Finn

My baby’s home! And it looks like I’m not the only one who missed him.

Finn had the best time in Melbourne going camping and fishing and dog walking and playgrounding with my mom and sister but 14 days is far too long for my baby to be away.

Two words: NEVER AGAIN.

It’s been awfully rough for this momma who started out holding his blankie to sleep for a couple of days and then towards the end, it got really, really bad. Like full on hallucinatory episodes kind of bad. I saw this kid who had hair like Finn at the mall the other day and it took all the self control I had not to run over to bear hug someone else’s kid. My brain was telling me that my baby was in Melbourne and he’s not this kid (whose face doesn’t even look that much like Finn), but that rational part got overridden for a moment.

I’m just glad my baby’s home and now my life is complete again.

Last night, Finn was telling me all about his adventures during bedtime, then he suddenly stopped and said, “Never mind lah, I’m so happy I’m home because I get to see you.” Sweet talker, this one.

I may have taken this for granted but let me just say that I cannot describe the bliss that is having all my babies home and being able to hold them all to sleep.

//

And we’ll have Finn take us out with some shots of his time in Melbourne.

(*photos by the sister)

Somewhere in the last month or so, Finn made the jump into the kind of smartypants that only three-year-olds are capable of getting away with. A special kind of full-on sassy that’s made up of 2 parts irresistible, one part obnoxious. And it’s killing me.

Bed/nap time now looks like a variation of this.

Me: Finn, please lie down and go to sleep.

Finn: Ok mommy, is it like this?

Me: No.

Finn: Is it like this?

Me: No.

Finn: Is it like this?

Me: Sort of, but with both eyes fully closed.

Finn: Is it like this?

Me: Yes.

Finn: Mmhhrree zhree lihhdissss?

Me: Shhhhhhh.

***

I had hoped that I’d see the end of the drawing-on-non-paper-surfaces phase, but no, we’re still deep in this fun chapter. Consequently, Finn has been spending time getting acquainted with his spot at the wall of contemplation several days a week, mostly for drawing on various non-paper surfaces. To his credit, he’s been quite creative with finding new not-approved spots to draw on.

Last week, during yet another drawing-related timeout, I overheard this monologue with Theo.

Baby Theo, can we draw on the floor? No.

Can we draw on the wall? No.

Can we draw on the table? No.

Can we draw on the chair? No.

Can we draw on the curtain? No.

Can we draw on the piggy? No.

Can we draw on the bed? No.

Can we draw on the blanket? No.

Can we draw…HEYYY COME BACK BABY THEO I NEED TO TALK TO YOU I AM AT THE NAUGHTY CORNER I CANNOT MOVE!!!

We’re rounding up birthday season 2015 with this dreamy dreamboat who turned three last week. Three is such an adorably fun age, you know what, three can put on its jammies and get real comfy because three can stay for as long as it likes. Three makes my heart skip a beat.

Then again, maybe it’s this face that has turns my heart a little squishy.

Sometimes, I think Finn was meant to be born in another time, like maybe a hundred years earlier in a victorian aristocracy. Such a proper little gentleman, this one. He’ll remember to say “please” and “thank you” and “you’re welcome” all the time, and if I forget to say “bless you” after he sneezes, he’ll turn to me and say “you forgot to say “bless you” to me, mommy.”

“Oh sorry, bless you, Finn!”

“No need to say sorry, it’s ok mom!”

And I’ll smile because I feel like I’m having a conversation with the Duke of Buckingham, and I should maybe curtsy or twirl or something.

***

Birthdays wouldn’t be complete without a time capsule so here we go.

Hey Finn!

//We’ve been calling you Finn Finn since you were a tiny baby, but you’ve recently decided that one Finn suits you just fine. These days, when I call you Finn Finn, you’ll look at me with that serious big boy head tilt and say, “I’m Finn. Finn Kao.” Reminds me of one Mr Bond.

So hey there Finn Kao, happy birthday!

Can I just say that being your mom is such a dream? I’ve spent 1,100 days being your favourite person in the world and we’ve had all kinds of crazy days during that time, haven’t we? Some started out as super fun days, best day of my life kind of days, mediocre days, lousy days, boring days, and days that I don’t want to talk about ever, but every single one of those 1,100 days have turned out to be terrific days because I’ve had you in them.

You really are a sweetheart. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi about you that’s so sweet and endearing. Maybe it’s those surprise kisses that you give generously and so purposefully (with both hands holding my cheeks), like you’re taking the time to do something big and important. Maybe it’s that earnest, gentle, soft spoken demeanour that’s so out of place next to your cheeky grin. Maybe it’s the way you somehow make everyone feel like they’re really special. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s hard not to be drawn to you.

Your dominant emotions are joy and sadness. Mostly joy, followed by a little bit of sadness when things don’t go your way. (So different from baby Theo who is a combination of joy and all out hulk-smash fury. You boys are like ice and fire, so adorable.)

