Monthly Archives

July 2009

love bites

The sexiest man alive

July 22, 2009

The husband is the sexiest man alive because he came home with bubble tea yesterday. I know I’m supposed to be confined and drinking cold stuff is an absolute no-no. And cold stuff with caffeine, that’s like the cardinal sin for a confined mother.

So when the husband stepped in the house bearing the bubble tea, it was like I was back in school again, and he was this badass with the wind in his hair, wearing his trademark aviator shades and leather jacket.

*cue music from Top Gun*

The very reason why I fell in love with him seven years ago.

sexiest-man

Well, actually, it was mostly because he MADE me a precious moments card with glitter glue and tiny hearts this one time when I flunked an exam. I know. Precious moments is for pretty girls with braids dancing around the campfire. But somehow, a grown man who loves precious moments, it’s unbelievably hot.

Given my recent bout of the blues, the person who’s gotten it worst is the husband. He’s been at the receiving end of my rants, outbursts and tantrums and so far, he hasn’t even flinched. One moment I’d be on a war path and then I’d just break down crying the next. Honestly, I wouldn’t even have put up with myself.

The only thing keeping me sane these days is knowing that I’ll get to see him at 7pm everyday, and knowing that I’ve made it through another day. I didn’t think I was the clingy type, but what can I say, motherhood brings out the worst in us. I’ve become all needy and having him around is what keeps me going.

And bubble tea, of course.

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kids inc

Sleep is for the weak

July 21, 2009

Sleep is for the weak

I forgot how fun it is to take care of a newborn. I’ve gotten so used to Tru that I’ve taken it for granted that he sleeps peacefully through the night in his own room, feeds without fussing and does all kinds of cute stuff to cheer me up.

Is it bad that every moment of every day, I wish Kirsten will grow up sooner? It’s just been a week into her birth and I’m exhibiting all the signs of a sleep-deprived wreck.

My days and nights have been broken into 2.5 hour cycles of struggling to breastfeed (45 mins), bottle-feeding (30 mins), expressing milk (30 mins) and 45 mins to do whatever else need to be done at home. And there’s the insomnia. I’d try to lie down to catch forty winks intermittently through the day, but it usually takes me a good 30 mins to fall asleep. Then before I know it, Kirsten is screaming again.

When I’m awake, I hardly have the time or energy to spend quality moments with Tru and I feel awful about that too. He’s been a real trooper, entertaining himself and being real cooperative. Sometimes he would take a toy to me, indicating that he wants to play while I’m feeding Kirsten, and I’d be all frazzled like “Later, Tru, Mommy’s busy right now”. And right after, I would feel so bad that I’ll spend the next 15 mins bawling my eyes out. Even though he’s right there, I really miss my boy. I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m neglecting him.

Just last night, I slept a total of 90 mins because Kirsten was having a blast pooping on me and fussing and refusing to latch on again. Every feed its like a game of roulette, I have no idea if she’s going to latch on or suckle for 30 seconds before screaming or just start wailing the moment she touches my breast.

Now that the milk is in, I have no idea what else to do to make her feed direct from the breast. I’ll probably give myself till next Mon to keep trying. Its just too insane having to take so any extra steps expressing and formula-feeding and having to force her to latch on.

The depression is also causing me to lose all appetite, which is probably a good thing in the weigh-loss department. But I’ve gotta eat if I want to breastfeed, so I’m forcing down food even though I feel like throwing up half the time.

I need to sleep, but the end is nowhere in sight. I’m starting to hallucinate and become incoherent. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy to have 2 kids back to back. It seemed like such a good idea back then, and I was so sure I’d be able to handle it. But I’m up to my eyeballs as it is, and sooner or later, something’s gotta give. I just hope its not my sanity.

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motherhood

Got Milk!

July 20, 2009

milk

In a series of unrelated events over the past few days, my breastfeeding attempts have taken a whole new turn.

1. THERE IS MILK!

With Kirsten in the hospital for phototherapy treatment for 3 days, I’ve been faithfully drinking the nasty papaya fish soup which smells like a shoal of rotten fish that’s left to decay for a month. At first, everyone thought it was an exaggeration, until I offered $5 to the husband to try it. Suffice to say, the puke-inducing look totally made my day.

I’ve slso been expressing milk every 3 hours (even at night, which is a huge sacrifice). Yesterday, the milk finally decided to come in and even though I’ve only got 5 ml after 30 mins, it was enough reason for me to do a victory dance.

