getting ready for baby

You know what’s worse than having to go through a traumatic experience? Waiting for that traumatic experience to happen.

Knowing that it is going to happen one way or another so you hyperventilate a little and try to brace yourself like “ok, bring it on, I’m ready” thinking that it’s time but then it doesn’t happen. Yet. And you’re like COME ON JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.

I’ve been having some intermittent contractions the past week and every time I feel my stomach tightening and the waves of pain are twisting my uterus into a ball, I run to the bathroom to wash my hair. Priorities, people! Because if I have to go into labor and roll around making terrible grunting noises, at least I’m doing it with bouncy, silky soft, nice-smelling hair. There’s nothing worse than sounding like a deranged neanderthal while looking like one.

So these contractions, they got really bad on Tuesday evening. Usually my Braxton Hicks have a pain level of like 2-3 but these were at least a 6. Thinking that it was finally time, I washed my hair, packed my baby bag, lay on my side and waited for the contractions to come in harder and faster.

By 1am, they were 13 minutes apart and the husband was all “I think we should go in now, please don’t make me deliver the baby at home with hot water and a bunch of towels.” I don’t know what shows he’s been watching but he obviously forgot about the scissors. It’s always hot water, towels and scissors, amirite?

I was determined to wait till they were 10 minutes apart before checking myself in, but before it got to that point, they just stopped. One minute, I was hissing and grunting in pain, then the next minute, just gone.

Husband: So how, is it time?

Me: Gone. The contractions are gone.

Husband: That’s all? So what do we do now?

Me: I have no idea. I think we can go to bed.

What? You were expecting a dramatic end to this story? So was I. But I’m still around, as pregnant as ever. Still waiting.

Just like that, I’m at week 35 of this pregnancy. I’ve got 5 weeks to go and I’m not sure if I should be relieved or start throwing my arms in the air and shrieking a little. Maybe a bit of both.

Part of me just wants to give birth like NOW. I’m at the point of the pregnancy where I have difficulty doing simple tasks like taking off my pants or trimming my toenails. Just the other day, I was attempting to walk briskly when the husband leaned in real close and whispered “I need to tell you something, babe…you’re starting to waddle.” And then I punched him in the stomach. Ok, not really. It was more of a friendly jab to the abdominal region.

But with the reality of the impending birth setting in, I’m starting to remember the TRAUMA that is childbirth. Oh, you know, the whole having to push a human out of my vagina thing.

Apparently, mothers have this ability to block out the trauma after giving birth, which is why they can have another kid 6 months after a major screamfest in the hospital. What they don’t tell you is that while you’re able to block out the trauma when you’re having fun making the baby, it all comes flooding back when you’re about to deliver the baby.

Which is um, right about now.

And that brings me to my list of 3 most terrifying things about childbirth. If you’re planning to make a baby anytime soon, I’d recommend that you go see some pictures of cute babies first and come back a few months later when it’s too late and there’s no escaping the process.

1. Cervix check

To fully understand why this is such a nightmare, you have to know where the cervix is. I’d show you pictures but this is a wholesome family blog so you’ll just have to trust me when I say that it’s located in a place that shouldn’t be checked with bare hands. In order to reach the cervix to check it, the nurse has to put her hand and jab around somewhere you really don’t want her to. And yes, it’s every bit as painful as it sounds.

2. Episiotomy

This process involves a scalpel (or scissors) and your lady bits. Those are 2 objects that shouldn’t be near each other but this is the kind of thing that happens in the wonderful world of childbirth. Especially for VBAC cases, the doctor has to make an incision so the baby’s head doesn’t get stuck and cause a wound rupture. How very fun and exciting.

3. Labor Pain

For better or worse, the pain of labor trumps any other sort of pain you feel at childbirth. The husband was standing by witnessing the episiotomy in horror but I had no idea that it was happening because the pain of labor was all I could think of. It’s like when you get shot in the leg, it really doesn’t matter that you also just stubbed your toe, which I guess is a good thing in a bizarre sort of way.

The first two pregnancies, I spent a lot of time reading the baby guides, browsing the websites and kept up to date every week on exactly how many millimeters the baby has grown.

This time around, I have yet to blow the dust off my trusty What To Expect guidebook. Because I know what to expect. Nausea, bloatedness, heartburn, vomit, swollen feet, incontinence, hemorrhoids, and at the end of it all, a big, fat episiotomy to take home as a present. Fun times.

Well, now that I’m officially out of the first trimester, I thought I’d do a quick round up of all the things you need to know in the first 3 months of pregnancy.

1. Gas, gas, gas

The pregnancy books make it sound so tame – you may experience some bloatedness due to the increase in progesterone. Um, understatement of the year.

The reality is that being pregnant makes you burp and fart like a drunken sailor. The awesomeness of my day is now determined by how much gas I can expel and I’ve never been this happy to pass gas from either end. I certainly don’t enjoy burping and farting in the presence of other people but it’s causing me so much discomfort that I’m past the point of modesty and decorum. Some days, I’m throwing up bile because my gut is so filled with air that something’s got to give. On multiple occasions, I even contemplated sticking a giant needle into my intestines just so I can let out the air.

I’m only glad that I don’t have to sit in an office all day because given the present state of things, let’s just say that I’m not going to be very popular with the colleagues.

2. Sleep all day

Being pregnant is exhausting. It sounds like an excuse pregnant women concoct so they can laze around and be a slug all day but no. I liken it to taking drowsy flu meds – you’re out before you even know it.

Naturally, the husband doesn’t fully understand this concept and he’s all like “you’ve been sleeping a lot lately…what do you do all day?”

“Oh, what do I do all day? Well, on top of taking care of 2 kids, I just spent the day making another human with my uterus. In fact, I made like 2 fingers and half an eyeball today. What did you do all day? Paperwork? Pffffff.”

3. All-day Sickness

Commonly known as morning sickness, this bout of nausea and loss of appetite can in fact happen throughout the day. Smells that you normally wouldn’t mind will suddenly trigger off a gag reflex and next thing you know, you’ve got your face over a toilet bowl. That is if you don’t first throw up in the middle of the street or in the car.

The good news is that this general feeling of discomfort usually disappears after the first trimester, so yay!

4. Baby wants food

Closely related to the morning sickness is the pregnancy cravings. This heightened sense of smell makes you extra picky about what you want to put in your mouth, so you end up craving for food you might not typically want to eat. In a way, it’s not really you craving for stuff, it’s the baby craving for stuff, and we all know that when it comes to making the husband go out on midnight supper runs, using the baby is a far more convincing argument.

However, in an unfortunate turn of events, I find myself averse to meat this pregnancy. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love meat. I eat all kinds of meat, including pork, beef, lamb, crocodile, squirrel, turtle and any form of poultry. And the meatier, the better.

But of late, the thought of meat makes me want to vomit in my mouth so I’ve been loading up on fruits, veggies and carbs. My mom is thrilled because she’s been telling me to eat my vegetables for 29 years and I’m finally doing it out of my own volition. Actually, it’s the baby that’s making me do it.

5. What Libido?

Most doctors will say that it’s ok to do the naughty naughty during the entire pregnancy but the truth is, the first trimester is not a good time to be getting any action in at all. There’s the exhaustion, which means that I’m literally too tired to make the sexy-time because any time I spend in my bed is going to be the sleeping-time. And then there’s the gas, which not only makes me bloatey and uncomfortable, it makes me pass gas at the most inopportune times. Let’s not even go there.

What all this means is that my libido has packed her bags and is somewhere in the region of Inner Mongolia by now.

PS. Oh, and the baby is doing great.