In your entire 3 years, you’ve never had a full scale meltdown. That’s remarkable. Which is not to say that you’ve never gotten upset. There have been tears (mostly of the heartbreaking sobbing variety) and indignant hollers of “HEYYYY!!!”, but never the hardcore melt into the floor tantrum. At first, we were just waiting for that one epic outburst to happen, but it’s been 3 years and…we realised that it’s just not how you deal. You get sad and a big fat tear falls out of your sad smouldering baby eyes and you hide in a corner and say mournful things like “kor kor and jie jie don’t want to love me.”

Hey, I want you to know that sadness isn’t bad. When you’re sad, it’s ok to talk about it and your daddy and I, we’ll always be here to listen. Or if you’re too sad to talk, we’ll just be here to sit with you in your corner and hold your hand. Things always get better when you have someone to hold your hand, you’ll see.

I know sometimes you get overshadowed by your boisterous siblings in the stampede that goes on at home everyday. Even your baby brother is like “Did somebody say stampede?? YEAHHH YEEHAWWW!!!” And you’re all, “guys, let’s chill out and do some puzzles…” That’s ok, you know. That’s more than ok. You bring the ice cubes to their fire and they adore you for it.

Want to know a secret? Being your mom is also really hard because you have a manner that is so disarming. I don’t know what to do with you. The other day, you drew on the walls with a pen (right after you drew on the curtains and bed and sofa with a marker), so I made you stand at the spot which you drew for 5 minutes to ponder the error of your ways.

At the end of those 5 minutes, you mustered your most innocent face and said, “I’m sorry mommy, I’ll listen and be a good boy.”

I know there are more drawings on more walls to be discovered in my immediate future but how do I stay mad at this face? Urgh, incorrigible.

I guess you make up for it by being delightful company. Which you absolutely are. I love our little ice-cream dates and grocery dates and walks at the park dates. At the end of each day, you’ll tell me about all the adventures you had and round off with “I had so much fun with you mommy!”

You always know how to make a girl feel special, that’s for sure.

Have fun with being 3 ok, you’re going to be legendary at it.

I love you, Finn Kao.

It’s Finn’s birthday and something epic is about to go down. Something involving a hundred water balloons and double super soaker blasters.

Welcome to 3, Finn! You’re about to learn that when it comes to water fight showdowns around here, birthday or no birthday, there will be no quarter given.

You’d better run for your life is all I can say.

Being a big brother is hard. But what’s even harder is being a big brother after having been the baby of the family. You get used to being babied by everyone all your life, then suddenly, you have to give up all those wonderful baby privileges to a smaller baby who’s clingy and chubby and cute. Urgh. The cute ones are the worst.

Also, everyone starts calling you a big kor kor like that’s some kind of mysterious perk whenever they want you to give in to the other baby. Annoying.

9 months in and Finn has adjusted relatively well to the role of a sandwiched big brother. Well, mostly. It’s been a big change for him, having to relinquish dibs on everything ranging from toys to attention to mommy-time.

I try to baby this second littlest child of mine whenever I can but I think he still feels it sometimes, especially when Theo gets all needy and clingy like he’s been so often lately.

This happened some nights ago.

Finn: Momma, is it you don’t want me?

Me: What?? Why would you say that, baby? Of course momma wants you.

Finn: You don’t want Finn Finn, you want baby Theo?

Me: No way. Hey, momma will always, always want you. I know sometimes I have to feed baby Theo first and you have to be patient. You’ve been a really rad big brother. And mommy will always want you, you know that right?

Finn: Which one do you like, momma? Baby Theo or Finn Finn? Which one do you like?

Me: Both. I like you both. See, this is my heart, and this heart loved kor kor and jie jie. When Finn was born, my heart got bigger so I could love you too. And when baby Theo was born, momma’s heart got really big like this. So that there’s always room for all of you. Promise.

Finn: Ok momma.

Me: Hey Finn, do you like baby Theo? I know it’s really hard being a big brother, but baby Theo is your baby too. Do you like him?

Finn: Yes momma. I like baby Theo, he’s super cute like a pumpkin.

Me: You’re so cute like a pumpkin.

Finn: No, you’re so cute like a pumpkin, momma.

Sigh, I do wish I could make it easier for this impossibly sweet, big-hearted little boy. 

I brought all 4 kids to the playground yesterday and Finn yelled from his spot at the top of the slide. “Mommmmmm, I need to carry baby Theo. Quick! Bring him here!!”

I think they’re going to be ok. I hope so.

I wasn’t sure how Finn was going to adjust to being a big brother seeing how he’s been the baby of the family for the past 2 years but he’s been doing a fine job of it.

Well okay, he thinks babies are terribly boring but that’s to be expected of a 2-year-old because I do too and I’m 32. When baby Theo first came home, Finn regarded him with mild disinterest. He went to observe this strange new specimen we were all fussing over and after looking the baby over for a minute or so, he got bored and ran off to play.

Since then, he’s been paying more attention to the baby – doling out surprise kisses, singing loudly in his ear while he sleeps and shoving random toys in his face. It’s sweet.

