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how i pretend to be a cool mum

how i pretend to be a cool mum, precious moments, to Kirsten with love, to Truett with love

Level up: Baking badges acquired

June 27, 2011

If you’ve been following me on Facebook and Twitter, you’ll know that I attempted to bake a batch of 50 cupcakes for the kids’ combined birthday party yesterday. It was a big deal because I’m not the baking sort. In fact, I’ve never baked anything in my life, unless you count baked beans, which I basically pour out from a can and put in the microwave.

My original plan was to buy 50 cupcakes from the store but I got to browsing these really pretty cupcakes online and the kids were all like “I want mommy to make.”

Ok kids, challenge accepted.

I mean, anyone can buy cupcakes from a store right but I’m going to be the mom that makes these babies with my own hands. Also partly because my mom is like a baking guru and she helped out a little (ok she did like 28% of the work). The kids contributed another 7%.

They wore their little aprons and helped to pour stuff into the mixer, all pleased to be making their own birthday cupcakes.

We spent all of Friday afternoon mixing, stirring, scooping and arranging little cups as the aroma of freshly baked cupcakes filled the kitchen. Now I know why people bake – there’s a profound sense of satisfaction to be making something so yummy from scratch. Like it’s just a bunch of flour and eggs on the table and then voila, cupcakes! We even made 2 different flavors, chocolate and carrot cake topped with ganache and cream cheese icing.

But then the proof of the pudding (or in this case, cupcake) is in the eating, so here’s the final product.

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Word on the street is that they taste pretty good too. Well, at least, the kids seemed to love it.

I guess this means I’ve earned my baking badges and I can go back to buying cupcakes from the store next year.

PS. The three winners have been announced for the Child Label giveaway. Thanks for your support!

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how i pretend to be a cool mum

Any medication I can take for masochism?

December 23, 2010

I just had a pretty intense 24 hours. Started out yesterday when both kids refused to sleep at my mom’s place and decided it was way more fun to torment me instead. Then they got cranky due to a lack of sleep and started whining and fighting and not sleeping some more. Which got me cranky because there’s only so many times a person can yell LIE DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP NOW!

I thought they would be sufficiently tired when they got back and I would have a nice, relaxing evening. But Kirsten was apparently overstimulated and spent the night screaming till 4am, by which time, I was all OMG GO TO SLEEP WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??

When I got up this morning after a 3-hour nap, I felt like a giant bag of crabs. Made into a crabby patty. I was way past my limit of yelling, cajoling, threatening, bribing and I just wanted to curl up in a corner and feel sorry for myself. I felt like I deserved the right to be crabby. Like if there was a Right To Be Crabby award for enduring hardship, I was sure I would have won the girl in this drama I once watched where she became blind, lost the love of her life and discovered she had cancer.

But I knew what I signed up for when I wanted to have kids. Days like these were inevitable and I should be thankful they are few and far between. I could sulk my day away and have another bad day or I could suck it up and be a mom. Which meant digging deep and finding that happy place so I could make my time with the kids worth it.

I wanted this, remember. I wanted this. Also, I clearly have issues with masochism.

We ended up playing pirates and soldiers all morning and they are finally down for what seems like a very long nap. And I didn’t even have to yell once today.

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how i pretend to be a cool mum, lists you should paste on your fridge, stuff best described as not safe for parents

Life is nothing like riding a bike.

October 5, 2010

With a photo like this, you’d think I’m going to write a motivational piece on how life is like riding a bike and something about getting up when we fall, which is remotely related to how winners are those who never quit. Stuff like that.

But then you probably came to the wrong blog because there is no such lesson to be learnt here.

This is a story about a girl who wanted to ride a bike but her legs were too short and she was grunting away, with beads of sweat trickling down her face, trying to muster all the energy from her little calfs but that bike wouldn’t even budge an inch. I was about to launch into one of my life lessons about not giving up but then she started shrieking because MOMMA WHY IS MY BIKE NOT MOVING? SOMEBODY PUSH ME AROUND NOW!!

So as I pushed her around while she pretended to pedal, I realized that it was I who had something to learn. The sort of secret lessons you only get to learn when you’re a parent.