2. Kirsten has become a milk drinking machine.

I don’t know what it is about my kids and food, but they can sure eat a lot. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Tru is insatiable, but I wasn’t prepared that my baby girl would be one cute little  eating machine that would beat him hands down.

During the 3 days she was in the hospital, she’s been consuming 100 ml every 3 hours. When Tru was her age, he could barely finish 40 ml. Scary, I know.

3. The first successful latch on

After many tries and a lot of crying, I finally managed to get Kirsten to latch on. I lasted about 15 minutes per side before she got really agitated. Couldn’t really blame her since I’m producing less than 10% of her feeding requirements.

So right now the plan is to feed her directly from the breast for as long as I can and then supplement with formula. At this point, she still needs another 80 ml of formula to fill her little tummy. Hopefully at some point, I’ll be able to completely eliminate the bottle.

One step at a time.

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motherhood

One day at at time

July 17, 2009

I feel like I’m in a dream, or a stupor. I’m watching myself  morphing into this person I can’t even recognize and I’m on the outside looking in, not able to do anything about it. I’ve totally lost my sense of humor, everything sucks big time and I’m reduced to a crying machine. Six months later, this might actually be funny on retrospect but right now, it’s just plain sickening.

The crying bouts are back with a vengeance and the husband’s catch phrase these days is “want to cry cry”? Which sounds retarded, but it will somehow trigger off the tears and I’ll start bawling away.

Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m crying about, but I must say it’s kinda cathartic. It’s a vicious cycle; I become totally irrational and start worrying that I’m a terrible mother and my kids are going to grow up dysfunctional and I’ll become a psychotic monster of a mother who will end up frazzled and crazy. Then I get pissed off with everything and after that I’ll get all guilty and hate myself.

But right after, I usually feel a lot better. For like a couple of hours until the next cry.

Just yesterday, I was spending time with Tru and suddenly it hits me, so I start crying uncontrollably. I think he knew that I’m crying, so he peered intently at me for like a full minute, then he climbed onto my lap and nuzzled his head on my chest. I’ve been feeling awful about not being able to spend time with him the past 4 days while I was in the hospital and all I could do was hold him and cry for a good 10 minutes.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to last the next 3 months. What with the exhaustion and stress and pain and breastfeeding problems and depression, it’s all I can do to get through one day at a time. It’s so bad that I’m actually considering some anti-depressants or medication to help with the hormones.

Every morning I wake up telling myself I just need to survive the day and everything will be fine. Just one more day.

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motherhood

Interview with the Vampire

July 16, 2009

16 July, 1630 hrs. Interviewed by Superdad who now looks like a terrorist with both his surgical mask and badass shades on. I feel compelled to give answers in the face of imminent death (by H1N1).

Q:  Its been 3 days since the arrival of Kirsten. Summarize your experience in a single word thus far.

A: Drained.

Q: Uh…alright let’s rephrase the question. Summarize your experience thus far, no word limit.

A: Tiring.

Q: Ahem, moving on. How was the whole labour process? 27 hours, no mean feat there.

A: Its not that fun. I was glad to get the baby out.

Q: Did you feel like it was a spiritual moment or something like that?

A: Not at all. It hurt a lot though. I am mostly just glad the baby is out.

Q: You’re known among close friends to want lots of kids. Has this experience changed any of that?

A: I may adopt.  From Africa or Vietnam. Maybe Vietnam. Yeah, Vietnam would be it.

Q: Why Vietnam?

A: It may be weird for me to have a black child.

Q: Baby Kirsten has jaundice and is back at the hospital. How do you feel about that?

A: I kinda miss her, but I’m glad I’m getting some time to rest. Which is terrible actually. Cos I’m not supposed to be happy that she’s not here. Of course, I’ll be happy if she was here too. I do miss her a lot. I’m not coherent, am I.

Q: You’re expressing milk through a breast pump as we conduct this interview- How’re those boobs coming along?

A: Not so good. I need to multitask. There’s nary a drop of milk. Zilch. None. I had to drink soup which smells of dead fish to get those milk ducts flowing, but there’s nary a drop. Zilch.

Q: How is Truett taking to Kirsten so far?

A: I think he is adjusting. He seems to be quite intrigued, but not particularly fond of her yet. I think he tried to headbutt her the other day. He probably needs a while. My stitches kinda hurt.