The downside of being bumped up to big brother status is that he loses dibs on momma time. It’s the rule of the universe – the baby gets dibs because they know nothing about delayed gratification. “What? WAIT for my milk?? You must be joking.” Meanwhile, the bigger kids have to wait their turn. “Momma play puzzle?” Finn would ask while I was feeding the baby. “Sorry sweetie, give me 15 minutes. I’ll be with you once baby sleeps ok?” //Cue sad baby eyes.

Some nights ago, he was in a tantrumy mood, refusing to go to bed. “PLAY TOYS! Finn Finn play toys with momma,” he said over and over again. I gave him his milk, sang to him and told him 3 stories but he was intent on staying awake even though his little body was exhausted. “Momma carry?” he insisted. “No baby, I can’t carry you to sleep, you’re seriously too heavy now.” “MOMMA CARRY PLEEEEEASE?” he shrieked. A few no’s later, he shouted “NO MOMMA…I WANT AUNTY CARRY!!” I didn’t know how to answer that and in the silence that followed, all I could hear was the breaking of my heart. “It’s ok, I’m here, son. Momma is here for you.” 20 minutes of this back and forth later, he finally climbed onto my chest and lay there holding me till he fell asleep.

He’s never fallen asleep like this before and I realised it’s exactly how I hold Theo to sleep – head pressed against my chest.

Sigh, so this whole episode was my little boy missing me and this was the only way he knows how to show it. Maybe he thinks staying awake means he gets more time to spend with me. Or I don’t know, maybe he thinks being a baby like Theo means he gets back his dibs on momma. Or saddest of all, maybe he thinks should get used to the idea and go with a replacement. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I know it’s a lot to ask of a 2-year-old boy, having to share his mommy with a needy baby who gets to be carried all the time. And he’s so sweet to love Theo as much as he does.

It’s probably the hardest part about having so many kids, finding the time to love on each kid when they need it, especially when they all seem to need it at the same time. I tell myself they get other perks like having siblings to go crazy with but sometimes, it’s just not the same. These parenting choices are so hard to make. Have I been focusing too much on the baby? Which kid gets my attention at any given time? Will it ever be fair to all of them? If only I could clone another me, I’d do it. I hope it’s just a phase and things will even out once the baby becomes less needy.

I thought I’d get a head start on toilet training Finn, and they say the best way to learn is to watch someone else do it right, so I got Truett to perform a little demonstration.

Me: Hey Finn, who wants to learn to go pee like a big boy?

Finn: (points at his chest) Me, me, me!

Me: Kor kor will do a demo for you, just watch and learn. Ok, Tru, can you show your brother how this is done?

*Truett delivers a smashing demo of how to pee into the toilet bowl*

Finn: (giggles his head off) HAHAHAHAHHAHA PEE…PEE HAHAHA PEE…PEE HAHAHHA PEE…PENIS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (grabs his face and continues laughing)

Me: Okay, this is not working out very well, let’s table this for another time, great job everyone!

***

So this little boy of mine hates haircuts with a vengeance. Remember how I was trying to grow out his gorgeous floppy hair when he was a baby? It might have something to do with the fact that no razor touched his head the entire first year of his life and this kid does not realise that haircutting is a very important part of civilised human existence.

Every haircut is a massive 3-man operation. The husband hugs him with a death grip and I have to hold his head in place while the hairdresser lady does her thing; and lo, there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth. His eyes filled with big, sad tears, he’ll give me a look that says “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME MOMMA??? PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP!!!”

I tried to pep talk him before his recent haircut.

Me: It’s time for a haircut, baby. Don’t worry, you’ll be ok, it doesn’t hurt.

Finn:(frowny face) NO NO HAIR CUT. NO!

Me: But Finn is a brave boy. You can do it!

Finn: (points to my chest) Momma brave boy.

Me: Well, yeah, momma’s quite brave but I need you to be brave too ok?

Finn: (tears starting to form in his eyes) Momma brave boy. Finn Finn handsome boy. No no hair cut.

Me: I’m sorry, son. We need to do this. Daddy will have to hold you and you’ll be just fine. You just try your best?

Finn: (flops his head down on my shoulder, lots of tears streaming down his cheeks by now) Okay momma, okay. (sob, sob, sob)

***

On sharing apples…

Finn: (holds out his half eaten apple) Momma wants apple?

Me: Wow, sure!

Finn: One for Finn Finn, one for momma.

Me: (taking the last bite of apple) Thanks sweetheart!

Finn: Where Finn Finn’s apple?

Me: You just gave it to me so I ate it.

Finn: No more apple? Momma get ice-cream.

Me: WHAT?!! A tiny bite of apple in exchange for ice-cream? GAHH Total rookie mistake! I should have seen this coming but well played.

***

He’s got the sweetest, most heartfelt apology I’ve ever heard, which is probably why he gets so few time-outs. He flashes me those bambi eyes, does the sorry sign with his little fist and says “Sorry, momma, I’m sorry.”

Look at those eyes!!?? Okay, all is forgiven.