1. Screaming does get you what you want.

Most of the time anyway. Even parents who start out thinking that they are not going to give in to their kid’s screams usually cave after 2 days with a newborn who does nothing but scream. After that, kids learn very quickly that every time they scream, there’s an 8% chance they will get ignored, 13% chance they will get the naughty corner and for the rest of the 79%, they get exactly what they want.

2. Even if you can’t do something, at least look like you can.

It’s called wayang, another important lesson we all need to learn. We’ll never be able to know how to do everything, but the key is to first look like we can. Then go ask someone to teach you, or better still, shout orders at them and make them do it for you. Bam, problem solved.

If you have difficulty making people do what you want, refer to lesson 1.

3. Life is nothing like riding a bike.

Not even close. Some days life is more like pulling a rickshaw barefoot on hot coals while getting beaten with a stick. But you can always hope that one day you’ll be the dude cruising along in your Maserati with the top down and the wind in your hair. The bad news is that you may not end up getting your Maserati dream but the good news is that you’re not going to be pulling the rickshaw forever so at some point we all just got to learn to chill and enjoy the ride.

It’s really not as profound as it sounds.

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how i pretend to be a cool mum, i embarrass myself sometimes

Even better than the real thing

September 28, 2010

Did you know that I queued up for almost 2 hours to get this shot with Minnie? There were all these kids clamoring to get a shot with Minnie Mouse and there I was, the only grown up (I didn’t even have kids to pretend like it was them who wanted the picture) and I stood there in the queue trying to look inconspicuous for almost 2 hours. But when I finally met Minnie, TOTALLY WORTH IT.

So anyway, we were supposed to take a second honeymoon to California for another dose of Disneyland magic before having settling down and having kids but my son got impatient and came a year and a half ahead of schedule, then Kirsten came right after so we traded in the honeymoon for more milk powder and baby booties and the thousand other stuff babies need. Kind of worth it, because that’s the kind of thing moms are supposed to say. But I was still dreaming of meeting Minnie again so I had to um, improvise.

Meet Minnie 2.0. Somewhat smaller than the real thing but she makes up for the lack in size with sheer awesomeness because you also get to snuggle and kiss and squeeze this one for as long as you want. I tried hogging more time with the other Minnie but her handler kept chasing me off after I got my picture, saying something about me holding up the queue. Not cool, real Minnie. Also, I can make this Minnie change costumes and do geeky dance moves.

I’ll be taking orders for anyone who wants to do a meet and greet.

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how i pretend to be a cool mum

Swashbuckling fun

September 7, 2010

For some reason, my kids really love playing pirates. Since the first pirate set my sister got for them from France, they’ve amassed all sorts of other pirate toys. Tru has this gruff, piratey voice whenever he’s in character and he goes “Truett pirate, aaarrgghh!”

This pirate book, which my mom got from Borders in Melbourne during her last trip, brings storytelling to a whole new level.

The storybook was ok (it got a little rambly at times), but the awesome part was that it came with lots of tiny little cut-out characters so you could reenact your own pirate story if you didn’t like the original one. I have a thing for paper cut-out characters, I’m nerdy that way.

Usually, I make do with telling them stories without any props but it was really fun to have all the pirate figures hold tiny swords and jump around while I made up crazy pirate tales for a change.

Well, maybe I had a lot more fun with it than the kids because halfway through, they got really bored from not being able to touch the fragile paper cut-outs and went on a rampage. One of my little pirate boys lost a leg in the process and I had to make them sit in their baby chairs while I told the story from 3-feet away.

Because it’s made of paper, the cut-outs are rather flimsy and they topple easily so usually by the time I set up all the characters in position, they either get blown away by the wind or trampled to death by my 2 Babyzillas. But hey, that gives a new twist to the story when I’m all out of plot ideas.

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coolest kids ever, how i pretend to be a cool mum

Arsenal signs promising new starlet

July 20, 2010

With the World Cup finally over, the spotlight is now on the big money transfers as clubs make their move for superstars to bolster their chance at silverware next season. I hear Liverpool fans are celebrating the capture of Joe Cole (aka tightpants) and Barcelona, they’ve added David Villa and Adriano to their scary list of big names.