Q: Oh, yeah, those stitches..what’s the word..episiotomy? Any problems peeing?

A: Nope, but its hurts when I take a dump. I think I can keep it in for a week though, hopefully by which time it would be healed.

Q: Uh..okay. How are the baby blues? Cried a lot?

A: Well, I didn’t cry as much as the last time. Its hard to explain. A lot of it is irrational but..its very physical. I can feel the depression coming on pretty strong and it happens when i’m (attempting) to breastfeed or expressing milk. Or anytime of the day actually. Its a terrible feeling.

Q: What could possibly make you feel better right now?

A: Sleep. Emotional support. Bubble tea.

Q: Any inspirational last words for to-be-mothers out there?

A: Sleep now while you can. The end is nigh.

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motherhood

And so it begins

July 15, 2009
Motherhood seems deceptively easy

Motherhood seems deceptively easy

Postpartum is a real pain. I’ve been waiting to give birth for months and now that its over, I’m totally floored by it.

It’s been an insane couple of days. I’m still recovering from the trauma of childbirth and struggling with the breastfeeding (my boobs are still broken – 3 days and absolutely no milk) and I’m exhausted beyond description. Plus I can feel an all-too-familiar sensation of the baby blues creeping up on me. It’s deja vu all over again.

The weird thing is, I was actually expecting it in my head. I spent many sleepless nights preparing myself for it, but it’s different actually experiencing it. When it hits, I still feel overwhelmed.

And what are the odds that on the day I get discharged from the hospital, Superdad comes down with a 39.6 degree fever. With the dreaded H1N1 virus going around, he’s now quarantined at home like a leper, so me and the 2 kids are now banished from home. Good thing we’ve got a back up plan, and we’re taking refuge at my mom’s place for a few days until its safe to go back. Unless of course it is a case of H1N1, then we’ll have to send in the professionals to do a clean sweep of the house.

Right now, I’m just waiting for the madness to settle. I hope I’ll find my groove soon.

This is the point I tell myself “2 IS ENOUGH!“

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pregnancy

24 Season 2: A very long engagement

July 14, 2009

After a 27 hour ordeal, it’s all finally over. And via natural birth too! I’ll describe the experience at length later, but here’s how it went.

12 July 2009, Sunday

10.00 – Admitted to the hospital for Induction, hooked up to the CTG machine to monitor the contractions and baby’s heartbeat.

12.00 – Prostin Inserted. Not fun at all.

14.00 – Irregular contractions. Brought up to the ward to rest. I was all like “if this is how contractions feel like, I don’t think I even need epidural. No sweat at all.” And then I spent the afternoon watching movies on my laptop.

18.00 – Hooked up to the CTG again. Contractions 7-8 minutes apart, but still irregular.

22.00 – Supposed to go for second round of Prosstin to increase contractions, but managed to escape since contractions are up to once in 3 minutes. Wheeled in to delivery suite.

22.30 – Abused by psycho nurse who came in to check my cervix (only 1 cm). I was absolutely livid with rage.

23.00 – Had to eat my words – in loads of pain. Injected with Pethidine (in my thigh) for pain relief.

13 July 2009, Monday

01.00 – Epidural inserted. HURTS LIKE HELL. Epidural sucks.

03.00 – Oxytocin injected to induce contractions again. Contractions still fluctuating between once every 5-8 minutes. By this time, I was kinda drifting in and out of sleep. Cervix still at 1 cm.

09.00 – Gynae dropped by for a consult. Cervix at 3 cm. He says it’s gonna be a long labor, as if it’s not been long enough. If there’s no sign of progress in 8 hours, I’ll have to go for another c-section.

12.00 – Somehow the epidural only got channeled to the right side, and my entire left side was in excruciating pain. Contractions coming hard and fast and I was all worked up screaming for pain relief. I seriously thought I was about to die. Literally.

12.15 – Hot, young anesthetist came with more epidural. Pity I didn’t notice because I was having a near-death experience. The husband says he’s hot, and that I wasn’t dying. But he obviously doesn’t know anything cos he wasn’t pushing a baby out of his bits.

12.30 – Cervix at 9 cm. All I could think about was that something feels like it’s dropping out and I need to take a massive crap.

13.30 – After a lot of pushing and shoving (and an episiotomy), Kirsten finally came out with a plop.

It was totally surreal. And kinda awesome.

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