yelled at to “COME HERE NOW MOMMY!”

Here’s my list of things I can no longer do after having babies.

1. Eat ice cream without sharing. 

The husband and I have a rule. We share pretty much everything except Starbucks toffee nut latte and ice cream. Yes, we can share dreams and jokes and a bank account, but not ice cream. The kids, unfortunately, have no regard for my ice cream rule. They alternate between looking at it longingly with those bambi eyes and going “please, mommy, please, you need to share”.

And even when I sneak a spoon of ice cream hiding in the dark, they sniff it out and come running.

2. Be anywhere in 7 minutes. 

That’s how long it used to take me to get out of the house. – 7 minutes flat. That includes bathing, changing and basic make up. With kids, it’s a physical impossibility because their dictionary does not contain the 2 words “HURRY UP”. We need a lead time of at least 45 minutes, and even that’s cutting it close.

3. Buy anything without thinking in terms of how much milk, food and shoes it’s worth. 

I see a gorgeous pair of jeans and I immediately think of how many tins of milk that’s going to cost. A pair of G-Star is 5 tins, a pair of F21 is 3 tins and the tights from the market is 1/2 a tin.

4. Rain curses on horrible, horrible drivers. 

I have since watered down my elaborate curses to a very harmless “UNCLE/AH SOH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? KNOW HOW TO DRIVE OR NOT??” Now every time I am forced to slam the brakes or swerve to avoid an accident, the kids throw out their hands and recite that line in unison and with much gusto.

5. Do the naughty naughty in the kitchen. Or the sofa. Or basically anywhere at all. 

These kids are like the sex police. One time, we thought we had some alone time for a quick kiss and Kirsten walked right up to us and asked “Mommy what are you doing? You cannot kiss, I want kiss!!” Truett, on the other hand, will just peer at us intently and that’s possibly even more disturbing.

6. Imagine my life without them. 

Ditto.

What’s in your list?

Update: The results the MLM giveaway are out! Congrats to Adeline, you’ve got a lovely new outfit coming your way!

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lists you should paste on your fridge, unqualified parenting tips

Lessons in randomness

August 8, 2011

1. Kids never run out of toys

Because when they do, they just find ways to make new ones.

Apparently, this is an astro-blaster spaceship and they’re on a mission to the moon. It’s way less dangerous than it looks.

2. School is the best thing since sliced bread

For me, at least. I cannot remember the last time I had a leisurely breakfast and coffee on my own and it’s not because I have a terrible memory.  Although that is partially true. But the point is that it’s been a long, long time and my morning coffee never tasted better.

3. School is taking my kids away from me

My babies are growing up way too quickly and I’m losing 3 whole hours with them everyday. That’s 3 hours of baby hugs and snuggles and kisses. And also screams and fights and unreasonable demands.

I’m confused, is what I’m saying.

4. Building castles in the sand 

Is nowhere near as fun as discovering one and destroying it.

5. Wearing sunnies make you cool

6. No, really, it does

Have a smashing Monday.

PS. In other news, the Mother, Inc facebook page is finally up. I know it’s kind of a little late seeing that even my friend’s sister’s pet frog has a facebook page but I’m taking the very good advice of someone with over 160,000 fans on facebook who told me I needed to have one for the blog.

I’ll be posting videos, pictures and updates not seen on the blog so do check it out.

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i embarrass myself sometimes, lists you should paste on your fridge, not feeling so supermom, stuff best described as not safe for parents, unqualified parenting tips

Mom, inadequate

July 12, 2011

Question: Anyone else ever felt as inadequate about being a mom as I do? I mean, I love kids but I’m terrible at teaching them phonics or nutrition or how to make the toilet or being responsible and all that.

Last week, I’ve been trying to get Kirsten to pee in the toilet. I psyched her up about being a big girl and wearing Hello Kitty panties instead of diapers and put her on the toilet bowl. She was all “mommy do” so ok, I figured since kids learnt through imitation, I’d do a live demo for her.

And she just stood there and laughed – nice one, baby girl.

It doesn’t really help that every other mother I know seems to have their act together. They potty-train their newborns and their kids can draw a straight line by 11 months. I’m obviously way behind because I’m 29 and still can’t draw a straight line. After that, they move on to advanced topics like feeding organic vegetables that they’ve grown by hand in their backyard and teaching their kids to perform cardiothoracic surgery.

Then I come across sites like these and I feel so. much. better.

I’ve picked out some of my favorites here. I may or may not have done these at some point.

1. Everyone thinks I’m such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn’t me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.

2. Since it’s summertime, about once a week I take the kids for ice cream… for lunch.

3. I forget to brush my 1- and 2-year-olds’ teeth. I am not sure why it’s so hard for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall out.

4. At the end if the day, my needs are really simple: To be able to shit in peace.

5. At the end of a long challenging day, I’m apt to call bedtime half and hour early. It’s not like they can tell time yet.

6. I used bandaids to cover my nipples when I weaned my children. See? All gone.

7. I joined a gym just for the free daycare. I drop the kids off and read magazines and blogs in the locker room.

8. Questions of the day: 1) How did the pepperoni get stuck to the ceiling? 2) Why didn’t gravity kick in & make it fall? 3) How did I not notice this? 4) When did we have pizza last?

9. I confiscated my teenager’s stash of pot, gave her a lecture, and have been smoking it ever since myself.

10. Last week, my hairdresser asked how far along I was. I’m not pregnant, but I pretended to be 4 months. I can never go back there.

11.  Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: “No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.” I let them eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed fine.

12. My kids hardy bathe in the summer. The pool totally counts.

13. When my daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her “a gazillion.” Um, we are homeschoolers. Not supposed to just make shit up.

14. My baby is not spoiled, she just doesn’t like you.

15. I confess that most days, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together — good wife, good mom, successful career — but I really don’t. I’m ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.

What’s yours?

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