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coolest kids ever

Arsenal signs promising new starlet

July 20, 2010

With the World Cup finally over, the spotlight is now on the big money transfers as clubs make their move for superstars to bolster their chance at silverware next season. I hear Liverpool fans are celebrating the capture of Joe Cole (aka tightpants) and Barcelona, they’ve added David Villa and Adriano to their scary list of big names.

On the home front, a little birdie tells me that Ferguson has his sights set on German captain Philip Lahm (nice!) to fill that problematic right back position. I am also still keeping my fingers crossed for Buffon, Ozil and Torres (just imagine a Rooney-Torres combo up front, oh sweet dreams are made of these)

Meanwhile, Arsenal, with Wenger’s ridiculous youth policy, are planning to lower their squad’s average age to 5. As a Mother, Inc exclusive, I’m pleased to announce their latest star signing, Truett Kao, who will be filling the boots of Barcelona-bound captain, Cesc Fabregas.

Thanks to my *contacts*, I’ve managed to score an interview with the hottest young thing in the footballing world.

***

Mother, Inc: I think the biggest question on everyone’s minds right now is why Arsenal, when there are so many teams to choose from?

Truett: Jersey soft soft. Truett like red color.

Mother, Inc: I think you’re forgetting that Manchester United is a nicer shade of red, but I guess you can’t argue with the soft bit. So what do you think of the Fabregas debacle? You think he’s going to stay or go?

Truett: GO KAI KAI!! Let’s go feed the fish!

Mother, Inc: That’s a nice strong throw you got there. Is that part of your daily training regime? Any fancy footwork to share with your fans?

Truett: Truett kick the ball… GOALLLL COMEON!!!

Mother, Inc: Oh, that simple aye? So what else do you like to do when you’re not kicking a ball around or busy feeding fish?

Truett: Sit train! Mommy can go sit train please, please?

Mother, Inc: Why yes, yes we can. But just 2 rounds and you go back to doing laps. And we also have to work on your choice of teams, I think we can start with getting you the latest Manchester United jersey, its quite soft as well.

by Daphne

coolest kids ever, kids inc, unqualified parenting tips

Of coke and jedi classes

June 21, 2010

Have I told you about the time I brought Kirsten to the pool and halfway through she saw my can of coke sitting on the table and insisted that she NEEDED to drink it? Being a responsible parent and all, I said no obviously, because it’s filled with sugar and bad stuff for kids.

But then I once used coke to remove rust so maybe it means that it will remove bad stuff from your system so we should all have more coke. I’m not sure which. I’m going with the second one.

Anyway, so she put on her jedi robe and used the force to take it when I was not looking, which is kind of like taking it by force if you think about it. And I figured, the last guy to mess with young jedi powers got all his limbs sliced off and had to wear a life support system and breathe like someone who chain-smoked for 40 years.

If you must know, the story ends with me chickening out and giving her the coke. Only thing is, she hasn’t reached the advanced jedi level of learning how to open the can with the force so she spent the next 15 minutes prying it open with all of her 4 teeth and pudgy fingers while I sat beside her and gloated.

You know what this means though. I’m not sending her for jedi classes anymore.

Happy Monday, y’all.

by Daphne

coolest kids ever, kids in motion

Terminator 5: Genesis

May 7, 2010

In the beginning, way before the T-1000 was developed, there was the T-100, a more primitive model. He was a lot smaller, and less advanced. Which explains why he spent all his time looking for food in the water.

But when the world is in danger, he picks up his trusty Winchester 1887 and fights for humanity’s survival.

He knows no fear. Or any other emotions for that matter. That’s why he needs to wear his shades at all times, so people can’t see him cry.

He often looks like he’s on a very important and deadly mission, but he’s actually looking for more food in the water. Some call it an obsession.

He’s always there in the shadows, waiting for the next time humans need him again. Basically, he just sits there when he’s not off looking for more food.

That’s probably why Arnold had to step up as the next cyborg. This one wasn’t very good.

by Daphne

coolest kids ever

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night

April 23, 2010

Every mother has a secret formula for getting their baby to sleep. It’s developed through trial and error but derived very quickly because a screamy, non-sleepy baby is very good motivation for anyone to get a move on. And once you discover it, nobody messes with the formula.

Some hold the baby at a precise 74-degree angle and bounce to a specific rhythm. Take two steps forward, one to the left, one diagonal and one to the back. Or hold the baby against the chest. Sing that Andrea Bocelli/Elmo duet really slowly. Whisper a poem. Put the baby seat on the dryer. Go for a car ride. It’s all finely-tuned and customized so that it’s just right. When the stars align, you see their eyes roll back into their heads and a triumphant smile slowly makes its way across your lips.

Like I said, nobody messes with the formula. Because all you need is one missed step or a decibel too loud and it all comes crashing down.

With Tru, I had to sing the Wheels of the Bus song on repeat, each time slower than the last. He used to sleep on his tummy so I would pat his bottom along to the beat and count the pats in my head because it was that mind-numbingly boring. One time, I reached 6,214. True story. That’s a number I’ll never forget.

Kirsten was so much easier. Kiss her goodnight, put her down, place the duck in her hands and walk out. It was an awesome formula. It was working great and one day, it just stopped working. The moment I put her down, she would pull herself up against the cot railing and cry. Carrying her didn’t help. Singing didn’t help and even rocking didn’t help. I tried all sorts of crazy stuff to make her sleep and they all weren’t very effective.

Until I had my eureka moment. Wait for it because it is so incredibly bizarre that it’s almost too good.

First, I put on I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas. Then I lower her down into the cot, place the duck in her arms, then lean over and hug her, kiss her cheek and breathe into her ear. 5 minutes of this stranglehold to flash mob music and she’s out cold. What did I do to deserve a kid this cool?

by Daphne

coolest kids ever, lists you should paste on your fridge

Best thing about being a mom…

April 1, 2009

1. Morning Madness

I’m not a morning person. Most days, I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck and I’m reeling from the aftershock. My son feels differently about mornings. It’s always like the Fourth of July and he’s a one-man marching band. He’ll raise a ruckus until one of us wakes from our stupor and he’ll flash the biggest grin of his life.

2. Snuggles Unlimited

Fess up, how often have you seen a really cute baby and have the urge to smother the poor kid with cuddles and kisses? (I also sometimes have the urge to sink my teeth into those juicy, succulent thighs) Once, my overly enthusiastic displays of affection got noticed by the mother and there was this embarrassing, awkward moment I’d prefer not have again. Now, I’ve got my own kid to squeeze and snuggle all I want.

*evil laughter*

3. Dress-up Barbie

I was never really a doll person. It’s the eyes that really give me the heebie jeebies, especially those that can open and close on its own accord. The only fun part about playing with dolls is the dressing-up. You get to customize different outfits for different occasions and there’s something incredibly irresistible about tiny clothes. They’re just so small and cute. Some days, I dress Tru up in the most outrageous costumes and voila! I’ve got Fashion Week in my living room.

Just wait till Kirsten is born.

4. Baby Giggles

Adult giggles can get a tad creepy at times, but baby giggles are always infectious. (especially the sleepy ones) There’s nothing like manufacturing a giggling fit when life gets too trying.

5. My very own Mini-Me

Mini-Me

by Daphne

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