On the home front, a little birdie tells me that Ferguson has his sights set on German captain Philip Lahm (nice!) to fill that problematic right back position. I am also still keeping my fingers crossed for Buffon, Ozil and Torres (just imagine a Rooney-Torres combo up front, oh sweet dreams are made of these)

Meanwhile, Arsenal, with Wenger’s ridiculous youth policy, are planning to lower their squad’s average age to 5. As a Mother, Inc exclusive, I’m pleased to announce their latest star signing, Truett Kao, who will be filling the boots of Barcelona-bound captain, Cesc Fabregas.

Thanks to my *contacts*, I’ve managed to score an interview with the hottest young thing in the footballing world.

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Mother, Inc: I think the biggest question on everyone’s minds right now is why Arsenal, when there are so many teams to choose from?

Truett: Jersey soft soft. Truett like red color.

Mother, Inc: I think you’re forgetting that Manchester United is a nicer shade of red, but I guess you can’t argue with the soft bit. So what do you think of the Fabregas debacle? You think he’s going to stay or go?

Truett: GO KAI KAI!! Let’s go feed the fish!

Mother, Inc: That’s a nice strong throw you got there. Is that part of your daily training regime? Any fancy footwork to share with your fans?

Truett: Truett kick the ball… GOALLLL COMEON!!!

Mother, Inc: Oh, that simple aye? So what else do you like to do when you’re not kicking a ball around or busy feeding fish?

Truett: Sit train! Mommy can go sit train please, please?

Mother, Inc: Why yes, yes we can. But just 2 rounds and you go back to doing laps. And we also have to work on your choice of teams, I think we can start with getting you the latest Manchester United jersey, its quite soft as well.

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how i pretend to be a cool mum, lists you should paste on your fridge, motherhood, side effects of motherhood

One of those cheesy monologues you probably don’t want to paste on your fridge. And by *don’t* I really mean *do*

July 16, 2010

You know what’s the one thing that I’m terrified of the most? Besides my extensive list of completely rational fears like being attacked by lizards, buried alive (because there is no way in a million years that I can punch my way out like Uma Thurman) and having my kids abducted by a kidnapping syndicate in Mumbai.

I’m talking about top of the list here, numero uno. It’s being redundant.

In the days of my youthful idealism, I was exactly like you. I wanted to change the world. I was planning to end world hunger or become obscenely rich selling a ton of useless stuff to people who probably wouldn’t need them just because I was that brilliant. Either one would have worked for me – I wasn’t picky about the details.

The truth is, being a mom doesn’t make it into the list of glamorous professions. I don’t care what they say on those overly-priced Hallmark cards on Mothers’ Day, nobody’s dream job is to be a poop-cleaning, booger-digging, frazzled, batshitcrazy chick up to her elbows in human excretions. Make no mistake, motherhood is noble and to sacrifice your own dreams for the kids is all great but it kind of sucks that 30 years down the road, all you get is “Congrats, none of your 3 kids turned out to be Hitler. Good for you!”

And really, that terrifies me.

Knowing that I spent my best years cooking vegetables (that nobody wants to touch with a ten-foot pole), washing tiny onesies and cleaning up spilt cereal for the fifth time in a day. Alright, the kids will have a decent shot at a happy childhood and they may grow up to be Nobel prize-winning physicists, rockstars and Supreme Court judges, but then again, they may just as well end up as a struggling artist or a troubled delinquent.

So I’ll come out and say it. I don’t just want gratitude, it’s overrated. I want the kids to grow up knowing that their mom was brilliant, and not at folding laundry. I want them to be proud of me, to go to school and brag about how their mom wrote the new vampire series that outsold Stephenie Meyer. Something like that. I want them to know that there is no excuse for not going after their dreams, no matter how tough life gets.

I’m starting to think that being a mom doesn’t have to make you redundant. Its easy to get swamped by the responsibilities of having to care for tiny human beings and lose yourself in the process but come on, there’s got to be more than getting a pat on the back and a fugly Mothers’ Day card. (except yours, kids, they’re lovely)

Maybe we can still change the world. And even if I don’t, I will sure as hell try.

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